Of Stormclouds and Silver Linings
by Kierastarlight
Summary: Takes place right after episode 4.22. Slash. Basically what happens next - an eventual Dean/Castiel slash story. Dean needs to save the world.
1. Chapter 1

Nothing sounded better to Dean at the moment than opening up a cold one with his brother and kicking back in a nameless motel that he'd forget all about two weeks later. But Lilith had been killed, thus the final seal had been broken, and Dean was several steps closer to his epic battle with Lucifer. _Great. And Zachariah won't tell me jack shit about how I'm supposed to conquer the Lord and Ruler of Hell himself._ Since just winging it didn't sound like an effective way to bump off the king of evil, Dean and Sam booked it out of St. Mary's before Lucifer could squash Dean and start making plans to rule the world. Guess Lucifer was going to have to wait a little while and Dean was going to have to wait for that refreshing beer. He wanted to be one step ahead of Lucifer at all times, which means he needed some guidance.

Not that he had any idea what he was doing or what there _was_ to do in a situation like this. Which was why he really needed that guidance. Zachariah only gave a rat's ass about prophecy. His precious little Bible story that mommies and daddies would read to the kiddies two thousand years later. Probably Sam drinking demon blood and Dean nearly losing his brother to said demon blood was just a good dose of angst that made the future of humanity more likely to be good little Bible studiers. What was next? Dean didn't want to find out.

Which was why Dean was impressed when Chuck had said that he and Castiel showing up all the sudden wasn't in the story. So it _wasn't_ meant to happen that Castiel would disobey and follow Dean. On the plus side, maybe there was still hope for humanity. On the other hand, Lucifer still needed to be dealt with. Prophecy or no prophecy, Lucifer was one badass that needed to be stopped, and Dean hoped that in the process he, Sam and Castiel strayed so much from prophecy that they didn't end up Stepford drones in the end.

Castiel. Dean was worried about the angel. Last time he saw him, Cas had an angry archangel to deal with. And since Cas had disobeyed, he would be hunted, and killed – well that is what Castiel had said. Now that Castiel had sided with Dean, Dean and Sam were his only ally, and Dean needed to look out for him. Went the other way too, Dean had disobeyed himself and the only heavenly force he could count on now to help him was Castiel. He needed to get to the angel quick.

"We need to get to Chuck's right away and find out what happened to Cas," Dean said, and hoped they wouldn't be too late. Moments later, Dean heard a familiar voice saying his name from the backseat of the car. Before that, he heard that familiar whoosh of wind that made Dean think Castiel's trench coat was doubling as a cape.

"Cas?" Dean said, glancing up at his rearview mirror to take a look at the angel. "Are you alright?" He didn't see any cuts or scratches on him, but that didn't mean a whole lot since Castiel was capable of healing himself.

"I'm okay for now, Dean, and we need to hide out at the most expensive hotel in town," Castiel said. "Hurry."

"The most expensive hotel in town?" Dean repeated. "Just so you know, I haven't had a whole lot of time to hustle pool lately."

"I can take care of the bill," Castiel said. "Just go there." Castiel named the hotel and gave directions on the way.

"Just out of curiosity," Dean said, "How can an angel run from other angels? Don't they have an omnipresent tracking device up there in heaven?"

Castiel was silent for a few moments. Then he said, "Very carefully."

Their digs for the night was certainly the Ritz. Dean with his worn out leather jacket and scuffed up shoes felt out of place walking on the plush carpet of the lobby which happened to have fountains with statues and pillars and fireplaces – and this lobby itself was much larger than any of the motel rooms Dean and Sam had ever stayed in. Dean watched Castiel hand the night clerk a huge wad of cash to pay for the evening. When she asked for ID, Dean showed one of his Kinko's specialties.

Their room smelled strangely like brand-new carpet and fresh air at the same time. Castiel had asked for a two-bed room, and it was a fancy one – two four poster beds with canopies and an elevated area that was like a small living room with a couch, some chairs, a fireplace. Dean took one look at the arrangement and wondered who would sleep where. He wasn't used to a third party along for the trip. Whenever Bobby joined them, someone was stuck with a stiff chair. At least this time there was a couch.

"You and Sam can use the beds," Castiel said. "I do not need to sleep. Besides, someone needs to be on guard." He then proceeded to stand as stiffly as a statue, although he kept turning his head to keep his eyes on the entire perimeter of the room.

"Um, wait a minute, Cas," Dean said. "We just saw Lucifer start to bust out of the pit. I was hoping you could tell me you have a plan or some kind of guidance as to what we can do next? It might help me sleep a little better."

Castiel caught Dean's gaze and held it. Dean had to blink and shake his head a little because Castiel's eyes could be hypnotizing. "Dean, do you remember what I said at Chuck's house? We are making this up as we go along."

"Yeah, but you are an angel and surely you know something about how Lucifer can be stopped," Dean said.

Castiel looked down. "I'm working on it. It will be a little more difficult to research while I am on the run. But anything helpful I acquire, you will hear about it Dean. I promise. Now get some sleep, the both of you. You need to be well rested for tomorrow."

Dean and Sam slipped into the beds and Castiel stood on the elevated floor, - in the dark he was just a silhouette against the moonlight coming in through the window.

"Cas, what are you, a horse? You can sit on the couch if you want," Dean called out. The beds were rather far from where Castiel was standing, the room was so huge.

"No, I will stay standing. I need to be as alert as possible. And I am like a horse. I do not need to rest my legs."

"Suit yourself," Dean mumbled, and tried to get some sleep. He wondered how many other times Castiel had actually watched over him while he slept. He realized the idea didn't bother him. He thought of his mother telling him that angels would always be watching over him and felt a tiny contentment that she had been right.

It took awhile, but Dean knew he slept some because he had a dream. Castiel was in it, but he was _different_ – in fact he wasn't sure if it was Castiel he had dreamt of or Jimmy, the passed-on soul of the vessel Castiel continued to use. But it _felt_ like Cas –yet he didn't act like Cas at all, he was laughing, getting a twinkle in his eye, was acting – human. And he was wearing real people clothes, something like a white t-shirt with a blue striped shirt unbuttoned over it. And jeans. Not that beige trench coat that was glued to Castiel at all times. If Castiel was an action figure, that outfit would be painted on. No extra dress up sets would be necessary for the kiddies.

Dean woke up as dawn was breaking and thought about his dream a moment before letting Castiel know he was awake. He realized he wasn't sure what exactly Castiel was like inside – he couldn't just assume that Castiel acted and felt like a human because he wasn't human. What was an angel like inside? Dean found himself thinking of temperatures for some reason. Was an angel cold inside? Or warm? Not like Antartica and Tahiti cold and warm, but like the heartless kind or having a heart kind.

Anna had said angels were cold. But despite Castiel's hesitations and robotic tendencies to follow orders, Castiel _did_ seem to have a human side. Dean had noticed that more than once Castiel couldn't handle Dean being mad at him. Cas _cared._ Cas had even gotten like a pissy bitch that time in Illinois – something a cold angel wouldn't have done. Sure, it was _cold hearted_, but it showed the angel was capable of emotion.

Dean even felt a little sorry now for calling Cas a spineless, soulless, son-of-a-bitch, now that Cas had taken Dean's side and shown he gave a rat's ass for humanity unlike that dick, Zachariah. But Dean didn't feel bad enough to give Castiel a sappy apology about it. Besides, it had done the trick and sometimes a person – or an angel – needed a strong dose of medicine to get things going in the right direction. He just felt he needed to watch the angel's back for him now, just like Cas was watching out for him.

Dean pulled the covers off his face and noticed the angel stood as diligently in the faint morning light as he had in the moonlight hours ago. His gaze was locked onto Dean – and Dean got this feeling it had been there almost the entire night.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean walked over to the window that was in the elevated section of the room that Castiel stood on. "Good morning, Cas," Dean said on the way over to the window. Castiel nodded and said, "I'm not sure how good of a morning it is."

"It's a figure of speech," Dean said. Dean looked out the window past the fluffy soft curtains. It was a picture of gray with black shadows– storm clouds covered the horizon for miles and lightning was flashing in the distance.

Dean looked back at Castiel. "Lucifer sure is all about the atmosphere, isn't he?"

Castiel broke his stance and walked over to the window with Dean. "This is the apocalypse, just so you know, Dean," he said.

Dean found himself smiling. "Was that a joke I just heard come out of you, Cas?" Dean gave him a light jab on the shoulder. "You'll be fitting in here in no time."

Castiel didn't smile but looked at his just-jabbed shoulder quizzically. "Dean. We need to go soon. But there is the matter of your brother first."

They both looked at Sam. "Yeah. Sam. He's going to go through withdrawls again, isn't he? We don't have time to lock him up or strap him down…"

"I think I can heal him," Castiel said.

"You can?" Dean looked back at Castiel. "Wait a minute Cas, if you could have healed him before – and he didn't have to suffer in that room, why didn't you say or do anything before?" Dean paused, thinking. "Hey, are _you _the one who let Sam out of his cell Are you?"

Castiel looked down – Dean was starting to think it was the angel's trademark when he wanted to avoid certain conversations.

"Oh no you don't, Cas!" Dean said, stepping in closer to the angel. "It was you, wasn't it, son of a bitch!" But Castiel looked so guilty and forlorn that Dean felt forgiveness immediately. "That was when you were still following orders, right?" Castiel nodded and met Dean's gaze again, locked it with the intensity only Castiel could hold. "Yes, I was following orders, Dean. I am no longer following those orders. I am committed now to you and your cause."

"Are you sure?" Dean asked.

"I don't really have a choice anymore, Dean."

"Yeah, but do you really _want _to be here? Are you having regrets? I just wanna know if you're going to be jumping ship anytime soon."

Castiel gave Dean a sincere look. "From what I was hearing before this all went down, and from hearing your point of view, I feel this is the wisest course of action. We must change the prophecy." Castiel looked down and said the next sentence with sadness. "I am no longer certain who is in charge anymore, if it's God, Zachariah, or other known or unknown forces. Things have been very unorderly and…it is hard to explain but the whole "atmosphere" of heaven has changed – is quite like this darkened and ominous sky we have outside today, actually."

"How comforting," Dean said. He rolled his eyes. Good grief, even heaven was going to hell? Did they have a chance? Did anyone?

Dean looked back at Sam, who was still sleeping. "Let's take care of him and then we're having a chat in the car. I want to know everything. But for now, I don't want to see him suffer anymore over Ruby's filthy blood, I got enough of that the first time around. More importantly, I am sure Sam did too. If you can heal him Cas," Dean said softly, "Please do."

Castiel walked over to Sam's bedside silently and then a sliver of divine light escaped Castiel's hand as he touched Sam's forehead. "He should be fine now," Castiel said.

Sam woke up and after a quick room service breakfast, they hit the road west towards the mountains. Sam was surprised that he felt so well physically, and they explained to him he was healed and could skip over withdrawls, but Sam's conscious wasn't feeling so well, and Dean and Castiel had no choice but to hear Sam's long, sappy apology over everything that had happened recently. Dean didn't want to admit it, but he was glad for the admission of guilt on Sam's part and that Sam knew that following Ruby was dumb-ass stupid. However, Dean thought, Sam didn't need to live in regret the rest of his life, and the apocalypse was coming, so Dean finally asked Sam to shut up so they could get on to important business.

"First, Castiel," Dean said, looking into the rear-view mirror as he drove, "How on earth did you keep us covered through the night? I wasn't sure I was going to wake up in the morning, honestly."

"Dean." Castiel's voice had that serious tone, that don't-go-there sound to it. "Trust me when I say you are best off not knowing right now. It is your best protection. Just believe that someone is watching out for you, okay?"

"O-kay," Dean said slowly, "But I hate this being in the dark business! First Zachariah, and now you. I was hoping at least with you we'd get some answers!"

"I can tell you details about what has been going down in heaven lately, but not how I am protecting you and myself."

Dean's right hand left the steering wheel for a moment and did a backwards wave. "Okay. Good. Then give us the scoop on heaven, please. I need to know something so I can have a tactic plan. Now is this the stuff you were going to tell me before you got ass-reamed in heaven?"

"I'm not exactly sure what ass-reamed means, Dean," Castiel said, "And I am not sure I want to guess, either."

Sam turned around and looked at Castiel. "Something unpleasant, Cas – well, ur - I guess that depends on your point of view," Sam said with a smirk and the sound of choked laughter. "But coming from Dean, it's just a figure of speech. I think."

"You better shut up Sammy if you know what's good for you," Dean said. "Now cut the crap everybody. This is the apocalypse and I want to know what is happening."

"You started it, Dean, talking about ass-reaming…"

"Well, I'm sorry if I got you all tingly and excited right there over that, but it was really just a figure of speech and you're going to have to take your kinky daydreams out into the future after we get this score settled with Lucifer!"

Dean waited for Castiel to speak, but instead Sam was busting up laughing, and Dean couldn't help but get the giggles himself. "Oh God. Let's just laugh our way out of the apocalypse. Can we have Zachariah insert some dirty jokes into that Bible of his? It might liven things up. Huh, Cas?"

Dean noticed in the rear-view mirror that Castiel actually had a little smile on his face. Despite all the gloom-and-doom of the day, Dean found it was heartwarming to see Castiel getting a sense of humor. Maybe there was some hope for the world.


	3. Chapter 3

Hi everyone, thanks for the reviews and alerts and favoriting. It's nice to know people are reading the story! My internet is down at home so I am at the library. Hope all gets fixed soon and I plan to reply to your nice reviews when I can. BTW there could be mistakes in this chapter I didn't have time to proofread.

--

The laughter dissipated when Dean spoke again. "Can you guys feel that? It's more than it being a very gloomy day, weather-wise. There's this ominous feeling about the day."

"It's Lucifer," Castiel responded. "This is just the beginning of the end, if we don't stop him Dean. If _you _don't stop him. Even though we are changing prophecy, I am telling you now, it is still very important for you to stop him. If you don't – the suffering that is already evident in the world will magnify over a million fold."

"Ugh." Sam said. "It's hard to believe that's even possible. And I feel so bad that I broke the last seal."

"Well don't forget, I broke the first seal," Dean said. "We're quite the family, aren't we? The apocalypse bringing brothers."

"And the apocalypse ending brothers as well," Castiel said. "Let me tell you what I know so far."

Dean was driving on a freeway in the midwestern states, passing through a small city. Other cars near Dean's also had their windshield wipers going for the rain that had started falling, but as Castiel spoke it was if they were driving through a dream. The nearby people in cars didn't seem real. They felt like ghosts. Dean wondered if it was because he was afraid several of these people living their everyday lives wouldn't be living it much longer. Were they even aware of what was going on? Did they feel the same dismal feeling in the atmosphere?

Castiel explained that Dean already knew some of what had been going down in heaven – that killing Lilith was actually the breaking of the final seal, and that Zachariah insisted that Sam be let out so that the final seal could be broken. Heaven wanted Lucifer free so that the battle between Heaven and Lucifer could start and if there was victory for Heaven, peace on earth would prevail.

However, there was a large cost to this plan – much of humanity would suffer greatly and most would die. The remaining people – they would be at peace, but in exchange for that peace they would have to give up their free will. What made them truly human and unique would be gone.

"Wait a minute," Dean interrupted. "When you were giving me that spiel about how I'd be at peace – you already knew I would also be losing my free will and you were still trying to convince me that it was for the best? I don't get it Cas! Do you _want_ me to be a robot?"

"Try to understand," Castiel said, "That humans make rather unfortunate choices with their free will and I personally wasn't sure what was better, the end of suffering through the end of free will, or people to remain as they were. I was telling you the truth when I said I see only suffering here on earth. Total peace instead didn't sound like a bad idea. You have no idea how much people pray and pray for an end to their problems."

"However, Dean," Castiel continued, "You helped convince me that people do need to remain as they are. I thought of you and Sam and your relationship – even though you would be at peace, it wouldn't have the same element of what made your bond so special. Basically, I am thinking you wouldn't be able to discriminate between your relationship with your brother and the man next door. In some ways that would be helpful – you could enjoy a friendship with a man that might have otherwise been a stranger. Yet it would be a rather shallow friendship. Not based on your own personal desire to be friends, but only because you are at peace and have no other choice but to be friendly. I am just learning the ropes of the dynamics of relationships as it is, but am I correct to assume you would rather be able to choose who to be in relationships with – that it would be more meaningful that way?"

"Hell yeah, Cas!" Dean said. "I'm glad you're learning! Like I said, I don't want to be a Stepford Bitch!"

"And to answer your question Dean," Castiel continued, "I don't want you to be a robot. I…like you…the way that you are. I have to admit the thought of Dean no longer being Dean convinced me in the end that I must follow you and not allow the prophecy to happen."

"Are you sure?" Sam asked. "Dean can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes."

Dean glared at Sam. "I'm kidding, Dean! Not about you being a pain in the ass, cause you are one, but anyway, forget it. I'm glad to hear, Cas, that you are learning that people want to be free to be themselves. Even to make stupid mistakes like I did."

"Not only that," Castiel said, "But this so called prophecy – I am not even certain anymore if it is God's will. You heard Zachariah in that room we kept you in, Dean. He said God has left the building. I am thinking that it is Zachariah himself or his superiors that want this end to come. I have never met God face-to-face, but I could always feel a presence in the background or something – kind of like a silver lining behind a cloud. Lately, I have not been able to feel that in heaven and it is _very _disconcerting, Dean. There has been that odd feeling in heaven instead that I told you about. I have been wondering if Zachariah and some others are wanting to take control and basically be like rulers of the new earth. What I am saying is, they might be after power."

"Zachariah, myself, and all other angels have always done nothing but obey orders. If Zachariah and or his superiors were ruling a new earth, they would be able to have their every whim fulfilled. Flocks of women to entertain him, for instance. I remember when he was offering that to you, Dean."

"It sounds nice, but let me guess, the women would pretty much be slaves and no one would care whether or not _they_ wanted to be there," Dean said.

"Correct. Another thing that has me uncertain about all this that is going down is that God himself has _always_ wanted humans to have their free will. Always. It makes no sense to me now why he would no longer want that. I don't think this prophecy is God's actually doing. I don't know. It's hard for me to picture someone taking over for God. I still think that God would want peace for his children – but it would be something they chose for on their own and maintained by choices they had to do no harm to themselves and others. They would still have their free will, they would just choose for peace."

"Anyway, part of my uncertainty on what was best – and I wasn't sure if maybe this was all God's plan – has to do with the number of people who have given up, Dean. So many people are depressed nowadays. They are lonely, they feel life has lost all meaning – at least if they were at peace they would be rid of this burden. It's going to take people reaching out to each other and kindness if the prophecy doesn't pass – to help these people not feel so alone. Like what you do for others, Dean and Sam. You care. You take time out of your day to make a difference for others."

"Yeah, well, it's the right thing to do," Dean said. "Alrighty then, Cas, what about Lucifer? Where is he and how can we stop him?"

"I am not completely certain where he is, but I believe for now he is staying in the same city as St. Mary's Cathedral. He will most likely be in a vessel. We will have to be very careful who we trust. Lucifer will most likely be very charming and deceiving. Along with not knowing which angels from heaven to trust anymore, we are in a very tricky situation."

"Can you get to the part of how we stop him?" Dean said.

"Dean – tonight I am going to try and find out some information. See if I have any allies that see things our way. This will be difficult – I really don't know who to trust anymore. When I get back, I hope to have something to tell you. For now, head to the mountains."

"Bobby is on the way. Can we stop and fill him in? Possibly get him to join us?" Dean asked.

"Bobby can join us if he wishes, but he must meet us where we go. It would be dangerous for us to go somewhere that other angels might suspect we would show up."

"Can we call him?" Sam asked.

"Not yet. I'll let you know when you can."


	4. Chapter 4

The day stretched on, and everyone's mood in the Impala was as grim as the clouds outside. A starless night eventually enveloped them, and Castiel asked Dean to pull over at a sporting shop.

"We're going camping?" Dean said when Castiel instructed him to buy a tent and a few other camping supplies.

"Possibly only for tonight," Castiel said. Castiel walked down the aisles of the store, looking quizzically at the numerous types of equipment. "I hope you know what is needed for camping, because, I do not."

Later on, as they were setting up at a remote campground, Castiel announced his departure. "It is time for me to go." He had already approved of the spot, no one else was camping anywhere near them for miles.

"Cas, how on Earth is camping going to hide us from angels in heaven?" Dean asked.

"I told you Dean, do not ask me. I will not tell you, it is for your protection. Tomorrow night you might be able to stay at a motel again. I am going to go now, and am hoping to be back by tomorrow morning. Continue to head to the mountains if I do not arrive as scheduled. Dean, I need for you to speak to me alone for a minute."

Dean and Castiel walked off a ways until Sam, who was still setting up the tent, was out of earshot.

"What I am doing is incredibly dangerous, Dean. It is possible I will never be back. I was serious when I told you that we would be hunted and killed for what we have done. However, I am hoping that heaven's attachment to _you_ being the one to stop Lucifer buys us a little more time."

"Cas, you _have_ to come back," Dean said. "I can't just bump off Lucifer with a salt gun or a exorcism ritual. I need details. I need help. I mean, me? Fighting Lucifer? You gotta be kidding me. I can handle your average six-pack demon squad or a bunch of bloodthirsty vampires that like to snack on more than Edward Cullen does. But Lucifer? The devil himself? This is too much. I'm just a man, Cas. Maybe some of that ridiculous prophecy can help us."

Dean was quiet, thinking for a moment. "Maybe Chuck can help us."

"Chuck probably knows things that would be very helpful to us, but right now it's out of the question with the archangel by his side. I am going to do my best to come back, Dean, with some answers. For now, I want you to think of a code phrase that would be entirely out of character for me to say. Something just between you and me. If you need me to verify who I am later, ask me for the code phrase."

"And how do we know enemies aren't hearing the code phrase right now?" Dean asked. "And are you saying someone who looks like you but isn't you might come back instead?"

"We need to be open to all possibilities, Dean, as unfortunate as they could be. I will make sure no one else hears or knows of the phrase. Remember too, what I said about Lucifer will most likely be in a vessel. And he will appear likeable, and may try to put you under a spell, so to speak, like the Siren did. I highly recommend that you stay away from certain kinds of female company for the time being, Dean."

"What, are you jealous?" Dean blurted out without thinking. Castiel looked down "Look Cas, I know this isn't the time for rolls in the hay! I'll be really careful who I trust, okay? But when can we call Bobby or stop to see him?"

"I'm going to try and reach Bobby through dreams. I will lead him to you, if I can. Now what is the code phrase you have chosen for me to remember?"

"Um, I don't know. How about 'Eat my shorts?'"

"Eat my shorts. What an odd saying. Very appropriate. I would never say that. Okay, goodbye Dean. If worse comes to worse and you don't see me again, start researching. Try to find out on your own how Lucifer must be stopped. If it is God's will, you will find an answer, even without me."

"Cas?" Dean said.

"Yes?"

"I do hope I will see you again. Even with you being a dick and all to me in the past, I feel like I can count on you now. It's hard to imagine going through this without you, actually."

"It is for that very reason I am going to be as careful as possible. Goodbye, Dean."

"Good luck, Cas."

Dean watched the space where Castiel had stood turn into air. Then he turned around to go help Sam set up camp.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean woke up the next morning and wandered out of the tent, hoping to see Castiel perched outside like a sentry. Instead he saw just the forest and the Impala. He also noted the sky was still in a gray-of-doom mode. Dean scrounged around in their supplies for some food, and set up the propane stove to cook them some breakfast, hoping that Cas would show up in the meanwhile.

After some eggs, bacon and coffee, Castiel still hadn't shown up and Dean was pacing around the small clearing next to their tent. Sam was taking it down.

"What should we do?" Dean asked. "He said if he could he'd be here this morning. He's not here. Can we assume that if he's okay, he'll find us wherever we are? Or will he be blind to it like the other angels are supposedly, since they haven't struck us down with lightning yet?"

"I don't know Dean, but I say we have to keep moving and hope that Castiel finds us. No use worrying about it."

"Yeah, but what if he comes looking for us here and for some reason can't find us someplace else?"

"I think he would have been here by now." Sam finished pulling out the last stake and started rolling up the tent. "We should head to the mountains like he told us to."

Dean stopped pacing and grabbed something out of the car. He went up to Sam. "And how do I know you are you?" He splashed some holy water from a canteen on Sam's face.

Sam shut his eyes and wiped his face. "And how many times a day are you going to do that to check on me?"

"As many as it takes."

"Gimme that. I want to check you, Dean." But Dean went ahead and splashed his face himself.

"This is going to be ridiculous," Dean said. "Never knowing who could be Lucifer day in and day out. Not knowing what he is up to. And why the hell does Cas want us in the mountains, anyway?"

"I don't know, but I say we go to where he suggested since we don't know what else to do."

After finishing with the packing, Dean and Sam got into the Impala and took off for the closest highway. Dean was antsy, and kept looking in his rear-view mirror.

"You're really hoping Cas shows up, aren't you?" Sam said.

"Yeah, well aren't you? What are we going to do if we don't get clued in by him on what to do next? Study Lucifer-stopping spells at the local library?"

"I don't know, but I would say hit up Bobby, except Cas said not to go to him."

"Yeah, that sucks too. I'm dying to just let Bobby know what is going on and we can't even call him."

"Isn't it weird that he hasn't called us?" Sam said.

"Yeah it is, and it's got me worried too."

Dean continued to drive, and before long the muddy road they were on turned to a long asphalt ribbon that stretched for miles. No interesting turns or scenery either. Dean turned on one of his Metallica tapes to distract him for the long drive.

Hours later, Dean pulled over for a pit stop. "I don't know about this," he said to Sam. "I have this bad feeling Cas is in trouble. I wonder if we should head back."

"Head back where?" Sam asked. "The campground? The last city we stayed in?"

"All of it. Besides, if Lucifer is in that town with St. Mary's, we can run into him and get started on finishing him off."

"Without a plan? Besides, Castiel had a reason for wanting us to go to the mountains."

"Yeah, and I say we find Cas and see what that reason was. Let's go."

After getting things done with their pit stop, Dean turned around and drove towards where they had come from. Several hours later, they first confirmed that Castiel wasn't at the remote camping area. Then he stopped at the sporting goods store they had been at. Nada. Dean kept hoping Castiel would appear and chastise Dean for wasting time. Dean was becoming increasingly afraid that something terrible had happened to him.

"Maybe we should spend the night here, Dean," Sam said. "We've been on the road for hours already."

"No. Cas needs us. You drive now, I'm going to take a nap, drive some more later. Tell me if we get to that Hotel Ritz in the middle of the night, or if you get too tired to drive."

It took both Sam and then Dean again driving non-stop before they arrived at the posh hotel they had stayed at. The hotel clerk hadn't seen Castiel (Dean gave him the name Jimmy because Castiel sounded weird) at all.

Dean agreed with Sam to spend the night here again, hoping that since it was a safe place for them before, it was a safe place still. It was early morning though, so rather they were spending the morning there getting some catch-up sleep. Dean broke out one of their numerous credit cards to pay for the bill.

Later in the afternoon, both brothers felt well rested enough to get back out there on their search for Castiel. Dean had this feeling that Castiel was _here_, in this city. The same city that Lucifer showed up in like a well-done Pop-Tart. He'd been baking in that toaster for how many millennia? Dean mused.

Dean drove around for hours, not seeing him anywhere and feeling somewhat hopeless. Yet he was reluctant to give up and go back towards the mountains.

The word "shorts" popped into his mind, remembering the line he had given to Castiel, eat my shorts. It was like a light-bulb in his head, an idea – and it was a long shot, but he had to check it out. Shorts. Where could men buy shorts? It wasn't shorts weather, so probably only at a sporting goods store. Dean pulled over to a pay phone and looked in the phone book, and wrote down the address for every sporting goods store in the city. He checked the closest one, and another, and then there was one left. Dean hoped to God that Castiel would think of this, to hang out where someone could buy shorts. How else would they know where to find him, if he was even alive? He shivered at the thought of how Uriel, an angel for who knows how long, was now dead forever.

Dean pulled into the parking lot of the last store and his heart leapt when he saw a man sitting up against the wall next to the door. He was looking down at the sidewalk, so Dean couldn't see his face, but that beige trench coat and dark brown hair was unmistakable.

"Castiel!" Dean shouted out the window. Sure enough, the man looked up. It was Cas. He sure didn't look well though. Kinda like hell warmed over or something.

Castiel looked up and relief showed immediately on his face. "Oh Dean, oh Sam, you found me, thank goodness!" He stood up, but was rather shaky in doing so.

"Cas! You okay?" Dean said. "What's wrong? What did they do to you?"

"Dean," Castiel said with a heart-wrenching look in his eyes. "I think I need to eat. They left me here with no money. I'm weak. And I wish I had had the sense to memorize your phone number. I can't believe you actually thought to look where a person could buy shorts. It was my last hope. I wandered around for hours, trying to figure out what to do, how to contact you. I expended all my energy. I had no idea a human body could be so weak."

"What?" Dean said. "What did you just say? A human body? Cas – are you human now?"

"Yes." Castiel said. He looked down, and he started to cry.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean stood around at first, uncertain as to what to do. Sam, being the softy that he was, started leaning in towards Castiel right away to console him. Dean suddenly felt territorial. Or at least like the situation were his to take care of, and no one else's.

Sam was about to put his arm around Castiel's shoulder, and Dean said, "Sam, I'll take care of this. I'm the one Cas is close to, so can you go over to the McDonald's next door and get him a burger? Make it a cheeseburger, he'll need the extra protein. Get him at least a couple. And a milkshake. That will help fill him up. Oh, and while you're at it, get those two apple pies for a dollar."

Sam stood around for a moment, giving Castiel a small one-armed hug around his shoulders before taking off. "I'm so sorry, Castiel," he said before he left.

Dean slowly and awkwardly put his arm around Castiel's shoulders when Sam left. Castiel was still crying, softly. "Let's sit in the car. You're too weak to stand, Cas." He helped Castiel into the front seat of the Impala. He then entered the car from the driver's side.

Dean looked over at Castiel. He was used to Castiel staring at him with an unwavering force, but this time Castiel had to keep blinking because he didn't seem to know what to make of the tears.

Dean felt instinctive, parental urges. Castiel was so new to being a human, Dean felt as though he needed to comfort a lost child. He reached out and wiped at a tear that was starting to fall below Castiel's eyelashes. "Cas. Hey Cas," Dean said, "I'm going to do whatever it takes to get you back to normal. If that's possible."

Castiel shook his head. "I don't know if it's possible, Dean. They took my grace, and I don't know if it's even around to get it back."

"We found Anna's, in a tree, or well it had been in a tree…"

"Dean. You need to take care of Lucifer. You can't waste time finding my grace. It could be taken from me again. It's hopeless," Castiel said, and went back to sobbing softly. More tears were running down his face.

Castiel seemed so innocent, so helpless, that Dean reached out and put Castiel's head on Dean's shoulder, and started patting his back. Which made Castiel cry even harder.

"Cas, Cas, I know you are scared, but I will take care of you. I promise," Dean said, and backed up, looking at the former angel's red eyes. "I mean, if I can save the whole world, I might as well add fixing you up to the list." Dean's paternal instincts were going full force now, and making sure Castiel was comforted and okay was precedent to the minor side bar inside him that felt embarrassed that he was holding another man in the front seat of the car, and that man was crying. Let people think this is some kind of a love fest, Dean thought. I don't care. Cas needs me.

Dean held onto Castiel and let him cry. Slowly Castiel simmered down and just kept his head there on Dean's shoulder for awhile, deep breathing. Dean didn't pull away until Castiel did first. "I'm sorry for crying like that, Dean, I don't know what overcame me." He took both of his hands and wiped off his face, one hand on each eye. "I'm not used to feeling these human emotions so strongly, for one thing."

"Course you don't. This is your first day as a human. And don't feel bad about crying, Cas. We all have our moments. Remember me in the hospital when you told me I was the one who had to stop Lucifer? I was crying like a baby. I was overwhelmed. It wasn't one of my shining moments, but hey, what are you going to do? Anyway, you're going through something HUGE. You used to be an angel. Now you are as human and mortal as Sam and I, am I right?"

Castiel nodded his head. "Yes. I can be killed, injured, just like you can. I do not have any of the powers I used to have. But what bothers me the most – besides the fact that I am not much help to you in this form, is that I do not know how to live in this form. I was an angel for many millennia, Dean. I feel I am not myself anymore. I feel so lost. And top of that, the end of the world is coming. I don't know who is in charge up there in heaven anymore."

Sam was coming back with the McDonalds. "Cas, let's get to a motel, and try and make you as comfortable as possible for now. The end of the world can wait. Nothing has struck us with lightning yet, and even though you aren't yourself right now, I can't tell you how relieved I am that you aren't DEAD. That has to be a good thing. Lucifer might be causing some havoc right now that could be irreversible, but that's above and beyond what I can take care of right now. I have no way of knowing how to stop him. What I can do, is make sure you are taken care of. Everything in good time."

Sam got into the back seat and handed Castiel the McDonald's bag. "Eat it slow," Dean instructed. "You probably aren't used to eating, are you?" Castiel shook his head. "Take small bites, and chew a lot before you swallow." Dean watched Castiel carefully as he took a tiny bite of a hamburger and chewed it with a look of both curiosity and uncertainty. He swallowed and took another bite. Castiel's physical system must have been registering that this food was exactly what he needed, because he started eating faster, almost inhaling the burger eagerly.

"Hey, slow down, Cas," Dean said. "We don't need you choking to death on a day like this."

Castiel slowed down and after another bite drank some of the shake. "This is good," Castiel said. "What flavor is this?"

"It's chocolate," Sam said.

"No wonder people like chocolate so much. It's good." Castiel slurped some more and then decided to try the apple pie. "Very good," Castiel said, after a couple of bites.

After Castiel finished eating everything, and Dean made sure he didn't need more, Dean took off for the closest motel. It was more their speed than that Ritz, just one of those drive up to your door types with décor that was seriously outdated.

Dean insisted that Castiel get some rest before telling them everything. He looked worn out, and Castiel confirmed he hadn't slept once since he'd been turned human. There were only two beds in the room, as usual, and Dean didn't want to make Castiel sleep on a chair. Sam offered to take the chair.

Dean fluffed Castiel's pillow for him and told him to get to bed, as if he were a child. Castiel obeyed. Dean lied down on his bed. Then he realized he needed to go to the bathroom. Then, he realized that Castiel probably never had to "use the facilities" before.

"Ah – Cas – has your body ever had to go to the bathroom before?"

"No, I've never eaten before today. I think my bladder may need emptying, though."

"You go first then. Please try to aim for the toilet though! We don't need a golden shower all over the toilet seat."

Castiel had been getting up, but he looked down in shame at Dean's comment. To Dean, it looked as if he wasn't sure he could accomplish keeping the toilet seat dry.

"I'm kidding, Cas. Just sit on the toilet then for now. Don't worry about it too much. You'll get the hang of it later," Dean said.

Several minutes later, they were both ready for bed again.

"Dean?" Castiel said. "I don't even know if I can fall asleep," Castiel said. "I've never had to sleep before."

"Hopefully you will be exhausted enough it will come naturally to your body. Close your eyes and try to relax. Sleep just sorta happens." Dean lay down and closed his own eyes. "I'll be right here if you need me."

Ten minutes later, Castiel said, "Dean, I'm not asleep yet."

"It'll take some time, Castiel," Dean said.

Dean opened his eyes and saw Castiel was shaking. "Cas, what's wrong?"

"I don't know Dean," Castiel said. "I'm not sure I can sleep, and I am scared."

It looked to Dean like Castiel was having a panic attack. "Hey, hey," he said, and got up. Next thing he knew, he had lied down right next to Castiel. "I'm here. You're going to be okay." He grabbed Castiel's hand. "Hold my hand, and look into my eyes. Let's talk about something nice, and calm you down."

Castiel struggled to focus. "I was impressed that you found me at the sporting goods store," he said. "I had given up hope by the time you showed up. I figured you were heading to the mountains anyway."

"We were," Dean said.

"What made you turn around?"

"You. I just got this antsy feeling because I didn't know you were okay. I had to look for you. So we drove back. We checked all the places we'd been to. I felt like it was a long shot, with everything. But I couldn't go on without you anymore."

"Sounds romantic," Castiel said, with a tiny smile on his face. Dean laughed. "You cracked a joke!" Castiel started laughing himself. Dean had never heard the angel laugh before. Well, he had never laughed _as_ an angel. It was a small, short laugh, but it was good to see Castiel relieve some tension.

"Really, Dean, normally I would have said you were wasting time looking for me, but I am actually very grateful you found me. Like I said, I had no money, I didn't have your phone number, I really thought all was lost, until I thought of our code phrase with shorts. I went to a Kmart and realized they didn't have shorts for sale this time of year. I asked a man there where I could buy shorts. He said the sporting goods store. So I went there, and hoped that somehow, you would think of our code phrase too and find me."

"We really got lucky on that one," Dean said. He noticed Castiel's eyes were drooping. "You feel like you might be able to sleep? You look drowsy."

"Yes. Please stay here, though. I feel calmer with you here."

"Sure thing, buddy. Sam, you can take the other bed." Sam silently crawled into the other bed.

Moments later, Dean noticed that Castiel had nuzzled his head closer to Dean's, so that their foreheads were touching. Dean didn't move.

What really surprised him, though, was that he didn't _want_ to move.


	7. Chapter 7

In the morning, Dean was surprised to discover that they still hadn't been reduced to ashes in a burning crater. He wondered why Zachariah hadn't shown up to smite him yet. Was he saving that for after Dean outdid Lucifer?

He looked over at his slumber buddy. Castiel lay close by, eyes still closed. What did a former angel dream about, his first night sleeping? Dean wondered. He tried to move quietly off the bed, but the light rustling of the springs of the mattress bounced enough to make Castiel's eyelids jump open.

"Dean." Castiel said immediately.

"Yeah, I'm here. Did you sleep okay?"

Castiel blinked and then sat up. "I am not sure how to answer that question."

"Do you feel well rested? Body stronger? No longer drowsy?"

Castiel looked down at himself. "I think so. Let's eat and then discuss what we need to do." Castiel climbed out of bed, passing Dean on the way over the left side of the bed. He seemed calm and collected, more like his cool angel self. He wasn't flustered or panicky anymore. Dean figured it must have been the lack of sleep for a couple of days. Yet…Dean felt an odd sense of loss rather than relief that his friend was feeling better. Why? Dean knew it had to do with his need to always look out for someone. Dean was determined he would still look out for Castiel. He started with making sure Cas had an appropriate breakfast.

Sam was going to go get the complementary donuts and coffee, but Dean insisted on going to a local restaurant and ordering Castiel a real meal. He would need the energy to get through the day while he got used to being a human being.

On the way over to the Perkins, Castiel told them everything that had happened. Castiel didn't have much luck finding an ally. Every angel he went to felt Castiel was going against prophecy and in what could have passed for a mini-trial, Castiel was deemed banished from Heaven, with Zachariah leading the proceedings. It was either that or to be killed altogether.

"Banished?" Dean said. "Man, that's harsh. But at least they didn't kill you. We can still get your grace back somehow. Did you find out what they plan to do about me?"

"Somewhat. They are already plotting to coerce you to complete the prophecy. The final seal did get broken, you didn't get there in time for that. So Lucifer must now be stopped. Whether it is prophecy or not. Although I am almost just as worried about Zachariah gaining power as I am Lucifer – not quite as much, but some, because Zachariah seems very power hungry lately and…well I get this impression that he plans on having a great deal to do with how this Paradise he speaks of turn out. Like it will be his Paradise, not God's. "

"We will have to be on alert at all times. We will be traveling a very dangerous road with serious consequences for two of the paths. Lucifer winning the battle is obviously the worst consequence. We absolutely mustn't let that happen. Zachariah's prophecy – and I am getting more and more convinced he and some higher ranking angels are in on it – is also a path that feel would be unsavory. Part of the reason I feel this way was when I was being punished for having feelings for Dean. Zachariah and some of his superiors seemed very threatened by the idea that Dean's perceptions and views could influence me. It is why they were so harsh to me."

Castiel looked up with regret in his eyes. Dean could feel the ache Castiel felt, as if it were his own. "I am sorry, Dean, for the way I treated you afterwards. You did not deserve that at all. Let me just say their coercion to get me to comply was exquisite and…you could call it brainwashing, to make it simple. Also, as I said, I wasn't sure if perhaps they were right. That Paradise had to be. They were convincing me that for you to have your way completely would be very dangerous. Later though, my inner alarm bells were telling me it was for personal reasons they wouldn't want me to listen to you, not because it would threaten God and his plan."

"Don't worry about it Cas," Dean said, as an acknowledgement of Castiel's apology. "This is interesting though. So they don't like my ideas, huh? My views on the world are too dangerous for powerful angelic beings? I must say, I sound like quite the stud now," he said, cracking his knuckles proudly and raising his eyebrows.

"Dean, you were already quite the stud if you had to be the one to stop Lucifer," Sam said.

"That was only because I was stupid enough to start it in the first place!"

"Castiel," Sam said. "Maybe this is an awkward question, but what were you talking about when you said you were having feelings for Dean?"

"Sam!" Dean whispered harshly. "That is a VERY awkward question. Will you shut up?"

"Sorry," Sam said. "I was just curious…"

"Never mind," Dean said, cutting Sam off. "Cas. What did you find out about how we can stop Lucifer? Let's get down to the important business here."

Castiel looked down. Dean couldn't tell if it was embarrassment about the whole conversation about _feelings _which was just about as awkward and chic-flick moment as you could get, or if he was just embarrassed that he didn't learn anything about Lucifer.

Castiel's intense gaze revealed nothing, other than the seriousness of their predicament. "I was not able to find out anything. No one would talk to me about it because I was in so much trouble. They said prophecy would lead you in the right direction, and I did not need to concern myself with such matters, it would only open dangerous paths."

"Dangerous paths for them, I bet," Dean said.

"Yes, in Zachariah's case and some of his superiors. However, I believe most of the angels are in the dark like I am, and felt it would open dangerous paths as in Lucifer could win."

"Well, I'm going to do my best to stop him, but this is sounding impossible!" Dean said, frustrated. "No one will tell me what I need to do to stop him."

"Well," Castiel said, "Despite what is happening to me, I feel like having a little faith that we will be headed in the right direction will help. I think our first step is to try and find Divine Guidance, as in as directly as possible, without the angels in the way."

"Pardon me, Cas, but are you thinking God is just suddenly going to talk to you directly when the angels themselves banished you? I don't mean to sound harsh," Dean said.

"Well, that's the thing. I don't know which angels are on what side, but," Castiel paused. "I have faith that God the Almighty would still communicate with me. Don't ask me how certain angels can step in and do against his will – there is a hierarchy in heaven with ranks of angels you can barely begin to understand. Also I believe the way things are going correlates with the old adage, 'God works in mysterious ways.' Anyway, I have a plan on how to get a message from God."

"Which is?" Dean asked.

"We need to find someone very devout. A human being who would only listen to the clear, true voice of God."


	8. Chapter 8

After breakfast, they all piled into the Impala and blasted the heat into the car. It was chilly and raining, with large, dark storm clouds in the distance and the occasional lightning and thunder. Dean felt as if he were in an episode of Scooby-Doo. The only thing that could make the atmosphere more complete would be to drive past an old, spooky mansion.

"I wonder if the entire world is getting this forecast?" Dean asked, ducking his head down slightly so he could get a better view of the closest storm cloud through the windshield. "Extremely gloomy with no chance of improvement?"

Castiel was sitting in the front seat so that Dean could speak to him more directly on the ride. Dean had insisted. "Don't say that Dean. We _must _stop Lucifer."

"I know, you keep telling me that! You know, all this is hard for me to wrap my head around, Cas. On one hand Lucifer could take over the world, hell on Earth. On the other hand, Zachariah or whoever could win their battle and next thing we know we're stuck in Stepford Paradise the rest of our fricken lives, probably for eternity." Dean momentarily threw his hands up in frustration, but not long enough to affect the steering of the car. His hands lay back on the wheel, and gripped it tightly.

Castiel looked at Dean with deep concern in his eyes. "Try to relax and trust things will work out, Dean."

"You're saying that Cas? You? Who lost your angelhood a few days ago? Who's telling me I MUST stop Lucifer, no matter what? Well, you know what Cas? I'm a little stressed out. I'm more than a little stressed out. The whole world is about to go to hell in one way or the other, and all the weight lays on my shoulders. I don't think I CAN calm down."

Castiel was still looking intently at Dean. Dean could see it out of the corner of his eye – he turned to look at Castiel briefly before putting his eyes back where they belonged, on the road.

Dean was surprised at just HOW intently Castiel had been looking at him, and how MUCH it affected Dean in that two-second glance.

Dean suddenly felt much calmer. Just like that. The change was so significant, he shook his head a little, blinked his eyes, looked at the road ahead of him, and then a quick glance back at Castiel. Who was now just looking straight ahead. Dean was almost used to Castiel's deep stares, but this one – Castiel must have gotten a black belt or something in staring the last time he was in heaven.

"How did you do that?" Dean asked.

"Do what?" Castiel turned his head to look at Dean.

"You know what I mean!"

Castiel genuinely looked confused. "No I don't, Dean."

Dean realized that Castiel was no longer an angel and no longer had the mojo to affect Dean's mental state. So what had happened? Dean glanced at Castiel again. Castiel's eyes were already locked to meet Dean's, and looked as if they never wanted to let go.

Dean felt uncomfortable. He was having trouble putting his finger on why – Castiel had stared hard at him time and time again, but this time, there was something different about it…

"Castiel, why do you _do_ that?" Dean asked.

"Do what?"

"Stare at me like that! You do it all the damn time!"

Castiel looked away, obviously embarrassed. He looked straight ahead instead. "I did not mean to make you uncomfortable Dean. I – find you interesting."

Dean regretted what he had said instantly. He realized too, why he had felt uncomfortable, and why he regretted belittling Castiel.

It was because Dean had _enjoyed_ it. He had enjoyed Castiel staring at him. It had felt good, and to Dean, it was unacceptable. He shouldn't feel like this – shouldn't even be thinking about this! He tried to put his mind back on the road. However his mind wandered to last night, when Castiel's head had touched Deans. It had felt warm, and comfortable, and good.

Which it shouldn't have – Dean told himself. He forced himself back to the present moment and told himself that nonsense was over.

"Don't worry about it Cas, forget I said anything," Dean said, wanting this whole conversation to go away. However on the fringes of his being, he was aware that he hoped that now Castiel woudn't_ stop _looking at him like that. He hadn't regretted getting curt with Castiel, he did it all the time. He hoped though that Castiel would still look at him like that…Dean told himself it was because it was relaxing. That was it. He needed to be able to relax these days. Better tell Castiel so he still does it.

But what am I getting myself into? Dean wondered. He still spoke up. "Cas, I mean it, forget what I said," he repeated himself. He glanced over at the former angel, who was still looking straight ahead. "Hey, Cas, you still have some angel mojo in you – you were able to calm me down just by looking at me – so don't stop, okay? Call it my own personal Valium or something." Dean hoped that didn't sound too weird for Sam there in the back seat.

Castiel looked over at Dean and a smile broke through his face. A real one. Dean had never seen that – except in that dream he'd had. It lit up Castiel's eyes for a moment, and then Castiel looked down shyly. "I am glad I was able to help you, Dean," Castiel said.

"Hey, you were smiling!" Dean said. "That's great! So – if it's okay to ask, how does it feel to be human now? Is it a big difference?"

Castiel looked thoughtful. Looked up towards his eyebrows as if looking towards his brain would give him more insight on how to answer the question. "Well, imagine you've been inside the body of a cat for months. You've gotten used to being in the cat's body, its physiological responses and such, but you know that you are still human and can feel your humanness, I guess you could say."

" Then one day your humanness is taken away from you and now you can only be the cat. In some ways you are used to the cat body, in other ways it now feels like a prison, because it is so limiting compared to your true form. An angel is a being of light. The human body is very confining compared to my true visage. Or what was my true visage."

"Well, we're going to see what we can do for you Cas, okay?" Dean said, wanting to reassure the former angel. "You pulled me out of hell, the least I can do is get your grace back for you. Now you need me as much as I needed you," Dean said, before he realized how socially awkward that sounded.

"Well, tell us about how we're going to get us some answers through a nun," Dean said, wanting to change the subject. They were headed towards a convent a day's trip away, since St. Mary's had bit the dust.

"Some nuns are so devout, they live and breathe through God," Castiel explained. "All nuns are devout, otherwise they wouldn't be nuns in the first place. However, some live in the world more so than others, pay more attention to their daily lives and tasks than others. Some special nuns though, see everything they do and see as a way to connect to God. It's hard to explain since nuns are always trying to achieve this way of living anyway. I guess you could say some still get pretty distracted by the realities of life, even in a convent. A few though, are in close communion with God every day, through faith, and prayer, and diligence."

"There will most likely be at least one nun like this in this city we are going to. We will speak to her." Castiel said.

"I hope she's full of good answers for us. We don't have time for a wild goose chase," Dean said.

Castiel agreed. They all rode in silence for awhile, other than Sam asking Castiel a few more quick questions. Later, the already darkened day faded to black, and Dean decided it was time to pull over to a motel. Another nondescript one with funky bedspreads and cheap art on the walls. Dean and Sam were always trying to be economical.

"We should watch the news," Dean said. "I'm curious to see if Lucifer started up any crazy disasters yet." He flipped the TV on.

"I doubt it," Castiel said. He sat down on one of the room chairs. "Lucifer will have something much more diabolical planned, than just ordinary disasters."

"Like what?" Sam asked.

"Such as gaining people's trust and then betraying them in ways beyond imagining. It will be terrible, I do not like to think of what Lucifer is capable of."

Dean still watched the news, and nothing significant was going on – no buses of nuns driving off a cliff, or tornados wiping out entire towns. Just that the weather was gloomy and was predicted to stay gloomy where they were, and in several surrounding states.

Eventually it was time to get ready for bed. Castiel went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Castiel said that some of the grooming and hygienic habits – even though as an angel, Castiel hadn't needed to do them – were already ingrained in the brain he had now inherited. It made the transition to a human easier than it could have been – was the reason Castiel didn't need to be potty-trained, for one. Dean had shown Castiel how to shave, that morning, though, so he wouldn't cut himself.

Dean felt he was left with the awkward dilemma of where everyone was going to sleep. He wanted to make sure Castiel had a real bed to sleep on, since he wasn't used to being human yet, and Sam had sacrificed a bed the night before – even though he did end up with a bed after all.

Dean felt – torn. Part of him wished that Castiel still needed him to sleep nearby – and that scared Dean. He felt again the feeling of Castiel's head touching his in the bed. Part of him hoped he could have that again. He didn't want to spend too much time analyzing it either.

But it was time to get real. Castiel seemed to feel much better today, and probably wasn't going to need Dean nearby. So the only answer was to offer to take a chair, so that Castiel got one bed and Sam got the other. He mentioned he would take the chair once Castiel came out of the bathroom.

"No," Castiel said. "Remember how I was able to calm you down today? Your presence next to me helps me to sleep. If you don't mind. Then you could sleep on a bed as well."

"Sure," Dean said, trying not to show that he was pleased. He felt embarrassed that Sam was witnessing him crawling into bed with a man the second night in a row, but Sam was being decent enough to not make it a more socially awkward moment.

Everyone climbed into their places on the beds and Dean snapped off the lamp, but before the light was out, noticed how striking Castiel's features were – his dark, almost black hair was slightly messed up and looked even blacker when compared to the bright white t-shirt Castiel was wearing. That hair had pointed corners dangling over Castiel's pronounced eyebrows, and his nose was so perfectly straight –Dean felt like he was looking at a carved statue, because Castiel's profile was handsome, _very_ handsome. He looked like a – an angel. Was it an accident that the vessel he chose was fitting for an angel?

Dean lay down and wondered how close Castiel would get to him. Castiel stayed on his side of the bed, his back flat down to the bed so that Castiel was looking straight up. Despite himself, Dean kept himself on his right side so that he was facing Castiel completely. Not that he could see him very well in the dark. He closed his eyes, telling himself it was time to get some rest.

A few minutes later, Castiel turned so that he was on his side, facing Dean as well. Dean opened his eyes to watch when he felt the bed moving. He was too curious to see which way Cas was going to face.

And felt content that Castiel was facing him. He was still on the other side of the bed, not all that close, but it was a small, double bed, so Dean adjusted himself so that he was closer to Castiel. Not quite touching, he didn't have the nerve for that. But if he moved just barely, they would be touching.

Castiel adjusted himself again, and then their foreheads suddenly connected in the dark. Dean felt as if a warm light had turned on inside him. Dean smiled. He hoped Sam wasn't seeing this. He closed his eyes and was glad that Castiel didn't move an inch afterwards. Dean fell asleep without budging himself again either.


	9. Chapter 9

Dean woke up to Castiel's warm body right up next to his. It didn't bother Dean one bit, in fact it was a pleasant surprise, and Dean lay there, enjoying the closeness. He hoped Sam wasn't hovering over the bed getting a look at this, but Dean wasn't willing to move just yet either. Having Castiel right next to him felt – safe. Like the world wasn't going to end soon after all. Life seemed real, and the apocalypse was more like a box office hit rather than what waited for him outside the motel room door. At least for a moment, anyway.

Dean sighed. He looked down at Castiel's sleeping eyes and wondered what a former angel's heart harbored. Was he scared? Did he feel lost? Dean also found himself wondering exactly what Castiel had meant by his statement about getting in trouble in heaven for having feelings for Dean.

Dean didn't like it that Castiel had gotten into trouble. But the having feelings part… Dean wanted to know more.

If this had been any other time, Dean wouldn't have touched that with a ten foot pole. But now, he felt that statement of affection pouring through the broken cracks of his being, filling all the worn spots and erosions he felt from stress with liquid warmth.

And he didn't want to fight it. Not now, he didn't have the energy, and it soothed him, gave him strength for the moment at hand. He didn't know what this feeling of affection for Castiel meant, he just wanted to enjoy it. Later, Dean figured, it would just seem silly. He could kick himself then for being such a gay wad.

Castiel woke up and looked straight into Dean's eyes. Dean had been staring at Castiel's closed eyelids.

"Uh, hi Cas," Dean said awkwardly.

"Hello Dean," Castiel said, and smiled. His eyes lit up. Then they clouded over.

"What's wrong?" Dean asked.

"I just remembered the huge task we have at hand. I don't remember it right away when I wake up."

"I think I do," Dean said. "I'm always wondering if Zachariah's going to do me in during the night. Hey, can we call Bobby yet?"

Castiel backed his head up a little bit on the pillow so he could see Dean's face more clearly. They were lying rather close. "Yes. I sent him a message in a dream before I was condemned, but if he's following it, he's off track for now. I told him to go to the mountains we were heading to."

Dean got out of bed. Saw that Sam was just getting up too. Dean grabbed his phone and speed dialed Bobby's number. Only reached his voicemail, left him a message to call immediately.

"God, I hope he's alright," Dean said. "We haven't heard from him in days."

--

Back on the road, they had only a few more hours until they reached the convent. Dean suggested on the ride that they call Castiel something else when checking into motels – Castiel sounded too weird. Castiel said to just call him Cas in that case, and if the motels needed a full name, he could be something like Casper. That way they wouldn't have to get used to a whole new name.

Sam was feeling curious on the drive and asked Castiel some questions. "Cas, you were talking about your true visage – when you were an angel, anyway – as being a being of light. I was wondering, what was it about that light body you were in that makes it too much for humans to look at? Why Pam's eyes burned out just from looking at you? Is it just too much of a light spectrum for human eyes?"

"Yes, that is exactly right," Castiel confirmed. "Looking at an angel's light could be akin to walking through solid candlelight for your eyes. I can't describe what it would look like since human eyes can't perceive it, but it is multi-faceted – so more than three dimensional."

"Wow. That sounds cool. Too bad we can't see it," Sam said.

Sam asked a few more questions about how Castiel was feeling without his angel body. Castiel told him that he felt like a ghost. His true self was gone, he was just a shell of what he used to be.

Dean gave Castiel an understanding look. "Sorry, dude. I'm going to try my best to get you fixed up."

"I believe you, Dean." Castiel sounded like he believed that's what Dean believed, but he really didn't have much hope. He looked back at the road, studied it silently.

They reached the convent at 11am. It was a large white church on the outskirts of a small town, with a garden that some nuns were weeding in. Somehow, in this town, the sun was managing to peek through the clouds. Dean hoped that was a good sign.

Castiel led the way to the main office of the convent. He didn't waste time with formalities. He told the head nun that he needed to speak with the most devout nun in the convent.

The Mother Superior looked at Castiel with raised eyebrows, and scoped all three of them out. Probably trying to decide which sins we are here to confess, Dean thought.

"All of our nuns are devout," she told them.

"There is one nun here that is more in communion with the Lord Our Father than most. We must speak to her. It is urgent."

The Mother Superior looked as if she was unsure as to how Castiel knew this, but decided not to deny him. "Very well. Let me see if she is done with her morning prayers."

They waited in the church's worship center on dark stained pews. Several minutes later an elderly, yet bright eyed, woman approached them. Not a hair could be seen peeking out of her habit. Her wrinkles seemed to show wisdom rather than age.

"My name is Sister Mary Clarisse," she told them in a voice that reminded Dean of a tweeting bird. It was high pitched and almost childlike. "Could I know your names as well?" She was looking at Dean as she said this, but turned and looked directly at Castiel. "Your real name," she told Castiel.

Eyebrows were raised and the three of them looked at each other, as if to confirm that it did mean something that this nun was aware Castiel had decided on an alias today.

Castiel waited a moment for Dean and Sam to give their names. Then he said "Castiel. Have you heard of me?"

Sister Mary Clarisse sat down. "I am honored to meet you, Castiel, in any form you happen to be in," Clarisse said. "I am assuming you are all here about the Prince of Darkness's appearance on Earth."

"You know about that?" Sam said.

"I know that you brothers were present right before his arrival."

"What else do you know?" Dean asked hopefully. "Do you know how we can stop him?" This was sounding promising to Dean. This nun knew what was going on already.

"I only hear what the Lord chooses to tell me," Clarisse explained. She didn't explain further though.

"What?" Dean remembered to whisper his exasperation because he was in a church. "Does that mean you don't know?"

"I knew of your arrival ahead of time. A fallen angel, the one who started the emergence of Lucifer, and the one who sealed the deal. An unusual set of guests. An important set of guests." She looked at Dean. "You are the one Our Lord counts on."

"Yeah, I need some tips," Dean said. "Please, Sister Mary…"

"Patience, my child," Clarisse said, but with a smile, she was not annoyed, but amused." Lucifer inhabits a human body. A devout follower of the black arts willingly gave it to him. Destroying this body will not destroy Lucifer. He is a fallen angel that has turned his grace into an eternal shadow. This eternal shadow is incredibly powerful. You must destroy it."

"Yeah, but how?" Dean said.

"Let me get the manual," Clarisse said, and started getting up. Then she sat back down. "That was a joke," she said. Nobody was laughing, though. Sam did crack a smile.

"Castiel, you know how the Lord works, don't you," Clarisse said. "He never divulges information ahead of the time that he wants to."

"That is correct." Castiel said.

"Then you must realize that each day for us now is like turning a page of a book. And this is not a book where we can cheat and peek at the ending ahead of time."

"Now it sounds like you're talking about that prophecy," Dean said. He was dejected. Maybe this nun was going to just follow Zachariah's path of glory. Hello, Stepford.

"Oh, my child, do not give up hope. You were chosen for a reason," she said with a glint in her eyes. "Our Father in heaven does not make mistakes. Your heart of all hearts must be followed to the end, for Lucifer to be defied. I have a word of advice – more than one word – oops. Do not fight any inner battles right now. Do what feels best at any given moment – even if it goes against the grain of who you may have been in the past."

Dean blinked, embarrassed. Could this nun read his mind? Just this morning he was thinking about how he didn't have the energy to fight the unusual feelings of affection he was feeling for Castiel.

"God not only speaks through me, but through all of us as well. Most people do not realize this," Clarisse explained. "A lot of people do not listen. A lot of people think they already know what is best. This seems to contradict the advice I just gave you, Dean," she said. "I said do what _feels _best, not necessarily what you _think _is best."

"What if I mix it up?" Dean said.

"Dear child, have faith that our Lord knew what he was doing when he chose you to stop this eternal shadow from being cast upon the world. That alone will get you far."

"So, forgive me for asking, but does this mean you don't really have any answers for me?" Dean asked.

"Just because my answer is similar to the angel called Zachariah's does not mean it leads to the same result."

"Um, I think you just said that things don't necessarily have to go Zachariah's way," Sam said.

Clarisse smiled. "There is only our Heavenly Father's way. Everything else is a thread in a tapestry that shows the same picture when you step back to behold it."

"Great," Dean said. "Look, If you have any _solid _advice for us, like where Lucifer is, what kind of spells can stop him, et cetera, could you tell us, please? Because I'm afraid that somehow I'm going to slip and Lucifer's going to be using my skin as his personal rug."

"I am a nun. I know nothing of spells," she said. She smiled. "I know of faith, and trust, and devotion to Our Heavenly Father. However, that doesn't mean that someone who _does _know of spells, conjurations and such, cannot hear the true, clear voice of the Lord as I do. Perhaps you know of someone who is knowledgeable about spells?"

Dean and Sam looked at each other. "Bobby." Dean looked at Clarisse. "But we can't reach him."

"Perhaps you can go to him," she said. "Be warned, there will be dangers. This is not an easy path that the Lord has laid out for you. Be on guard. Be careful who you trust. But trust in the Lord."

She got up and walked over to Mother Superior's office. She came back with a card. "This is the phone number to the convent. Call me again if you feel uncertain, or have questions."

Dean took it gratefully. They thanked the nun for her assistance, and before they left, she insisted that the Lord had a message for Castiel, She whispered it in his ear.

Castiel smiled as she stepped aside. He was beaming. Dean had never seen such a smile on him.

"What did she say?" Dean asked as they were walking out to the car.

"She said I was not forgotten. I was still cradled in the arms of the Lord."


	10. Chapter 10

Heading to Bobby's to get some help made Dean feel – _normal_. As if they were suddenly on some typical hunting trip and Bobby could help them crack the case with one of his dusty old tomes.

Other than that, Dean couldn't get over the nagging feeling that something was _wrong_. They hadn't spoken to Bobby for days, and he wasn't returning Dean's several phone calls. Dean kept making them, as if each one somehow inched him closer to Bobby answering the phone on the other end.

Dean even called a neighbor of Bobby's and he reported back that Bobby wasn't answering his door and his car was gone.

"He could have headed to the mountains," Castiel said. "I did send him a dream telling him to go to a mountain range in Washington State. It's possible that where he is at, his cell phone does not get a signal."

Dean drove to Bobby's house anyway, since South Dakota was on the way to Washington. At Bobby's property, the salvage yard with rusted skeletons of cars reminded Dean of that movie, Terminator 2. The scene when everything had been nuked and nothing was left on the freeway but the charred shells of cars. Dean shook his head to remove the image from his mind. Lucifer may want death and destruction, but in the end, he was going to have to settle for a DVD about killer robots from the future and a bowl of popcorn. Dean sniggered a little from his inner joke.

They used their copy of Bobby's house key to get in when Bobby didn't answer the door. Dean and Sam scoured the house from basement to attic, with Castiel at Dean's side constantly because he didn't want anything to happen to the former angel. When Castiel proclaimed he needed to use the bathroom, Dean insisted on checking behind the shower curtain and inside the towel closet before he would let Castiel do his business in private. Dean felt he needed to be on guard for all possibilities – something nasty could have taken Bobby straight from his house – and then driven off in Bobby's car – okay, not likely.

But better safe than sorry. Castiel's new vulnerability of being mortal stood out to Dean as something he had to protect. Castiel's humanness was like a fragile egg he was trying to transport back to his grace. If he wasn't careful, Castiel could get broken (killed) and then it would be too late.

They all decided to spend the night at Bobby's, knowing Bobby wouldn't mind if they were there. Maybe they would get lucky and Bobby would drop in, after some hunting trip.

Dean was still concerned that Castiel wouldn't sleep well if he was stuck on the couch or the floor. Bobby owned a two story house, but the one extra bedroom upstairs was used to hold Bobby's growing library of books on spells and rituals. Sam convinced Dean and Castiel to take Bobby's bed. Sam convinced Dean that if Bobby showed up in the night, Sam would warn Bobby that his bed was already occupied.

They climbed into bed and faced one another. Bobby's bed was old, and very creaky. Every little movement they made to get into bed had a soundtrack. Castiel met Dean's gaze for a moment, and then looked down. He appeared to be tracing the corner of Dean's pillow with his eyes.

"What's wrong, Cas?" Dean asked.

"I'm still feeling lost, Dean. Despite what Sister Clarisse told me, I feel like a hollow shell. Empty of what I truly am. Except…"

"Except what?" Dean asked.

"My…feelings for you…they are still here. It is like I can hold onto them, consider them part of my identity that I have not lost."

Dean cleared his throat, embarrassed. Here were those "feelings" Castiel had brought up before – Dean felt a combination of curiosity and yearning to hear more, and also a conflicting emotion of wanting to avoid the whole subject.

"Yeah?" Oh geez, this was heading straight to a chick-flick moment, but Dean wasn't putting the brakes on it like he normally would. Hadn't the nun said to go ahead with what you felt rather than what you were thinking? His thinking was saying stop this awkward moment before it was scene in a sissy movie. His feelings were saying, this is your chance to find out more. He wanted to find out more. He liked the feeling that was fluttering in his heart, and was certain whatever Castiel had to say would increase it.

Castiel was silent, but met Dean's gaze again. Castiel's eyes were gently probing Dean's, a look of total acceptance, of wanting to connect.

"Dude, are you going to tell me what you are thinking?" Dean said.

"Dean, as an angel, we normally don't feel strong feelings of affection…"

Dean's heart leapt at the mention of strong feelings of affection.

"But I developed them for you. I…care for you, deeply."

Dean smiled a little. But what, he wondered, should he say in response?

"You taking care of me so kindly seems to have brought on a new level of caring and appreciation on my part that I did not know was possible. Yet, it has also brought on…" Castiel stopped abruptly.

"Brought on what, Cas?" He said it rather impatiently, and then regretted it. Just because Dean was eager to hear more didn't mean Castiel was obligated to pour out his heart just now.

Castiel's eyes flickered with warmth and seemed to stroke Dean from within. As if he could actually reach in and touch Dean's heart with them.

"Not sure this is what you want to hear, Dean," Castiel said. "But I long for more from you, more than ever now. In the past, as an angel, I could enjoy my feelings for you like a fine wine I kept on the shelf and drank from occasionally. Now, with my angelhood gone, I feel such a loss, and combined with increased feelings of affection, I feel as if I need something from you – not exactly sure what it is – but I do know, I long to touch you…"

Dean reached out and touched Castiel's angelic face, letting his emotions guide him – he traced the side of it and lingered down to the dark stubble surrounding Castiel's lips. He felt the scratchiness for a moment, and then moved down to the cushiony lips. "I want to touch you too," he admitted softly.

And then Dean took charge, like the man that he was. He slid closer to Castiel, their gazes still locked and electrifying the intensity of the feelings that were unfolding inside Dean. He enveloped Castiel in his arms, and encouraged Castiel to wrap his arms around him. It felt so good, so delicious to be this close to Castiel, it surprised him, and felt as if Castiel's feelings of affection for him were washing over him like tidewater. He never wanted it to stop.

His erection that had come alive with these recent events was also reminding him of how good it felt to finally lie in Castiel's arms, but Dean didn't want to take advantage of the former angel like that. Not now, anyway. Would he want to later? Right now the thought was still a little too odd for him. But he did lean in for the kiss that felt like the fulfillment they both needed right now.

He kissed Castiel gently, slowly, so that Castiel could follow Dean's lead and get a hang of it. Castiel's kisses back were the most beautiful, innocent, feather-like touches Dean had ever felt, and Dean increased the tempo a little to see if Castiel could follow. He was surprised at how brushing his lips against Castiel's masculine stubble was strangely sensual and erotic. He had to resist the urge to stick out his tongue and lick the scratchiness surrounding those lips. Instead, he kissed the outer parts of Castiel's lips, letting the stubble tickle his own lips. He also probed his tongue just barely into Castiel's mouth as he kissed – a little lick that eventually was met by a practicing lick from Castiel, and soft tongue met soft tongue in the midst of kisses that were getting harder, longer and deeper.

Damn, Dean was forgetting there was an apocalypse to stop. Dean gripped the sides of Castiel's arms as the kissed and rubbed them affectionately, rubbed his back, rubbed his hair and his scalp. Castiel was also hungrily touching Dean all around his body – at least the 'safe' places, nothing below the belt. It felt like a song at its crescendo when Castiel's hand lay gently stroking the side of Dean's face and his hair. It was hard to believe at that moment Castiel had lost his angelhood because Dean was certain only a divine being could make him feel like this - like all the love in the world was included in that touch. Dean had stopped kissing for a moment – he was overwhelmed and practically in another place with how beautiful it felt. Only Castiel's hungry new kisses brought Dean back to reality. And it was still a very GOOD reality.

They lay close together like that, in the dark, kissing and touching and holding each other, until Dean said they better get some sleep, because if Castiel would have had trouble sleeping on Bobby's stiff old couch, he certainly would have trouble sleeping if they were making out all night.

Castiel was content to lay his head against Dean's chest and try to fall asleep. Dean ducked his forehead so their heads would be touching, he wanted that connection as he fell to sleep.

Later, a noise became a voice, and then a face – Dean realized he was waking up from sleeping – and the familiarity became complete recognition when he saw Bobby was in the room, talking to him.

It took a few moments for Dean's brain to register that this was a good thing – Bobby had been missing. It took a few more moments for his brain to register that Bobby was witnessing Castiel wrapped up against Dean in an embraced that hadn't let up while they slept.

So much for Sam standing guard, Dean thought. He was as embarrassed as hell, but didn't regret having been in Castiel's arms at all. It was a weird combination.


	11. Chapter 11

I want to thank all the readers for continuing to read my story! It's encouraging to know people are reading it and it keeps me going! And thanks too to the reviewers, for letting me know what you think!

--

Dean was surprised that the last thing he wanted to do was make Castiel feel as if Dean didn't want to be there in his arms. Damn. Cas must really be affecting him, because in the past Dean would have made excuses about why he was caught on the spot. Like Castiel had been crying and Dean needed to comfort him, some innocent (hopefully) explanation, something to convince Bobby that nothing had been happening.

Instead, Dean sat there, looking proudly to have Castiel there so close to him. He did feel sheepish though, that it was Bobby's own bed that he had been caught in.

"Hey, Bobby, I'm glad you are here," Dean said, wanting to divert the socially awkward moment immediately. It was one thing to make sure Castiel didn't feel unwanted, but it was another to tactically make sure the conversation wasn't going to center around Dean and Castiel's interesting predicament.

Bobby, however, had other ideas about where the conversation should go.

"Holy shit, Dean. Holy Shit." Bobby looked down, the shock of the moment seemed to be overwhelming him.

"Hey," Dean said defensively. "I know this looks weird – but hey, it's a free country."

"In my own bed?" Bobby asked.

Dean pulled the covers aside. Both Dean and Castiel were dressed in t-shirts and shorts. "See? We're dressed. We weren't doing the wild thing in your bed, I swear."

Bobby broke out into a roaring laughter. "Geez Louise, Dean. I never figured you to be one to go for a dude. Let me get over the shock, okay?"

Dean jumped out of bed. "How's about we don't talk about it at all and start discussing where the hell you've been all this time and why you didn't return my calls?"

"I was on my way to a professor out east that is an expert on the black arts, to see if I could get any info that would pertain to our situation, Dean," Bobby said, his voice still raised, but he tapered it down as he continued. "Out in the middle of Nowhere, West Virginia, I lost my cell phone, at a rest stop, I think. All my contact numbers were in that phone. I just got home from my trip. I'm replacing the phone tomorrow."

"Yeah, but you always have spare in your glove compartment," Dean said.

"What is this, the third degree? That phone wasn't in my glove box this time."

"No, it's not the third degree, Bobby, but weird stuff has being going on and I can't help but ask questions."

Bobby looked from Dean and then to Castiel on the bed, who was awake now and watching them talk. He tisked. "Talking about _weird_ stuff going on, you two carrying on like a couple of lovebirds in my bed…"

"I am sorry, Bobby," Castiel said. "Dean was comforting me. I am going through a difficult period."

Bobby's eyes softened to look at Castiel. "Look you two – don't worry about it. I'm too tired to even think about it, anyway. Just get outta my bed please so I can get some shut-eye. You two have probably gotten enough sleep, since it's the crack of dawn. Go watch infomercials in the living room or something till I get up in a few hours."

--

Sam was still asleep on the couch downstairs. He was surprised, when Dean woke him up, that Bobby hadn't bothered to announce his presence when he came in, and also that Sam hadn't woke up from the sound of the opening front door. He apologized to Dean for failing to warn Bobby that his bed was occupied. Dean told him not to worry about it, because there was no point in emphasizing the fact that Bobby caught Dean and Castiel in an embarrassing situation when Sam was clueless anyway.

Dean was antsy to get going on getting something done, since he felt like _nothing _was being done as far as taking care of Lucifer or thwarting Zachariah. For all he knew the both of them had already built themselves castles and thrones in the middle of the United States. Dean was pacing after breakfast to work off some of his energy – which was distracting Sam, who had dived into several of Bobby's books to see if he could find clues on what to do about Lucifer. Castiel finally stood up and blocked Dean's pacing path – and gave him a heart-stopping stare.

"All right, I'll stop," Dean said. Even though his heart was racing faster from how intimately Castiel had just probed him with his eyes, he felt calmer now too, able to sit down and wait for Bobby to wake up. Sam wasn't having much luck with his research, other than lore on how to make Lucifer rise, so everyone was grateful when Bobby came downstairs at twelve noon.

Bobby gave Dean a strange look that Sam missed because Sam was still reading. "Guess I missed a whole bunch of _action _while I was gone," Bobby said as he grabbed a cup of coffee.

"Actually, things have been pretty slow for us, Bobby," Sam said. "We're hoping you'll have some insight as to what we can do to stop Lucifer."

Bobby laughed. "Me? I was following a lead and then lost my phone and came back home. I was hoping you guys could go out with me to meet this professor dude who knows a lot about the black arts. If anyone has any insight as to what to do, it's him."

Everyone filled Bobby in on what had been going on with them, and Dean was grateful that Sam seemed to have no clue as to what Bobby was referring to when he spoke of _action_. They all decided that going to meet up with this expert professor was their best lead and got ready to go quickly, and were officially on the freeway going east after Bobby stopped in the nearby town to replace his missing cell phone.

Bobby gave them the scoop on Dr. Brendan Vicewren, the professor, as they drove down a freeway that was darkened by storm clouds. Dr. Vicewren had led a colorful life, but not by choice – he was forced into an ancient satanic cult by his parents when he was 13 years old. He was exposed to knowledge about demonology that most professors only dreamed about during his 6 year membership of the cult. He managed to escape the cult and his parents when he was 19 and decided to study theology and demonology at a local Catholic University. Afterwards he combined the knowledge he learned from the cult firsthand and his studies to write fresh new material for those interested in the occult, demonology, and the black arts. His take on it was from an academic standpoint, not necessarily for those who wanted to join such cults or do such black arts, but to learn about them.

Later on, after midnight, Dean pulled into a motel because even though everyone else could sleep in the car okay, he didn't want Castiel to have to sleep upright unless had to. Besides Dean needed some shut-eye and Sam and Bobby were already nodding off, so it wasn't like they could drive.

Everyone agreed that two rooms were needed – therefore four total beds. Bobby made a snide comment that Dean probably wanted to be in Castiel's room for sure.

"It's not like that Bobby," Sam explained. Dean was thinking, thanks Bro, but then realized that since he and Bobby were shacking up for the night without Dean in room, Bobby was probably going to educate Sam – Cripes. Oh well.

Dean still asked for two beds for his room when they checked in, even though he was pretty darn sure Castiel would want to just sleep with him again. Dean was already sure he wanted to sleep with Cas.

Once alone in the room, Castiel asked him about it. "Are you hoping to have your own bed Dean?"

Dean swallowed. "Uh, no. Are you?"

"I really prefer sleeping with you," Castiel said matter of factly. With that look of longing in his eyes.

"Oh geez, Cas, you sure know how to give me that puppy dog look," Dean said, but he was smiling. "Of course I want to sleep with you silly. I kept thinking about last night in the back of my mind on our drive today, did you?"

"Yes, last night was incredible," Castiel said. He had this look on his face like he didn't know how to adequately put his feelings into words.

"Great. Don't worry about saying more. Your eyes tell me all. Well, I'm going to get ready for bed, and then you can have the bathroom. Meet up with you soon." He leaned in and kissed Castiel quickly, and smiled again.

In the bathroom, Dean used the toilet and then brushed his teeth quickly. He was in a hurry to crawl into bed and into Castiel's arms. Just as he put the toothbrush back down, he caught something in the mirror with the corner of his eye, something behind him. He looked back at the mirror, and wanted to punch it when he realized what he was seeing. Zachariah's round face, smiling very smugly.

"Zachariah!" Dean shouted. "What the hell are you doing here?" Dean said as he turned to face the angel.

"My visit with you has nothing to do with hell," Zachariah said. "Quite the contrary."

"Oh I don't care about your quips, Zachariah," Dean said. "And why did you show up in the bathroom of all places?"

"I do have a sense of humor," Zachariah said. "I thought it would be funny to make an entrance in here."

"Well I'm not laughing." Dean opened the door and walked out into the motel room. Castiel was staring at the door as Dean walked out, concern in his eyes – he must of heard Dean shout Zachariah's name.

Zachariah followed Dean. "Well, well, well, Castiel," Zachariah said. "It figures you couldn't keep yourself away from Dean, no matter what. Never have I seen an angel so _obsessed_ with a human being. It is suiting that you became one yourself. Are you enjoying it?"

It took all of Dean's willpower to keep from punching the angel's face in right there. "You leave Castiel alone, you BASTARD!" Dean yelled.

Zachariah smiled with a sickening sweetness. "This isn't the time for name-calling, Dean. I'm here to tell you and your tag along crew that going to Dr. Vicewren's place is a HUGE mistake. You should not go there. Also, Dean, I wanted to remind you that you took an oath to the angels. I still expect you to follow orders, Dean. And remember, this one," and he pointed to Castiel, "Is an angel no longer. His perspective is clouded, his judgment skewed, because he couldn't see past his feelings for you. Following him is NOT following the angels. It's practically just following yourself."

"Yeah, well that's all I want to follow. Me, myself, and my common sense and Castiel was wise enough to see what was best. Which reminds me," Dean said, and he had to speak over Zachariah's sudden burst of laughter – "what did you do to his grace? I want it back, Zach. NOW."

"You demand me, an angel to give back his grace?" Zachariah said. "Cute display of chivalry, Dean, but I'm not moved enough. Sure it made Castiel's newfound human heart flutter, though."

"I said _leave him alone_!" Dean shouted.

"And I said, you are under orders from the angels, Dean." Zachariah's face was serious now. "Do not go to Vicewren's house. If you do, you will regret it." And Zachariah was gone.

"We can't listen to him, Dean," Castiel said. "If Zachariah wants us to stay away, he may find a way to stop us, but if we can get there, it will most likely thwart his plans."

"That's what I was thinking," Dean said. "Let's talk about it in the morning. Right now I'm tired and I just want to hold you while I fall asleep." Dean leaned in and kissed Castiel, and then enclosed him in his arms. "I'm really grateful you decided to follow me rather than that dickweed," Dean whispered in his ear. "You still think it was the right thing to do?"

"More than anything, now," Castiel said, leaning in, kissing Dean. "Although, he could be right. My judgment is impaired by my feelings for you."

Dean gripped Castiel's shoulders and after a look into Castiel's dreamy eyes, kissed him again. "I don't think that's a bad thing, do you?"

"Not a bad thing at all," Castiel said in the middle of kisses. And as Dean led him down into the bed with him, kissing him all the way, he said, "I don't know how I ever could call this bad. This is the complete opposite of bad."

Castiel forgot all about brushing his teeth, and Dean wasn't complaining. They kissed gently for a short while, and then fell asleep completely wrapped in each other's arms.


	12. Chapter 12

In the morning, Dean reported the news of Zachariah's visit. Sam wondered if perhaps there was a reason they _shouldn't _go to Dr. Vicewren's. Bobby thought going to Vicewren's was exactly what they needed to do, because he knew of no better expert to help them. Dean wondered out loud what Zachariah expected them to do, twiddle their thumbs? Castiel mentioned that Zachriah's warning could mean (despite what Castiel had said last night) it would be dangerous. Dean also wondered why Zachariah wasn't taking more action to stop Dean. It was decided they would still go to Vicewren's house, and be careful as possible.

Sam was giving Dean some odd looks during the discussion, and then later in the parking lot, Dean was distracted suddenly when he saw how stunning Castiel looked just standing there. He was in his usual trench coat, hadn't given it up – hadn't given up his white shirt and black tie either. Actually it was probably more accurate to say that Castiel had nothing else to wear. Dean was going to have to take Castiel shopping for new clothes, soon.

But standing there, with the gray storm clouds as his background – Castiel looked dynamic, larger than life, almost as if his angel aura was still intact. Divinely handsome was a good description. He was looking down, deep in thought, his eyes almost a few shades darker, as if thinking about the grim days ahead could cause visible shadows on his soul. His black hair lay in disarray on his forehead – he hadn't thought to comb his hair, but it didn't make him look any less handsome.

He was also emanating an innocence that could probably make flowers grow and tough criminals cry. At the same time, Dean could feel Castiel's strength – the experience of millennias seemed to be holding him up, like a torch refusing to be dowsed in the wind. At any rate, the culmination of these things, and Dean's growing feelings for Castiel, was making Dean want to walk up and throw his arms around the man. Kiss him there, like a scene in a dramatic movie.

But, he couldn't. And Sam was pulling Dean at his elbow and saying, "I need to talk to you for a minute, Dean." Dean had to rip his eyes off Castiel and follow Sam several feet to where they could speak privately.

"Dean, Bobby's telling me that you and Castiel are an _item_," Sam said.

"Oh? So Bobby's talking my personal business behind my back," Dean said, crossing his arms.

"It was more like, 'Sam, so how long have Dean and Castiel been an item, because I sure was shocked as all get out.'"

"Oh."

"And, I just saw the way you were looking at him, Dean. You're _smitten_. Googly-eyes, the whole works. What happened between you two?"

Dean just looked around, embarrassed. "I don't know! Can we talk about this later? We've got Lucifer to catch."

"Yeah, whatever, Dean. That's your way of saying you're never going to talk about it," Sam said.

"And I owe you an explanation, why?" Dean asked.

"Because my big brother is suddenly going gay on me, right before my eyes!" Sam exclaimed. "I'm not even sure if you're you, anymore, Dean. This is _so_ not you."

"And then what am I? Lucifer posing as me and then going gay for Castiel? What a brilliant strategy. Not exactly sure what it would accomplish though, since you obviously don't trust me right now!" Just as Dean was saying it, he realized he was really saying, 'going gay for Castiel'. Wow. That really wasn't him. Since he'd been avoiding analyzing his feelings lately, he really hadn't looked that closely at how out of character it was for him to have these kinds of feelings for Cas. Not only that, he wasn't getting curt with Castiel anymore. Instead, all he seemed to care about is making sure Cas was comfortable and safe. Dean _was_ changing. No wonder Sam was concerned.

Dean stepped closer to Sam. Speaking more quietly, he said, "Look, Sam, I'm not sure what happened. I don't know that I can talk about what happened, either. Not now. But this is me, your big brother, I swear. Now don't give me a hard time about this or I'll pound your ass."

Sam smiled. "Now you sound more like Dean. And I don't know – you might have to pound my ass – because damn, it's tempting to give you a hard time about it…"

Dean gave Sam an icy glare. "Just kidding!" Sam said. "Look, don't worry about it."

Dean changed his look to one of gratitude – since his brother was laying off the gay talk.

It was time to hit the road and everyone climbed into the Impala. Not even ten minutes on the road and they had a flat tire.

"Dammit!" Dean said. "This has to be Zachariah's doing." He got out and put the spare tire on the car. Dirtier and disgruntled by the waste of time, Dean slipped back behind the steering wheel and resumed their course.

Fifteen minutes later, Dean had another flat tire. "Okay, this really bites. I have no other spare tires. And Zachariah must REALLY BE GETTING A LAUGH OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW, YOU ASSHOLE!"

Bobby called his AAA and found out the number for the closest tire place. Dean called them, they came to the rescue, and some time later, Dean had two repaired tires and his spare back in the trunk.

"Okay, what do we do now?" Dean said. "Zachariah could keep giving me flat tires till the cows come home and make millions of little babies. How are we going to get past this?"

"I say we pray for help," Castiel said.

"I say we call that nun. Maybe she has some inkling of what to do," said Sam.

"I say we call Old Vicewren," Bobby said. "That dude is rich and eccentric, kinda like Bruce Wayne on Batman. He might be willing to help us with transportation. I mean, this is about stopping Lucifer, right?"

Everyone's suggestion was followed – Castiel made a silent inner prayer to God, Sam called the nun, who told him that they needed to do what Dean felt was best – which Dean scowled at till he heard the results of Bobby's call to Vicewren.

"Vicewren said he can help, he has a contact in this area that can provide us transportation. He said put Dean's car into storage to keep it safe."

"I don't know," Dean said. "I don't really like the idea of putting my baby in storage – but if it's the only way…" He thought a moment. He was tempted to wonder if there was a good reason that Zachariah didn't want him to go to Vicewren's, but then he didn't trust Zachariah enough either to listen to him. And what were they going to do if they didn't go to Vicewren's?

Bobby called the contact number and he was happy to take them the rest of the way to Dr. Vicewren's house. Dean reluctantly put the Impala into storage, and the contact, Mr. Reese, showed up shortly after. Dean instructed him that if any weird delays happened, he would just find a way back to his Impala.

Mr. Reese picked them up with a minivan that looked and smelled new. Dean was anxious, waiting to see what could go wrong on the rest of the trip. After an uneventful hour went by, Dean felt more able to relax and more confident about his decision. This was the closest he'd gotten to any answers on what to do about Lucifer.

In a couple days, they were at Vicewren's house . Dean noted that everywhere they went, the gloomy clouds followed them. Dr. Vicewren's house looked a little creepy compared to the other houses in the neighborhood – it was a mansion, like the rest of them, but looked like old, stained stone with many cracks that hadn't been repaired, moss growing in the cracks, and several untamed vines grew on the sides – it looked a lot less trimmed and neat compared to his next door neighbors. Dean was tempted to think the place looked – _haunted_ – and that Vicewren wanted it look that way.

Inside, the interior was very neat – filled with luxurious dark stained wood furniture and expensive looking antiques. The butler who answered the door led them to Dr. Vicewren's den where they finally met the man, who was at a computer typing as they came in. He looked rather ordinary – wearing a white polo t-shirt, had a tennis or golf tan, and a common haircut for his almost blonde hair – slightly longish but not too long. His face looked distinguished and handsome and his light blue eyes sparkled when he saw them. So did his perfect white teeth when he smiled.

"Hey! I'm Dr. Vicewren, but you can call me Brendan. I'm not your professor," he said, and shook all of their hands.

"Yeah, but you're going to be teaching us plenty," Dean said. "I hope."

Vicewren laughed. "I may just have what you need. I've been tinkering around several texts and jotting down notes on the computer. Let me explain, take a seat."

Everyone eagerly found a seat in the den on red plush sofas and chairs, and anxiously waited for Vicewren to tell them what they could do to stop Lucifer.

The butler brought drinks on a tray, and Vicewren swished his around so the ice was tinkling in the glass as he started talking. "To take down Lucifer – it's going to take more than just a spell, or a ritual. It's going to take more than chopping off his head or shooting him with a silver bullet."

Huh, Dean thought. The guy sounds like he might have knowledge that is common to a hunter.

"Well, I should hope so," Bobby said. "This is Lucifer we're talking about here. I figure taking him out is going to be like preparing an eight course dinner with all the trimmings compared to a bowl of Top Ramen. And what we usually deal with is the ramen."

"Exactly. But there is more than just elaborate set up involved in the physical world. You must be mentally and spiritually prepared to handle Lucifer. Beating him will take whole new frame of mind. Dean, you've been to hell and back. You have at least some of the mindset necessary to fight a being that came from an eternity of darkness. "

"And what exactly kind of mindset are you talking about?" Dean asked.

"To know the depths of evil, so you can conquer them. So far you are – illiterate – you could say – to their language, their way of thinking."

"This doesn't sound good," Dean said. "I don't like it."

"But Dean – this is one situation where your experience in hell _will _lead to something fruitful. We can turn the excrement of your suffering into the fertilizer that will prove to give birth to a new world."

_Excrement_? Dean thought. Ick. The choice of words was giving Dean the creeps.

"So, what do you mean by we must know the depths of evil? Like know how Lucifer ticks?"

"Precisely." Vicewren smiled. "And I have years of experience living with people who were in regular communication with the Lord of Darkness himself. I have somewhat of an idea of how he ticks. It will take more than just telling you though. I must prepare you. Starting tomorrow morning."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Dean said. "What exactly does this preparation entail?"

"A certain kind of mind training, knowledge I have to share with you, and then I will test you once the training is over, to see if you have been receptive."

"You could get started now. What are we going to do tonight, twiddle our thumbs?" Dean asked.

"Patience, Dean, is one of the lessons you _must _learn to beat Lucifer."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Great. I've been playing the waiting game since this all started. Let's all wait while Lucifer takes over the world. At least we will have learned patience while we burn in his eternal hell."

"Then it won't hurt for you to wait one more day. I need more time to prepare for the morning myself, Dean. In the meantime, my cook is preparing a dinner for all of you, and you can relax before bedtime."

"Sounds good," Bobby said.

Dean looked around. Everyone seemed okay with going ahead with these strange lessons in the morning. He nodded his approval to Vicewren.

Vicewren smiled and asked his butler to show everyone where they would sleep, so they could bring in their bags, and where the TV room was, in case they wanted to unwind.


	13. Chapter 13

Out at the van, Bobby and Sam grabbed their bags and started heading back towards the house. Dean grabbed his two bags, and was going to shut the back of the van when Castiel whispered, "No." Dean gave him a quizzical look and was about to ask him what was up, when Castiel put one finger up to his lips to shush him.

"Just act like were having a conversation a little while longer," Castiel whispered. "Better yet, put your bag down here in the van and pretend you need to look through it."

Dean put the bag down. Castiel waited – Dean wasn't sure for what reason, but he realized Bobby and Sam were back in the house before he spoke again. He also nudged Dean to rummage through his bag.

"Something isn't right, Dean," Castiel said. "I found it peculiar that Zachariah was not able to tamper with our trip to 's at all. Also, did you notice how the interior of the van looked and smelled brand new? This, van however, is several years old. I can tell by looking at the exterior."

Dean was surprised. "You know about cars? You? Castiel?"

"Does the van not look several years old to you?"

Dean looked. "Yeah, you're right. So what are you thinking, Cas?"

Castiel grabbed one of Dean's hunting knives from the already unzipped bag that Dean was about to rummage through. He used it to cut at the carpet of the van's floor. Then he pulled it up.

White symbols were painted on the metal below the carpet. "Angel proofing," Dean said with realization. "Zachariah couldn't tamper with us. No angel could touch this van. They probably got it going on in the house as well."

"Correct. And I am no longer an angel, or I wouldn't have been able to get in."

"Well, maybe Old Vicewren was just thinking ahead. He knew we were having trouble with Zachariah."

"Or maybe he has his own reasons for wanting Zachariah to stay away." Castiel put the carpet back down, put the knife away and zipped up the bag. "I have other reasons to be on guard. I will speak to you more tonight in our room. We need to go back inside as to not raise suspicion."

Somehow, Vicewren had known that Dean and Castiel preferred sleeping together, which creeped Dean out a bit – but he wasn't going to complain, either. Bobby and Sam had each gotten their own rooms, and Dean and Castiel were directed to a room with one bed. They dumped off their stuff and went to the dining room, where Dean could smell steak and potatoes and rolls. He was starving.

Candlelight was on the table and each place was set with fine china and cloth napkins. The cook brought out the meal, and Dean could barely wait to dig in, it smelled so good. Sam and Bobby were eager as well and were already cutting their steaks. Dean took a knife and sliced his into smaller pieces and took a bite.

"MMMM!" Dean said. "This is so good! So juicy and perfect. And the seasoning – what is it? It's different but I like it." Sam and Bobby were nodding in agreement while they chewed.

Vicewren told them it was a special recipe his cook had acquired in the South. He looked delighted that his guests were enjoying it so much.

Except for Castiel, who hadn't even started cutting his steak. "I'm sorry," Castiel said. "I am a vegetarian. I cannot eat this."

Dean raised his eyebrows momentarily in surprise, but then tried to act normal, took another bite of steak. Why was Castiel lying? Dean wondered. He's not a vegetarian, he's been eating Big Macs and whatever else ever since he became human.

Vicewren looked concerned. "My apologies!" He said. "I didn't even think to ask if steak is okay. I am sure the cook can prepare you something less – meaty." The butler went to the kitchen to talk to the chef, and minutes later a returned with a small brown rectangle on a platter.

"It's a gardenburger loaf," the butler explained. "We even put gravy on it, so it wouldn't be dry. Vegetarian gravy."

Castiel thanked him and took the loaf. He ate some and nodded to let Vicewren know it was okay. Dean watched him closely, though, and felt as if Castiel was thinking the food tasted a little odd.

Well, it was vegetarian, Dean thought.

--

After dinner, no one wanted to watch TV, so they talked Vicewren into talking some about his time in the cult. Dean had expected it to be interesting, but realized after awhile that there was a reason this dude was a professor – he like to talk. Dean was having trouble concentrating, feeling as if he were in a long, boring, lecture. Finally, when Vicewren said he needed to be excused for a moment – Dean said he and Castiel were hitting the sack.

Bobby chortled and Sam practically winked at Dean. He wanted to slug them both. But Castiel was jumping up and ready to go upstairs, and Dean felt this rush of emotion and suddenly couldn't wait to get upstairs himself.

Upstairs in their room, candles were lit on the baseboard of the bed and on nearby nightstands. "Geez, they went all classy on us," Dean said.

Dean and Castiel undressed down to shorts and t-shirts for bed. Castiel looked – agitated.

Castiel only explained somewhat. "I am feeling - uncertain about all of this. Do you feel anything strange, Dean?"

"The guy does give off a weird vibe, but I figure it's just him and his cult experience. It made him an odd duck. We need this guy's help," Dean said.

"Do we?" Castiel asked.

"What else are we going to do?" Dean asked. "I'm tired of waiting around. At least this guy has an idea of what to do. Why don't we listen to him tomorrow morning, and we still don't like him, we can leave."

Castiel looked down. He looked uncertain, but agreed.

They got under the thick brown covers and Dean headed straight for Castiel, held him, kissed him passionately, making up for missing out on kissing him earlier in the parking lot, when he really wanted to.

"We're going to be okay, Cas," Dean said, between kisses. "With you here, I feel like I can handle anything."

Dean felt Castiel relax a little and Dean felt like soothing him even more. He started kissing his face, his neck – which was beautiful, sleek and perfect, Dean noted in the candlelight, and even started kissing him on his chest above where the t-shirt collar was. He then practically climbed on top of Castiel, kissing him on the lips hard and deep, rubbing his forehead against Castiel's.

Which sent a shockwave of pleasure down to Dean's groin. "Oh my God, Cas, you're turning me on." He moved to Castiel's ear and whispered, "I've never been with a man before, but when it comes to you, I'm willing to make an exception." Dean let his hand trail down slowly on Castiel's chest and stomach, and was nearly at the lump in Castiel's shorts, when he stopped and asked, "Do you want me to?"

Castiel swallowed loudly and then picked up Dean's hand and removed it from his body. "Dean. Listen. I don't think this is a good time for this," Castiel said.

"Sure it is!" Dean said. "I'm ragingly horny and I can tell you are too, just by looking at your shorts. And we're all alone in this room."

Castiel sounded just like he had when he'd told Dean he couldn't see Sam, in that weird fancy-shmancy room. "No." At least it looked like it pained him to say it, Dean thought.

"Dean, I think they set you and I up for this. They put something in that meat, and even when I asked for something vegetarian, I was served the odd-flavored food."

"Veggie food probably always tastes odd!" Dean exclaimed. Dean reached down and was about to stroke Castiel's erection right through the shorts. "I don't know if I can resist, the desire is so strong."

Castiel jumped out of bed. "Now I'm convinced something is wrong. Their food is affecting you. I feel some of the same thing, but I didn't consume the meat, which was most likely important. They did the next best thing, by seasoning my vegetarian food."

"Castiel, we're just horny! Do you have trouble with us both being men? I thought I was the one who would have trouble with that."

"No, Dean, listen. I think your judgment is impaired, partially by your feelings for me, and partially because of what they fed you. Something _is_ going on here, I am sure of it now. Castiel bent down and pulled up the rug that was under the bed. "Dean, come look at this."

Dean got up and saw what Castiel was looking at. Symbols were drawn on the floor. He walked around the other side of the bed, and pulled up that part of the rug as well. It looked as if a large circle of symbols was surrounding the bed.

"I think they _want_ us to make love on this bed, and it's part of an elaborate ritual. They've set it up. The candles are an unusual scent, the food was unusual, you mentioned the meat was especially juicy, I think it was very recently slaughtered as part of a ritual, Vicewren knew you'd been to hell already – it could have been Bobby who told him, I know – but it just felt very _odd _as he said it. And Bobby – I don't think that's Bobby."

"What?" Dean said. "How can it not be Bobby? He's got a tattoo that protects him from possession."

"Dean, I'm surprised, because you are a hunter. He is most likely a shapeshifter."

"What? Shapeshifters need to change shape often."

"He's only been with us a few days. For all we know, he's changing tomorrow."

"Okay, Cas, look, you can't just jump to conclusions like that about Bobby."

"Yes, I can. Remember how he suddenly couldn't be contacted, and then he had that excuse that he didn't have that spare phone in the glove box? You know that he _never _takes that out of the car, ever. And, he's been rather snide about the closeness of our relationship. I don't think that's the Bobby you really know."

"So you want me to try go and cut him with a silver knife right now?" Dean challenged.

"No, I want you to get Sam, and quietly leave with me, right now. We can't test Bobby, because if it's a shapeshifter, he'll realize we are onto something, and I am quite certain Vicewren is powerful enough to trap us here. We need to just leave. Without Bobby. Cause if we try and leave with him, and it's a shapeshifter in cahoots with Vicewren, he'd try to stop us."

"Oh my God, you want me to just up and leave, we have no transportation, _and _leave Bobby here?"

"It's not Bobby!" Castiel whispered. "I told you Dean, your judgment is impaired. Please, listen to me. Not only does your life and soul depend on it, but the entire world. I believe this is a trap set up by Lucifer himself."

"Oh God," Dean said, looking down. "You could be the shapeshifter. I think the real Castiel would have been dying to have me in the sack. Or, you could just be really paranoid. What the hell am I going to do?"

"Dean," Castiel said firmly, stepping closer to him, getting right in his face. "I want you to think of what the nun told you to do. She said, listen to what _feel_s right, not what you _think_ is right. Now, what feels right, at this moment? And what are you thinking is right?"

Dean sat down and tried to concentrate. "I'm thinking you could be crazy, and I don't like this leaving Bobby behind business. But, my thinking mind would tell me to get you to calm down, get you to stay till morning, wait and see what happens, have some time to think this over – but my feelings – I want to trust you. I'm just not certain though, this feels like jumping to conclusions."

"I told you, I really have a bad feeling about this, and if that isn't the real Bobby, the real Bobby _needs_ us right now. He is in danger."

"Yeah, but if we have the real Bobby, and we ditch him, and Vicewren's the psycho you think he is – I don't think I can live with that!"

"I know, Dean, but I want you to trust me! Please! You must get out of here." Castiel looked down, looked pained and deep and thought for several minutes.

"Dean – if you do not come with me, I will leave without you," Castiel announced. "Now, what are your feelings on what you should do?"

Dean was angry, but he couldn't bear the thought of Castiel out there alone unprotected and without any way to support himself. And shamefully, he couldn't bear the thought of being separated from Castiel either.

Maybe Castiel was right, Dean's judgment was skewed because of his feelings for Cas. Dean hoped that was a good thing. Because it didn't take long to make a decision when he based it on his feelings.

When he listened to his heart, he had to stay with Cas.

Not only that, he had to trust him. He couldn't picture his world right now, not trusting him.

--

I hope this turned out okay I kept rewriting this chapter trying to get it right – hope it make sense!


	14. Chapter 14

_Finally another chapter! Lil warning – Dean gets a bit of a potty-mouth in this chapter, and there is a very small part with some graphic violence described._

--

Castiel asked Dean to sit tight and wait while he went out to the hallway to scope it out. Dean put his clothes back on and made sure everything they needed was in their bags.

Several minutes later, Castiel came back. He looked extremely upset. Before Dean could even ask him what was wrong, the butler barged through the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked.

"What's it to you?" Dean snapped.

Castiel was putting his clothes on in a hurry, but the butler walked over and to him and patted him on the head, as he was bent over to pull up his pants.

"Cas-tiel." He said the name slowly, almost affectionately. "What have they done to you? Oh, that's right, they took your grace."

"You know about that?" Dean said, surprised. "Bobby. Did he tell you?"

The butler ignored Dean and put his hand underneath Castiel's chin and pulled it up. He looked directly into Castiel's eyes. "Don't you recognize me?"

Castiel stared for just a moment, and then slapped the hand off his chin. He nearly hissed the name as he said it – "Lucifer."

"Lucifer!" Dean yelled. "This is fucking Lucifer? The butler?"

The butler walked over to Dean, and as he walked, the man with baggy eyes and white hair transformed – the hair blossomed into color – a dark, chestnut brown, the pale, thin bags underneath the eyes stretched into taut, tan skin, the filmy, light blue eyes deepened into almost a reddish shade of brown, liquid yet piercing, and the nose changed from a red-tipped bulbous thing into a streamlined, handsome nose. Features all over the man changed rapidly until he was looking at an entirely different man by the time he was in front of Dean.

"I like disguises," Lucifer said. "But this is my actual vessel for now – do you like it?"

Dean wanted to spit in Lucifer's face to show him how much he liked it. Not that it wasn't a nice face – Lucifer had chosen a handsome vessel – but because it was _Lucifer_. He scowled and tried to think of something really insulting to say – but Dean found ice cold fear pooling in the pit of his stomach, and was speechless for a moment. Here he was, finally face to face with Lucifer, and all he could think about was that he wasn't ready. He didn't know what to do. Was this the end, right now?

Lucifer laughed. "I'm glad my presence leaves you speechless, I'm touched." He looked over at Castiel, who had finished dressing. "I was going to offer you immortality, Castiel. My fallen brother." Lucifer looked up. "Our _Father_," Lucifer said with distaste and a darkening of his eyes, "Threw us both away. Join me, Castiel, we will be family again. You can help me rebuild a new world, of freedom."

"You gotta be _fucking _kidding me," Dean said. "Go back to hell!"

Lucifer laughed, a deep rich sound. "That isn't nice, Dean, I just spent millenias trying to get back out. But I feel I have you to thank, for getting things started for me – breaking the first seal…" Lucifer slithered up to Dean, a wicked glimmer in his eye. He touched Dean's chin with a long fingernail, and said softly and slowly, "It makes me feel like we've bonded, Dean – almost as if we've been _intimate_," saying the last word with a touch of sensuality, and twisted his fingernail just barely on Dean's chin, until Dean slapped it off.

"Get away from me!" Dean yelled. Not only did he not like Lucifer in the first place, but that odd little touch had felt so creepy and violating. His body shuddered.

"Oh Dean, I will have to give you some time to get used to my special touch. It can be – _overwhelming_ – to those who are not used to me. Tomorrow, Dr. Vicewren will start training you, and, in time, you will be accustomed to my ways." He smiled at Dean and Castiel. "You both are going to become such wonderful soldiers for my army, and Sam too, I really enjoyed watching him blossom recently. Too bad you had to undue all the hard work he'd worked up to, Castiel." He tsked. "But the damage isn't unrepairable, I've got plenty of fresh demon blood to help him get back on track."

"You've got to be an IDIOT," Dean screamed, "To think we'd want anything to do with you or your army." Dean smirked. "I gotta tell you, your confidence is admirable, but you're not getting JACK SHIT out of us!"

By now, Sam had come into the room – he must have heard Dean shout "Lucifer". He stood in the doorway, with the demon knife in his hand, looking as if he was trying to decide the best strategy to up hand Lucifer.

Lucifer saw Dean looking towards the doorway, and turned around. Sam was ready to plunge it into his heart, when Lucifer said, "Don't even bother. I'm like my brother Castiel when it comes to that thing. Won't do a darn thing," he said nonchalantly.

Then he turned back to Dean. "I feel I need to educate you somewhat, Dean. I am _not_ an idiot, and there is the matter of respect that you owe me. Like Castiel, I am an angel."

"A fallen angel, a fucking, filthy demon now," Dean said. "You don't deserve my respect at all."

"Oh, but I still have my grace," Lucifer said, with the slightest chuckle. "I've managed to do something very creative with it. But never mind that for now. It's important that you know that _you will_ perform the little ritual I set up." He reached out to Dean, touched his neck lightly on both sides with his two hands, the actual touch itself was feather light and Dean could barely feel the fingernails pressing against his skin.

But somehow, internally, Dean was feeling intense, searing pain in his neck. It felt like acid in his throat, spreading and eating it away, and simultaneously like something sharp and metallic cutting into every angle of his neck at once – slicing the skin off in layers - the pain was so excruciating that Dean was blinded by it. He was seeing images of his own neck being carved from the inside out, a grisly scene that much too close to the images that had been burned into his mind from hell.

Lucifer's voice was reverberating inside Dean's head as well, at an unearthly volume, deep and throaty and filled with hate. "You and Castiel will perform that ritual for me, in that bed. A fallen angel and the man who broke the first seal in my own personal abode. Spilling your seed together in that bed will complete the first new seal – sealing me into an eternity of rule on Earth. THE HATED FATHER WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STOP ME!" Lucifer's scream pierced Dean's ears like knives. "There are only a few seals to open, like a row of budding flowers, and then my reign on Earth will be complete. And eternal."

Dean was still blinded by the pain that was scalding, cutting, and tearing him apart, and the only sound he could hear was Lucifer's voice, all-encompassing and unbearable to listen to like a wail of intense suffering - but Dean couldn't close his ears. "If you do not go through with the ritual in this bed, your erections will continue, and you will both die within 24 hours, an excruciating death that begins with pain in those erections that continue to spread throughout your bodies, and it will feel exactly like this sensation you are having in your neck. Just picture, Dean, this pain _down there_. I am doing you a favor by giving you an example in your neck instead."

"If either of you try to relieve yourself away from this bed, you will die the same excruciating death, except sooner than in 24 hours." Lucifer was pulling away, and light was flowing into Dean's eyes – he had to blink away the brightness for a moment. He saw Lucifer's face form in front of him, the gruesome slideshow of hellish images fading away.

Dean shook his head as a reflex and noticed Castiel and Sam seemed to be frozen in place, but were – thawing out? now. Perhaps Lucifer had stopped time, Dean thought.

"If you decide to run away to your deaths – I have other ways of opening my seals, rest assured. It's just preferable to have this one be one of them. You can choose to live or die, Dean, it does not matter much to me. If you chose to die at least you will be out of my way. But if you choose to live, you will give your precious Castiel immortality, and I will make sure you get a special place in my kingdom. Sam as well. And to top it all off," he said smiling, "I guarantee the pleasure of your release in this bed will be the most incredible, sensual experience you could ever have. Just as a bonus for being good."

Dean rolled his eyes, and then looked at Sam, and felt a compelling punch of affection for his little brother, right in the heart, and looked at Castiel, and his heart swelled with affection again, with hope and curiosity and a fierce desire to protect the broken angel. And Dean thought of Bobby, wondering where he really was, the old codger, who was also one of the most important people in Dean's life.

He thought about how he didn't want to die an excruciating death and didn't want Castiel – who was now mortal – to go through that death, not at all. Castiel probably knew _nothing _of the kind of pain Lucifer had just shown him, and Dean wanted to make sure he never did.

And then Dean looked back at Lucifer, who was looking at him expectantly, and realized he didn't want to do _anything_, not a thing, on Lucifer's terms.

"Sam, Cas, pack up," Dean said. "We're leaving."


	15. Chapter 15

"A waste of such good potential," Lucifer said. "Well, enjoy your death," he said nonchalantly. "I did make sure it would be especially painful for you Dean, to help remind you of your good times in hell."

Dean picked up his gear and headed out the door, Sam and Castiel followed quietly. Dean stopped in Bobby's room, thought, hell, now that everyone knows we're leaving, might as well make sure it's not Bobby for peace of mind. One quick look told Dean that this wasn't Bobby – and it was eerie to see Bobby's face get such a malicious look of hate on it, and the tell-tale glimmer in the eyes that shapeshifters have. Dean slammed the door and ran down the stairs.

Once they were outside and completely off of Vicewren's yard, walking on the frosty sidewalk at the corner of the block, Sam stopped, and shouted, "Dean, what are you doing? You and Castiel are going to die now. Maybe you should have just done what he wanted, and then escaped after that. It's just one seal. We could still stop him from opening others."

"Leave it to Sam to always do it the _demon's_ way," Dean said, stopping as well. "Ruby wants you to drink her blood, _sure Ruby, whatever you say_! Ruby wants you to start killing demons, _sure Ruby, whatever you say!_ Ruby wants you to kill Lilith so Lucifer can break free, _sure, Ruby, whatever you say!_ Lucifer wants Cas and I to do the dirty deed in his bed, Sam says, _sure Lucifer, whatever you say!_"

"That isn't what this is about, Dean!" Sam yelled. "I'm talking about saving your life, and Castiel's life. I don't want to see you die Dean. I've seen you die more times than I can count." Sam took a deep breath, weary from the thoughts that plagued him. "No more Dean. I don't want you to die anymore. Please."

"I'm not dying. We'll figure something out. I just won't be improving Lucifer's score in the meanwhile." Dean started walking again.

"Dean, how do we know there's another way?" Sam asked. "We've only got 24 hours left! We need to do whatever it takes to keep you alive, Dean. Doing this one thing probably won't be that big of a deal."

"Yeah, is that what you told yourself when Ruby started telling you to use your powers when the angels said don't do it? _It probably won't be that big of a deal? _Well the problem kept growing, Sam! Look where things ended up. With each step you took in the wrong direction, things didn't stop. They compounded. We've got to stop this somewhere, this demon ass-kissing. And I say it stops, right here, right now."

Castiel looked over to Sam. "Dean's right, Sam," he said softly. "We have to do what Dean thinks is best. Remember the nun's advice?"

"Exactly," Dean said. "She said I gotta have faith. Well, I'm going on faith that something is gonna pull us through this. And to do what feels best. Well, sticking around with _Lucifer_ feels so wrong I can't even describe it."

They were all walking again now. The streetlamp above faintly lit their path, and Dean could see ice crystals glimmering on the sidewalk. He didn't want to slip, so walked at a slow pace. Sam was on his left, Castiel was on his right. He reminded Castiel to walk slowly and carefully. He didn't know if Cas knew about slippery sidewalks.

Sam reluctantly agreed that Dean was right, and then asked about their destination. And a plan. If there was one.

"I don't know, a motel, maybe?" Dean said. He reached down to scratch himself, and then realized afterwards he wasn't scratching himself, he was stroking himself, because that erection Lucifer's weird dinner had given him was still there. Just the one scratch felt like a siren call, an unbearable, delicious aching for another stroke, and it took all his willpower to not touch himself again. Sam noticed though and asked, "What are you going to do about that? You must be really horny."

"Oh, you have no _idea_, Dean said. He looked over at Castiel. "What about you? You horny?"

Castiel looked down, and looked back up. "I still have an erection. So, I guess so."

"Are you dying to touch it?" _God_, Dean thought. _I can't believe I'm talking to Cas about sex stuff with my brother right here._ _Thanks a lot, Lucifer. You sure know how to get your jollies off._

"I think…it's dying for you to touch it, Dean," Castiel said with simple honesty.

"Oh geez. Sam, give us a moment, okay?" he pulled Castiel over to the side, away from Sam, so that they were standing on some grass. "Hey Cas, none of that talk in front of my brother okay? That's private stuff. Besides, you just made my hard-on a million times worse cause it turned me on even more to hear you say that!" he whispered in his ear. "And we can't act on it, cause we'll die. You know that. We're going to have to figure out a way to get rid of this without relieving ourselves. We probably won't be able to sleep together, and whatever you do, don't jack off, okay?"

"I know, Dean, I heard him. I think I have more willpower than you do. It is you I am worried about, Dean. Will _you _be able to keep from relieving yourself?"

"I'm going to try," Dean said. They went back over to Sam. Castiel mentioned he saw a church up the street when they had driven by, and thought maybe there was a rectory next to it, housing a priest. Castiel wanted to talk to the priest. If he was as devout as the nun had been, maybe speaking to him would be helpful. Dean decided it sounded good, even though it was 1am. Certain things called for emergency wake-ups, and the hard-on that was literally _from hell _and that was going to _kill him_ was most certainly an emergency.

However, Sam brought up a good point. Showing up and exclaiming that they were super-horny thanks to Lucifer and that they were going to die an excruciating death that started with their dicks exploding would probably get them a fast trip to jail.

"Thanks, Sam for that visual, by the way, it really helps me to feel better," Dean said.

Castiel said, "Dean, let me take care of it. We don't need to speak of things that will make us look unsound."

The church wasn't far, and they could tell with the streetlamp that it was painted white. It had a tiny steeple that poked up at the dark sky, and a small building right next to it with a sign that said Rectory – Father O'Brian.

Dean pounded on the door, loud, for two reasons – the first that he wanted to make sure he woke the priest up, and the second was, his hard-on was making him extremely irritable.

A few minutes later, a man with a chalky complexion and a round face and wild silver hair opened the door. "May I help you?" He asked.

Castiel explained that they needed a place to sleep for just the night, that they were down on their luck and that Dean's car was far away from here, and they also wanted a chance to pray with the priest so that they could know what path the Lord had chosen for them, explaining they were lost both physically and in spirit.

The man's eyes showed compassion. "Come in, then, the Lord must have guided you to me. Come in and get warm, and get some sleep. I've got a couch, and a couple of extra cots in the closet, just for times like these."

Dean felt a swell of gratitude. This was better than he had hoped for. Castiel sure knew what he was doing. They all stepped inside the small rectory.

Father O'Brian introduced himself, and shook all their hands, wanting their names. Castiel remembered to say 'Cas', and Father O'Brian paused a moment, and patted the top of Castiel's hand. "There's something about you, Cas," he said, "But I am too tired to figure it out now. Is it okay if we do our prayers in the morning?"

Dean and Castiel both were reassuring the man that morning was fine, as long as it was as early as possible. The priest seemed surprised, but didn't argue with it.

Dean wanted Castiel to have a cot. They were the kind that actually had springs and tiny mattresses, so it was closer to a real bed than the couch.

And Dean insisted that Castiel's cot was on the other side of the room Dean's. With Sam in between them on the couch. He didn't want to risk that either one of them would get up in their sleep take care of business. He also had Sam handcuff both of Dean's hands to the springs underneath the mattress – the reason why Dean had to have a cot, he was going to offer to use the couch first until he realized how dangerous it could be to have his hands free in his sleep. Handcuffs were part of their gear in the heavy weapon's bag they've toted along, thank goodness.

But before Dean would let Sam cuff him for the night, Dean went over to Castiel and kissed him on the forehead. "Goodnight, Cas," he whispered. "I hope you can sleep without me."

Dean went over to his cot, hoping they would both be around this same time tomorrow. It was a scary feeling, not knowing. He hoped it wasn't the last kiss he would be giving Castiel. He hoped a lot of things, before he finally fell asleep.

.


	16. Chapter 16

Fleeting images of an arousing nature passed through Dean's mind, but they were faded and quite often a curtain or screen was pulled in front of the image quickly – as if Dean were trying to get a closer peek at the images, which he felt he had every right to look at, they were his damn memories – of women he'd bedded with. Flashes of what he had liked best about each woman – from the mundane type of trait such as glossy, straight hair, to the more erotic concerning her intimate parts, surfaced to the edge of his mind and then faded out behind the curtain, leaving him disappointed and anxious to focus in on each of the passing pictures.

Images of Castiel passed through his mind also, but they were so brief, it was if it never really happened, and he only had the memory that he'd seen something about Castiel, like his profile, his hair, his deeply probing eyes. Dean longed for these images to stay with him more than the others, but they felt more vague and he wasn't certain he'd really seen Castiel at all.

Dean woke up, tried to sit straight up in the cot, his heart pounding in fear. Instantly his first thought was he'd forgotten all about wet dreams, and was terrified he'd had one. The next thought was that he was alive, and that it hadn't happened. He still felt horny, but he was alive. After indulging in a brief moment of relief, he instantly was worried about Castiel. He couldn't see Castiel on his cot, the couch was in the way, and Dean was still handcuffed to his own cot. He had barely moved an inch and his wrists ached from the attempt to yank himself upward.

"Cas! Cas!" Dean called out. "Are you alive! Wake up!"

Dean heard some rustling of springs, and then Castiel's groggy voice: "I'm here."

Relief flooded through Dean. "Cas, come unlock me, please."

Castiel unlocked the handcuffs, and Dean wondered what it was about the dreams that kept him from getting completely aroused. Something had kept blocking the images in his mind. He was pretty sure it had saved his life.

"If you had listened to me, Dean, you wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place," someone was saying from behind him. "And, you're welcome, although I'll have to say it wasn't out of the goodness of my heart. You need to stay alive, Dean."

Dean turned around. "Zachariah? You blocked my dreams from…"

"Lucifer was trying to affect your dreams, and I did my best to keep them from killing you. I must say, he has a pretty nasty sense of humor. But…it inspired me to have a sense of humor of my own. Besides, you need to be taught a lesson."

Zachariah stepped up closer to Dean, sat down on the cot next to him. "We're wasting time, Dean," Zachariah said sharply. "I don't want to have to keep picking up after your mistakes like a child who can't pick up his own toys. If you want to defeat Lucifer, you need to obey the angels. To remind you of this, I'm not going to heal either of you of these ridiculous killer erections until time is almost up. Hopefully the misery is enough to set you on the straight and narrow path."

"What the hell am I, your puppet?" Dean shouted. "You, you do all these things just to force me to go a certain way. The flat tires. Now this. Why the hell do you need _me _to be the one to go this way and that way, and to kill Lucifer? Why don't you just go kill him yourself, Zach? Go all out. You've got more almighty power anyway. I'm just a mere man."

"Don't question the way God wants things done, mere mortal," Zachariah said. "You've already been told, YOU must be the one to stop Lucifer. Don't question it. Questioning it won't change it." Zachariah looked down for a moment. "Anyway, I must say you did use some wisdom when you left without giving Lucifer what he wanted, despite the fact that it could mean your death. Atta boy!" He patted Dean on the shoulder. "Better late than never, I guess, for coming to your senses."

"Actually, I can't express how important it was that you stopped his ritual in its tracks," Zachariah continued. "Lucifer _needs _his little rituals to be successful. Keep that in mind, when you're not sure what to do," Zachariah said. He stood up, and leaned around so he could see Castiel, who was sitting on the other side of Dean. "And I'm impressed. Castiel, usually your feelings for Dean cloud your judgment. This time, you were thinking clearly and saved both of your lives."

"Yeah, well, he deserves a lot more credit than you're willing to give him," Dean said. "He cares more for humankind and your Almighty God than you ever will, Zach."

Zachariah roared with laughter. "Oh Dean. Sometimes I'm frustrated such a…_child _as yourself is the one that has to fulfill the prophesy. But then, it sure can be a kick in the pants!" He jabbed Dean's shoulder. "You're lucky this time, Dean. Lucifer needs his rituals, but I do not, to undo this spell he cast on you."

"However, don't use that as an excuse to do whatever you damn please. Use common sense. Be wise. I can't undo some of Lucifer's rituals if you dig yourself too deep into them. That's one reason why they are so important to him."

"So what are we supposed to do now?" Dean asked. "Tell me how to stop Lucifer. You want me to do what _you_ want so badly, _tell_ me what to do!"

"Dean, can I tell you how to have faith? No. You have to come to it on your own. Sorry, but this thing with Lucifer is the same deal. Have faith Dean. See you later."

Zachariah disappeared. Dean looked behind him and noticed Sam had slept through the whole thing. Probably not an accident.

"Dean, do you really want to do what Zachariah wants you to do?" Castiel asked.

"No, but I was still hoping that he'd tell me how to stop Lucifer. I hate this not knowing what to do."

"Zachariah's right on that point, faith will get you far. I believe it saved our lives, because you chose to leave Vicewren's house rather than stay."

"I don't like this," Dean said. "I feel like I'm being forced into Bible camp or something. I'm not religious. Yeah, I made a decision where I had to lean on faith. But that's not _me. _I'm used to a certain way of doing things. Rituals, instructions. Great, now I sound like Lucifer."

Castiel gave Dean a look of understanding. "You are not necessarily straying from your normal way of doing things, Dean. What is _you_ is saving people, hunting things. You're still doing that, Dean. You're still saving people, and this time you're saving a lot of people. And you're still hunting things. You're hunting Lucifer, the ultimate villain. Call it an extreme example, your regular life put into movie-size proportions. There's a reason you were chosen for this, Dean, and it's not to convert you into a devout, religious person. Besides, you don't always follow instructions. You like to do what feels right. It's the reason you insisted I take you to Sam and Lilith."

"If it makes you feel better," Castiel continued, "think of going on faith at times as part of the instructions you were given by the nun."

"Hmmm. Let me chew on that one awhile. Thanks Cas. I think it's cool that you understand me so well." He smiled at him. "But right now, I'm really worried about Bobby. We need to find him, and soon."

Sam was waking up, and Father O'Brian was coming out of his room. Tufts of uncombed hair curled around his ears like fluffy balls of cotton. Silver-rimmed glasses now covered his face. He looked concerned. Dean wondered how much of the conversation he had heard.

Father O'Brian seemed to have heard nothing. He asked the men if they wanted to tell him about their situation, so that he could see if he could help. Castiel explained vaguely that they were misled to this area, and where Dean's car was, and that it was imperative that they get back to it immediately. He asked if there was a bus station in town.

Father O'Brian's face lit up, and he stood up without saying anything, went to his room, and returned to the living room with paper in his hand.

"I can't believe this. Well, maybe I can. Miracles do happen," he said.

They asked him what he was talking about, and he handed the papers to Dean. "A family – a father, mother, and brother, were going to take the bus to that same exact town you mentioned – Besadas Grove – to pick up a runaway, the sister, a troubled teen. Something happened and she came home through help from someone. Anyway, the family gave me the tickets, even though they couldn't imagine why anyone else I would know would suddenly need tickets to this small town."

"You gotta be kidding me," Dean said. "Not only bus tickets to the exact town we need to go to, but three of them. This is too good to be true! I mean, we would have just charged tickets to my credit card, but this almost makes me feel like maybe the big man upstairs is looking after us!" Dean took the tickets gratefully.

Sam was in awe too. But he still looked concerned. "Dean, what about – you know, your little problem?"

"You're not going to believe this, but Zach dropped in and helped us out. It should be cleared up by tonight."

Father O'Brian looked puzzled that someone name Zach knew to find these men here at the rectory. But he didn't ask questions. Instead, he looked at Castiel.

"Like I said last night, there is something about you Cas. But I can't put my finger on it. You almost – glow. Like you have a light. That probably doesn't make any sense. It's not something I can see with my eyes, but with my heart. I also get the sense your 'light', whatever it is, is beyond your reach, at the moment, and it's troubling you."

"Is it something he can get back?" Dean asked eagerly. This dude must be talking about Castiel's grace, whether he realizes it or not.

Father O'Brian didn't look surprised that Dean knew Castiel had something special about him. He just looked thoughtfully at Castiel. "Hmmm. The only thing that is coming to my mind is that old cliché about every cloud has a silver lining. Your light, whatever it is, and honestly, I can't imagine…" Father O'Brian trailed off. He looked down. He looked back up with wonder on his face. "You're an angel of the Lord," he said softly.

"You are correct," Castiel said.

Father O'Brian reached out and took Castiel's hand. "I'm face to face with an angel of the Lord," he said, in awe. "An angel's light shines like no other," he said slowly, as if he were reciting from memory. Then he stepped back, retreated to his room again, and came out with a piece of paper.

"I wrote a poem, years and years ago, when I was in seminary. I've kept it in my Bible all these years." He unfolded the lined paper and cleared his throat. "Mind you," he said, "I'm not a brilliant poet. But this came to my mind one night as I was praying, so I wrote it down."

He read: "An angel's light shines like no other. Multi-faceted and etched into every known plane in the heavens and the earth, its brilliance can know no death, no darkness befall it. Where can an eternal light hide, when its very existence eliminates all shadows?"

"If an angel's light is obscured from view, it peeks out from the edges like the silver lining of a cloud. Look to that light, and once again, it covers ever corner of this world with its gleaming, as if the cloud had never existed."

"It's not really even a poem," the kindly old man said as he folded the paper. "But does it relate to your situation, Cas?"

"Castiel."

"Castiel," Father O'Brian repeated. "I'm really in the presence of an angel of the Lord," he said, looking over Castiel carefully, studying his face, and meeting his depthless eyes. "How, how can I express how this makes me feel? I am humbled."

"I'm not sure if this relates to Cas or not," Dean said. "He's not just in some vessel. His grace was taken away from him. He's lost his angelhood. He's mortal now."

"No. No I don't believe that," Father O'Brian said. "I can feel his grace, his light. It's peeking out somehow, like that silver lining behind a cloud. Keep looking for it Castiel, and I believe it will shine brilliantly again."

"So, is he not in any real danger?" Dean asked. "Is he still immortal?"

Father O'Brian frowned. "Something tells me we are all in danger. Something evil…Be careful, Castiel, be careful, all of you. If you are in mortal form now, there is a threat to you…I would just say, in all practicality, don't give up hope. It's almost as if I feel like the whole world is counting on this light of yours. It's important."

Father O'Brian gave them his phone number, hoping they would keep in touch with him. He said a solemn prayer for their safety and success in their journey. They thanked him and then headed out towards the Greyhound station.

--

Author's note: I'm writing this for you, dear readers! I hope I didn't scare you off with the whole killer erection bit, and I really didn't plan on it at all, it just sort of happened. Anyway, I hope I'm still keeping the readers entertained, and haven't disappointed.


	17. Chapter 17

The rest of the day for Dean felt like holding his breath and walking on thin ice at the same time. Riding on the bus, every bump felt like a pleasurable stroke, or at least brought on even more longing for one. He was grateful that there had been no way for him to sit next to Castiel, because Dean didn't think he'd be able to resist leaning forward and acting out on the numerous fantasies that were parading through his mind. Even to just kiss him, Dean felt it could release some of the longing, but he knew that wouldn't be wise, besides the fact he was on the bus, he had to wait till tonight before he ceased to be a ticking time bomb.

Later in the afternoon, his aching for sensual stimulation turned into weariness and even repulsion, like he'd been watching the same commercial on TV over and over. He was getting to the point where he'd be happy to be a celibate monk. Thinking about sex this often without any kind of release at all was tiring and too frustrating. He stopped wishing he could touch Castiel in intimate ways, and started wishing that he could have just one day where he didn't think of sex at all.

Finally, long after the sky had darkened and the bus interior glowed with a comfort that didn't reach Dean's heart, Dean fell asleep when the images in his mind were finally getting fuzzier and some empty stretches reached his consciousness and pulled him into a restful slumber.

Dean dreamed of Castiel, but he had no flesh to tempt Dean with. He was a being of light, glowing with a spectrum Dean's eyes ordinarily couldn't see, it spread to every possible corner and left no shadows. All Dean saw was brilliant white. He felt comforted and surrounded by Castiel in every direction, it was a very peaceful sleep.

--

Dean woke up and saw green fields rushing past him out the window beyond the man he was sitting next to. He blinked his eyes and shook his head, then looked downward even though he could already tell that he was no longer aroused and limp as a wilted dandelion.

A smile burst on his face. Who would have thought that Dean Winchester not being horny would feel like such a triumph? He looked over to Castiel who had gained a window seat during the night across the aisle and several seats ahead of Dean's. He was leaning against the glass, probably still asleep.

Dean wanted to relax, but horrible visions swept through his mind, of Castiel having a bloodied lap and his face contorted from unbearable pain. He jumped up and rushed over to Castiel's seat, and blew out a lungful of held breath once he realized that Castiel's chest was rising and falling as light as a feather. His face looked peaceful and angelic. The seat next to him was empty, Dean sat down and fought the temptation to lean up against him and fall back to sleep. He was so grateful Castiel was alive, he was soon content to just sit next to him and wait for him to wake up.

The kid in the seat in front of them was turned around and staring at Dean, probably wondering why Dean had rushed over to Castiel so urgently, and the man sitting next to the boy was looking too, as were the two old ladies in the seat across the aisle.

Feeling pressure to come up with an explanation, he said, "What? I thought I'd forgotten to remind him about his medication, but he's okay." He shrugged.

People turned away, and Castiel was stirring from the sound of Dean's voice. Blue eyes fluttered to life, and sought Dean out. An silent exchange of relief and gratitude were spoken between them, and Dean slugged Castiel in the shoulder, a way to tide himself over till he could press himself completely against the gorgeous vision before him.

Funny how the world was ending, and Dean was making confirmations in his mind that he would be holding Castiel tight later that evening. Lucifer may let it rain fire and brimstone, have the very foundation of the Earth crack apart, but Dean wouldn't allow that to stop him from drifting off to sleep in Castiel's arms.

Dean and Castiel didn't speak much for the rest of the bus ride – there was an unspoken agreement that neither of them would feel comfortable discussing the matter at hand with an audience, other than a few ideas on how to find Bobby. Castiel wanted to head back towards the mountains.

--

"Baby, did you miss me?" Dean asked his car, stroking the hood all the way to the windshield. He gripped the door eagerly and climbed in, started the engine and as soon as everyone had found a seat and shut the doors, took off.

"I can't reach Bobby on his cell," Sam said. "Soon as we get to the motel and I can connect to the internet, I'm GPSing him."

"Sounds good," Dean said, feeling guilty that he hadn't realized all along that Bobby hadn't been with them. He needed to be more alert than that. Bobby could be hurt or dead, and Dean had been – too focused on Castiel to notice Bobby was a damn shapeshifter. Dean didn't think that would have gotten past him ordinarily.

The thought punched him in the gut as he drove along. Should he ease up on how close he was getting to Castiel?

_Fuck_. He realized what he'd just thought. _What _exactly was happening between him and Castiel? He hadn't bothered to analyze these emotions that had been building up inside him, and now that he was looking at them, they scared him. _Dean Winchester is crazy about a MAN_, he thought. He suddenly felt weird, embarrassed. He also felt torn between wanting to have a better head on his shoulders, and not being so damn _gay_, yet also feeling like he didn't want to fight this at all.

Where was all this turmoil coming from? Probably because he never fought these feelings he was having, and he normally Dean Winchester would have slapped any thoughts of gayness into last Tuesday, forced them down and never let them see the light again. And now, he'd been distracted and felt responsible for what had happened to Bobby – whatever that was.

But he looked over at Castiel and whatever turmoil that wanted to keep Dean stirred up and uncertain or stop feeling things for Castiel were silenced in an instant, he couldn't look at the former angel and _not _have what he was feeling well up inside him. Quietude hit him and he remembered that despite his recently getting close to falling into Lucifer's trap, Castiel had kept a level head, and gotten them out of there alive. And stopped the ritual. Maybe that's how it would be, they'd have each other's backs. Maybe Dean should just try to stay focused from here on out, find Bobby, and not worry about what was going on with him and Cas, cause that wouldn't help either.

Then Dean did a surprising thing, at least he was surprised at himself, but he felt so much like doing it, he just did it. He reached out and held on to Castiel's hand, even with Sam there in the backseat. God, it felt so good, that simple connection, the warmth of Castiel's hand flowed like an elixir through the rest of Dean's body. It had been too long since he'd been able to hold Castiel close. He squeezed Castiel's hand and thought longingly both of bedtime tonight and finding Bobby.


	18. Chapter 18

Walking into the motel room that night felt like coming home to Dean, even though he'd never seen this particular motel before and probably never would again. He'd driven as far as he could stand to – eager to reach Bobby as soon as possible. Now that they were at the motel, Sam set up his laptop and zeroed in on where Bobby's cell phone was.

"Well, I can tell the last city he was in – Ellensburg, Washington, and he was in the Wenatchee Mountains north of there, but he's not there now," Sam said. He told them the date of when Bobby had been in Ellensburg, and Castiel said that was two days after the dream he had given Bobby.

"I told him to meet us at the Cascade Mountain range that is north of the Wenatchee Mountains," Castiel said. "Maybe he's there. It's a high elevation and probably there is no cell phone signal there.

"I wonder why he didn't just leave when he didn't see us there?" Dean said. But nobody said anything, they didn't want to think about Bobby being hurt or worse, even though that was a very likely possibility.

"I just thought of something," Dean said. "I wonder if Lucifer really thinks we are dead?"

"He probably has a way of finding out," Castiel said. "We need to watch out for his trickery."

"I wish I could have taken care of him right there," Dean said. "I finally came face to face with the bastard, and I had to run away like a dog with his tail between the legs."

"It was the wise thing to do," Castiel said solemnly. "This battle with Lucifer won't be a one-time showdown. It's going to be more like a slow game of chess. You've actually made step in the right direction with beating Lucifer. You should be congratulating yourself, rather than putting yourself down."

"Kind of like having your Queen retreat because she's the most important piece and you don't want her to be vulnerable," Sam said.

"Exactly," Castiel said. "Dean, there will be times when you have to stand and fight. Let's hope we find Bobby and that he's safe, and he can help us with the preparation."

It was late and everyone got ready for bed. Nothing had to be said anymore that Dean and Castiel would be sharing a bed. Dean didn't care that Sam was in the next bed, he was grateful actually that Sam now knew about Dean and Cas being and 'item' as he had put it, because now he didn't need to hesitate on pulling Castiel right up against his chest and wrapping his arms around him.

Dean's chest felt a rush of pleasure, and he suppressed a moan, feeling that would be going too far with Sam in the room. He nuzzled his head up against Castiel's face, and then couldn't help but let out a soft sigh. It felt heavenly to have Castiel back in his arms again.

"You guys better not end up doing the wild thing with me in the room," Sam shouted.

"Hell, no," Dean said. "I wouldn't do that, besides, after the last couple of days the last thing I want to think about is sex. But…"

"What?" Sam said.

"I was wondering if you'd be willing to listen to your iPod tonight, just for tonight, so Cas and I can have a private conversation? Please? We went through a lot the last couple of days and I'd like to talk to Cas about it, alone."

"Yeah, sure," Sam said, getting up. "But just for tonight. You guys are going to have to deal with the fact that I'm always going to be in the room." He rustled through his bag in the dark. "I'm turning it up loud. I don't want to hear your sweet nothings. Night, guys."

"Goodnight, Sam," Dean and Castiel said together.

Some sort of RB tune started up, muffled to Dean's ears, and he knew it was safe to talk to Castiel.

But his lips only wanted to do one thing first – they sought Castiel's in the dark and gave him a long, deep kiss, loving the feel of Castiel's bristly stubble that framed Castiel's lips, and the softness too of Castiel's lips against Dean's. Castiel kissed back just as eagerly, and damn, he tasted good! He ran his fingers through Castiel's sweaty hair and continued kissing him for a good fifteen minutes, just enjoying the closeness, the taste, and the rush it was giving him. He gently probed and licked Castiel's tongue occasionally, and Castiel was meeting and returning those licks back perfectly, a dance of sensations that felt like heaven on Earth. If it hadn't been for the last couple days, he would be turned on something fierce by this. But Dean was grateful that his privates weren't ballooning up – he still had it set in his subconscious that erection = death.

In a way, it was nice to feel these kisses without the distraction of his consciousness flooding entirely to his lower regions. He felt the kissing more than he ever had kissing someone in his life. He also realized he'd never met such a good kisser in his life – or was it just different this time because he wasn't paying attention to his dick for once? No, Dean was convinced that somehow he and Castiel fell into place perfectly, because that's just how it felt, not just with the kissing, but deep within his soul.

Finally he pulled away and spoke to Castiel quietly – even though Sam had his earphones on. "Cas, how did you do during that whole forced hard-on thing? God, I was so worried about you. I mean, I have no idea what it was like for you, since you're not used to being human, but I can tell you, it wasn't easy for me." Dean knew it was an awkward subject, but he had to make sure Castiel wasn't overwhelmed by the whole situation. Or completely turned off by sex.

What if he was? Dean wondered. Dean didn't feel too worried about it, he really just felt the need to make sure Cas was alright. But he was curious, and had hopes that there were no permanent negative effects.

"It was an experience in learning a lot more about the carnal nature of a human being in an intense and short session," Castiel said. "I am grateful for your concern, but really, I was alright."

"Cas." Dean said rather breathily. He found Castiel's hand in the dark and intertwined their fingers. He couldn't believe where he was heading – he was desperate to make the moment more intimate, without actually having sex. He – Dean Winchester – wanted a chick-flick moment. What was happening to him?

It was if the real Dean Winchester were running alongside him, yelling out, "Stop it, you're sharing and caring, dude, that's for _girls!" _

But Dean ignored his regular self, because the way he felt right now, pressed up against Castiel's chest once again, after several days of doing without, felt so good – and he wanted to know more about Castiel. He wanted to feel as close to Castiel as he could. And the protective part of him just had to make sure Cas was okay. Well, he just said he was okay. Dean felt the need to protect him anyway. That was the language of Dean's heart – protecting and looking after the ones he loved.

"Cas, tell me more. Tell me something. What kind of thoughts did it give you?" Dean remembered Castiel's innocent comment about how his erection wanted Dean to touch it. Dean also remembered Castiel – who had no knowledge of the dynamics of human relationships and communication – had innocently just said what was in his heart – that he wanted to touch Dean and be touched by him. Both had made Dean melt. In a way, it reminded Dean of himself, just cutting to the chase, not hemming and hawing talking and getting all girly – even though these feelings of his sure felt girly. Oh well, Dean thought, Lucifer was out, the world was turning upside down, there were worse things that could be happening to Dean at the moment.

"I…" Castiel trailed off. Was he embarrassed? Not sure what to say? "It would make me really happy if you told me, Cas. Please."

"In that case, Dean, I will tell you. At first it felt like an odd nuisance. This body had experienced erections before, it was a normal part of the male physiology for them to show up, especially in the mornings. I didn't give them much thought. They were a curious sensation, but not much more than that. As an angel – I just had no interest in such matters."

"But then it was forced to continue on without deflating as it usually does. My mind became a show where my deep feelings of affection for you became intertwined with vivid pictures of you naked, and myself naked, and, well, us having sex. Different kinds of sex. And really, really wanting to be able to do those things with you Dean. I suppose this is something human beings experience ordinarily? I would have to say, I'm no longer feeling like I have no interest in such matters. Quite the opposite. I wouldn't suggest it now, with Sam in the room, and after what you've been through recently, but I'm hoping someday in the future – am I saying too much?"

Dean kissed him. "No, beautiful. Now I can thank Lucifer for making you all horny and wanting to have sex with me." Dean busted up laughing. When he looked back at the whole situation, it was quite ludicrous, and something good did come out of it, Castiel gained an appreciation for sex, and Dean couldn't wait to find out what exactly had crossed Castiel's mind – but that was just too personal a topic to discuss with Sam in the room, even with his headphones on.

"I thought of you too," Dean said. "Sorry I got pushy that night at Vicewren's house. I don't want you to think I'm normally like that."

"No need to apologize, Dean. You were influenced by their food and the ritual. And just so you know, I doubt you would ever have to push me on such matters. That night, the timing was terrible, but if we were alone, somewhere safe – I would only be too happy to please you, Dean. You have no idea how much I would _love _to please you, Dean."

"Um…wow. You're making me want to get our own room sometime, pretty darn quick!" Dean said. "And I meant what I said before, normally, the thought of doing it with a man just wouldn't even cross my mind, but when it comes to you, it feels different. It feels right."

"It pleases me very much to hear that," Castiel said, and snuggled his head into the crook of Dean's neck. Dean soaked in how good it felt again, and wondered, how far was this going to go? The world could be ending. Would both he and Castiel survive through the whole thing? If Castiel got his grace back, would this relationship between them be over with? Dean realized that could happen. But he didn't want to worry about it now, what was going on right felt too good. Later, he would deal with it, and he wouldn't let his feelings for Castiel get in the way of getting his grace back for him. He promised, and that was the way Dean Winchester did things, he looked out for the people in his life, put their needs in front of Dean's.

"Goodnight Cas," Dean said with one last kiss. "Let's hope we find Bobby real soon."

Author's note: Hi readers! Could you guys tell me if this story is getting beyond the T rating I wanted it to be when I first started writing this story? I can't tell. I'm trying to keep it tame but I realize I use certain words about sex… should this be rated M instead? Less people will see it if it's M, but hey if it needs to be, it needs to be. Then if I put it up to M, I'm not sure what the limits are there either here at FFN, but I'd be sorely tempted whether I change it to M or not to write a NC-17 chapter that would be "optional reading" with a link over to it at LJ. I'm thinking that still isn't allowed here. (Still haven't decided on this yet…just an idea)

And feedback is LOVE I would love to hear from people if I am still keeping their interest from way back when, or if you're new and sticking to it, or whatever! Thanks for reading!


	19. Chapter 19

The next morning, as they were all heading towards Washington state, Sam called every contact of Bobby's that they could think of, and nobody had heard from Bobby in over a week.

"So why these mountains in Washington, Castiel?" Sam asked. "You haven't told us yet."

"I'd like to explain that when we get there," Castiel said.

"Why?" both Dean and Sam wanted to know.

Castiel only looked upward and then completely downward, meeting Sam's eyes afterwards. Sam was in the front seat with Dean this time. Sam still looked confused, and Castiel said, "Remember when I asked you not to ask me how I was protecting you?"

"Oh, okay," Sam said. "Hey Cas, where could Zachariah be holding your grace?"

"It is most likely in Heaven, in a place neither one of you could reach. I know you both hope to find it, but I am doubting that will happen, despite what Father O'Brian said. It wouldn't be on Earth, such as in a tree, like Anna's was, because I didn't choose to fall. My grace was ripped out of me when I was up in heaven, and I woke up in a parking lot on Earth."

"Leave it to Zachariah to plop you down like some homeless bum in a parking lot," Dean growled.

"Zachariah saved our lives recently," Castiel said.

Dean smiled up at the rear-view mirror. "Leave it to you Cas, to always see the good in someone."

"Speaking of that," Sam said, "I wonder what that means for us as far as Zachariah's trustworthiness. He supposedly has his own agenda, but he did save both of your lives. Now we've got to think about two things, first, that Zachariah may expect you to conform to his every whim now, and use his powers to make sure they get done. I mean, Dean, he could actually _let_ you fall into another one of Lucifer's traps again, so that he has to rescue you, and use that as a bargaining chip to get what he wants out of you."

"Oh, God," Dean groaned. "What's the second thing you are thinking?"

"That Zachariah may not be as dangerous as we think. If we had listened to him, we wouldn't have went to Vicewren's. What did we learn there? Nothing important. We were determined to think that going there was somehow going to thwart Zachariah's plans. However, all it did was cause you both to get almost killed by Lucifer, or almost fall under Lucifer's thumb with his rituals. Zachariah's only intention there that we can see is to keep you safe."

"Good points on both counts," Castiel said. "First of all, we are going to have to make sure that we don't fall into another one of Lucifer's traps. We need to be on guard at all times. Both to keep Lucifer from gaining ground, and from keeping Zachariah from being able to manipulate us."

"Second, Zachariah did help us, but I believe he was telling the truth when he said it wasn't out of the goodness of his heart. He may have saved our lives, and wanted us to stay away from the danger we couldn't foresee, but I believe it was to keep you safe, Dean, and no other reason. Look at the fact that he made us keep those erections the rest of the day. He had to keep some power over us."

"Also, I was just thinking, in a way, Zachariah has something in common with Lucifer. Lucifer may need his rituals, as Zachariah said, and Zachariah was making a point of saying he himself didn't need rituals…"

"But Zachariah _needs _the prophecy!" Sam exclaimed.

"Exactly! I'm really getting to think that if we stray _too much _from the prophecy, just like if we got ourselves too deep into one of Lucifer's rituals, there would be no way to get out of them – if we stray far enough away from the prophecy – there is no way Zachariah can have his agenda fulfilled. He _must_ have the prophecy."

"So what do we do?" Dean asked. "Stay at a bar drinking Purple Nurples so that I'm not fulfilling the prophecy? I mean, we could do that, but then Lucifer can pull out his unholy welcome mat and start calling the Earth his lair cause no one will be there to stop him. And, we have no idea what this prophecy is. If we did, it would be a lot easier to do something differently."

Chuck was brought up, and the well known fact between them that Chuck was protected by an archangel. Everyone agreed that they'd think about how to get around that very annoying and dangerous fact. Castiel didn't think that just trying to hack Chuck's computer would be wise, the archangel would be aware of that. He would also be aware of the Winchesters sending a fake fan of the books over to try and get information. "I really think the only way we'd get information about the prophecy would be through a different channel altogether, like someone who isn't protected by the archangel, but how to find such a person, will be another complicated task to add to our list," Castiel said.

"This whole task just sounds so impossible, and too big to me," Dean said. "I know I've said it before, but I'm saying it again!"

"So does any large project that you look at all at once. But when you only take one step at a time, it's doable and less daunting," Castiel said.

Dean looked up at the rear-view mirror again. "That helps a little, Cas, but mostly just because I know I have you and Sam here to help me out. Really, this whole thing is a _bitch_! Why did we have to let Lucifer's ass out of the pit?"

Castiel rehashed the whole prophecy reason, and then everyone quietly watched the road and scenery go by.

--

Later that evening in the motel room, Castiel wanted to talk to Dean once he was in his arms. And he didn't care if Sam was listening. His mouth opened and the words came out.

"Dean, I know what you're thinking about getting my grace," he said. "And I'm not sure it would do any good to get it back anyway. They took it away from me because of the way I feel about you. If I end up with it somehow, and I can't imagine how you'd get your hands on it, it would just be taken away again. There is no point in trying, Dean."

"Don't say that Cas, you're making me wonder if I am a bad influence on you. Like maybe we should give this up. Whatever we are doing. I don't want to keep you from your grace, Cas. That's who you are. So maybe if we stop this, you can get your grace back."

"Dean," Castiel said sharply. "As long as I even follow you, period, in your arms or not, they will not let me have my grace back. In order to get my grace back, I would have to stay away from you completely now, and follow all of Zachariah's orders to the letter. Is that what you want?"

"Not unless that's what you want, Cas. I want you to have your own free will." Dean nuzzled his forehead against Castiel's, enjoying the rush that blossomed both from his chest and his head as he did so. "But I won't give up on the idea that you can have your grace and have me too. If I can beat Lucifer, anything is possible."

"I want to be with you, Dean. Is that not apparent?"

"It is, but something about you sacrificing yourself – who you really are, for me, bugs me. You're immortal, Cas. I mean, you're supposed to be. Makes me feel guilty, I guess."

"But I cannot be myself anymore without my feelings for you Dean. There is no way. I would just as much be giving up who I am if I had to stop loving you. I cannot. Even if you were away from me, I would be loving you from afar. I could be up in heaven, with my grace intact, and I would still love you. Actually, I can be separated from my grace, but I cannot be separated from my love for you. Therefore, do not feel guilty, because who I really am is still intact."

Dean squeezed Castiel harder, his heart pounding out of his chest. How was it that this immortal being loved Dean so much? It humbled him, it made him feel grateful, it made him want to be more so that he could be everything that Castiel needed. Dean still thought of Castiel as immortal, even though he technically wasn't at the moment. How could Castiel see his angelhood as less important than his relationship to Dean? Dean wondered.

"Do you really love me that much?" Dean asked softly.

Castiel kissed him and stroked Dean's head and said, "As an angel I never knew such love for a human being before, other than general compassion and affection for all of God's creation. The way I feel for you amazes me, but what amazes me even more is that you were able to return such feelings of affection. I never would have dreamed that you, Dean Winchester, would ever be in a relationship like this with me. You like women, for one thing."

"It also still amazes me that you cannot see your own worth. You have a heart of gold, Dean. You'll make sacrifices to benefit others. You care about what's right and the lives of the human race, and what's important to each individual – family and connections and being alive and having free will. So yes, I love you very much. I think I am starting to identify with your being unsure of self-worth because I find myself thinking, how did I end up worthy of Dean Winchester?"

"Plus," Castiel added shyly, "You're incredibly handsome. You could have anyone you wanted, easily, Dean."

"And you think you're not out-of-this world smokin' hot and gorgeous? Cause that's what you are, Castiel! At least this vessel you chose, it's beautiful. I never had a clue men could be so beautiful till now. And I have to laugh at you thinking you're not worthy of _me_, cause you're the angel! I'm a mere mortal! I can't even believe an angel of the freaking Lord would have reason to look twice at me!"

They both giggled happily. Dean felt like he had to say _something_ more, because Castiel said _it_, said he _loved_ Dean, but he felt suddenly very self-conscious, for one thing he realized Sam had heard e_verything_, and Dean wondered why Sam wasn't complaining, but decided his brother was probably just being polite. Also, Dean felt the need to absorb everything Castiel had said and Dean, not being used to discussing _feelings _at _all_, just wasn't ready to do so. But he had to give Castiel something. He was pouring out his heart to Dean in that innocent way of his that just made Dean _melt_ –

That was it! He could tell Castiel that. "Castiel, you make me _melt_. Seriously, you're knocking down barriers that Old Dean Winchester always liked to keep up. I don't know how you do it, you just do. It's like I was a rigid ice cube in a tray and along comes you and it's like you took the ice cubes out of the freezer and I just melted and I don't feel like I have to put up a front anymore with you, I can just be myself and without even trying that rigidity goes away and I just feel comfortable feeling good around you. Even if it is for sissies."

Castiel smiled a brilliant smile that Dean could see even in the dark, his upper lip pulled up and showed his front teeth in the cutest way, and Dean had a flash of that dream he'd had, way back when Castiel was still immortal. Dean felt so happy to see it, he leaned in and kissed Castiel right on those bared teeth. Afterwards, Castiel said, "Then I'm a sissy, too."

Sam finally spoke up. "That was beautiful, guys," he said, and Dean couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not. "Sorry, Sam, we'll shut up now," Dean said.

"Castiel, you must be one in a million, because _nobody _gets Dean to talk like that," Sam said. "I mean, _nobody_."


	20. Chapter 20

The Impala finally graced the state of Washington. The Evergreen state started out true to its name as they crossed the border, and then abruptly wasn't so green anymore about an hour's drive into the state. Pine trees waned out of the landscape and low, golden hills off in the distance took their place. After awhile things looked pretty flat, brown and boring, and both Sam and Dean were wondering where these supposed mountains were.

In central Washington, near Ellensburg, the Cascade Mountain range became visible, with a long stretch of snowcapped peaks meeting the sky - the weather here was almost normal with some blue peeking out occasionally in patches between the clouds.

At Ellensburg they headed north, and soon their view of the jagged peaks became obscured by evergreen-clad mountains – the Wenatchee Forest and mountain range. They drove up the highway for a few hours until Castiel told Dean to pull onto a dirt road.

Castiel gave Dean such specific directions on this lonely side road going up the mountain that Dean wondered if Castiel had a psychic link to Mapquest. As he drove, he wondered, how would Bobby know to come _here_ of all places from just a dream? This was definitely off the beaten path and not necessarily easy to find. And Dean's curiosity was killing him – why was this place more safe than other places? Castiel said they were almost there after another right turn, and Dean felt anticipation and hope that Bobby somehow was miraculously at this place and okay.

A clearing appeared. They saw a large brown two-story home with picture windows that faced the snowcapped peaks that were in sight again at this elevation. The mountains looked much closer now and seemed to take up most of the sky. Dean felt like he were in the Himalayas or something.

Then right after he thought that, he noticed a colorful string of flags flapping in the wind between two trees, each flag a different color. He'd remember seeing pictures of flags like that before, but couldn't put his finger on it. They pulled up to the house and Castiel said, "We'll see if he's here."

They knocked on the door and a bald woman wearing a crimson robe answered the door. Not a bathrobe, but the kind of robe that made her look like Gandhi. Castiel said, "We're looking for Bobby. Is he here?"

"Why yes, you must be the people he was waiting for. He's in the retreat cabin. I'll take you there."

The nun took some shoes off a shelf that was outside the door and put them on, and then she started walking up a gravel trail towards a smaller building. "Do you guys think it's really him?" Sam asked.

"Who else would it be?" the woman asked.

"Uh, we've just been having some trouble finding him," Sam explained.

"Hi, I'm Dean," he said to the woman, hoping he'd find out more about her, like why she was bald and in those robes.

"Hello Dean, I'm Venerable Jeshe. Have you ever been to the Abbey before?"

"Abbey?"

"Yes, this is a monastery for Buddhist nuns."

"Like Tibetan Buddhist? Here in the US?" Dean asked.

"Yes, we're one of only two Tibetan Buddhist monasteries in the USA. I'd be happy to tell you more about us if you like after you meet up with your friend."

She knocked at the small log cabin's door when they arrived, and then opened it quietly. "Normally we don't bother people in retreat, but he gave me explicit instructions to be interrupted if a couple of guys in an old Impala showed up. Well, I guess he got three guys in an Impala."

Inside, Bobby sat on a cushion on the floor, his eyes closed, his hands resting in his lap, palms turned upward. As the door opened wider, Bobby's eyes popped open.

"Where have you guys been?" Bobby asked. "It's been almost a couple weeks since you gave me that dream, Castiel!" He jumped up and hugged Dean and Sam. "It's good to see you are alive. I seriously wondered if you were dead."

"Same here, Bobby!" Dean said. The nun left them, and everyone took seats on the two mattresses that were on the floor.

"Why haven't you called me or returned my calls?" Dean asked.

"Castiel," Bobby looked at him, "You told me to come here and explicitly told me not to phone the boys. Besides, there is no cell signal here."

Dean looked at Castiel. "You did? Why didn't you tell me this, Cas? That he couldn't call? You know I was trying to reach him!"

"It was for his protection, and the protection of this place," Castiel said.

"I don't get this," Dean said. "Zachariah and Lucifer both could have watched us drive up to this place in their crystal balls. Why is this place so special?"

Castiel didn't answer right away, and Bobby said, "Well, I'm glad you're finally here, cause I was just about to crawl out of my skin with worry. I can't even believe I stayed here this long, but you were so convincing in that dream that the lives of the boys and the fate of the world depended on it, I decided to trust you. But I thought you guys were going to be here in a matter of _days_. What the hell happened?"

"Wait a minute, Castiel," Dean said. "Did you know _all along_ that the other Bobby wasn't really him?" There was an edge to his voice.

"_What _other Bobby?" Bobby exclaimed. "Somebody tell me what's going on here!"

"No, I didn't, Dean," Castiel said. "I wasn't sure if Bobby had even remembered the dream or if he did that he took it seriously."

"But you must have _suspected_ it wasn't Bobby," Dean said, taking a step closer to Castiel in that tiny cabin. They were practically nose to nose now. Dean's voiced had raised, he felt agitated, his stomach clenching into knots. "And you didn't say a goddamn thing to me, Cas. And we were led straight into Vicewren's and Lucifer's lair."

"I had some mild suspicions, but like I said, I wasn't certain, and I also had the safety of the real Bobby to think about too."

"Yet you told me nothing. And, you lied to me at Vicewren's. You said the real Bobby was in danger. But you knew he was here. You had me thinking all this time that Bobby was in terrible danger!" Dean shouted, his voice sharp.

"Dean, I didn't know for sure if he got the dream or not, or whether or not he was here or had gotten caught and stopped on the way! I wasn't an angel anymore and couldn't tell! And I will be explaining to you shortly, if you let me, why I had to keep this place secret! I couldn't tell you that he was quite possibly safe and here. It was very important that this place be obscured from both Lucifer and Zachariah's knowing."

"You're not an angel anymore?" Bobby said.

"No," Castiel answered.

"Everyone better start explaining stuff to me really darn quick!" Bobby said.

"No," Dean said to Bobby, and then looked back at Castiel. "I don't know for sure if you're Castiel," Dean said. "Castiel said to me once that Lucifer might try gain people's trust and then betray them in ways beyond imagining."

"I did say that. It could very well happen. We must be on guard for that possibility," Castiel said.

"How do I know that's not happening right now?" Dean said.

"Why are you so suspicious of me, Dean?" Castiel said.

"Because I recently had to go through finding out Bobby wasn't Bobby, and now finding out that you – Cas, didn't tell me jack shit about Bobby was probably okay. Let me think the worst."

"Letting you think the worst was better than exposing this place," Castiel said. "If you would let me explain…"

Dean reached down and pulled a silver knife out of his hidden ankle sheath. "First things first. I'm making sure everyone here is who they say they are."

"Dean, this is a Buddhist monastery. No violence is allowed here," Bobby said.

"I'm checking you all whether you like it or not," Dean said. "The door's closed. No one will see this."

Dean nicked everyone on the upper arm, because Bobby insisted that the nuns better not even see the cuts if they wanted to be able to hang out here at all. Sleeves were rolled up and other than flinching at the cuts, there were no other reactions to the silver knife. Dean even had Sam do Dean's arm.

"Get out the Demon knife," Dean said.

"Dean, if that's Lucifer, the knife won't do a thing to him. I think he was telling the truth about that." Sam pulled out the knife anyway.

"Well, we can at least clear that he's not your run-of-the-mill demon."

Dean looked into Castiel's eyes as he started to cut another line in Castiel's flesh above the first line of blood. Castiel looked neutral, and it disturbed Dean. He expected Castiel to have a pleading look in his eyes, or to reach out and connect to Dean through them.

Dean made the cut, and nothing happened other than Bobby had to reach for the tissue box so that Castiel could wipe up the extra blood. Dean felt confused – could it had been anyone but Castiel who'd said the things he'd said to Dean last night? Could Lucifer pull something like that? And it was shaking Dean to the core that Castiel wasn't meeting him with his usual gazes of affection. Was he really that attached to them? He felt more of a loss than he would have expected.

But Dean felt it necessary to be on guard, so decided quietly that he wasn't going to automatically trust Castiel anymore. Just in case. He knew that Castiel wasn't a demon, but the idea of Lucifer getting to Dean through Castiel really bothered him, and he made up his mind that under no circumstances would that happen.

"Are you satisfied, Dean?" Castiel asked.

"Sure." Dean wiped the blade with a tissue and hoped the nuns assumed someone had a nosebleed when they emptied the garbage later.

"So, Cas, why don't you tell us why this place is so special?" Dean said "After all this time of wanting us to 'go to the mountains', let's hear it. We're here now."

Everyone sat down again. "The nuns here are practicing an ancient spiritual practice that has been passed on for thousands of years, and therefore have an intricate belief system tied in with that practice. They believe in karma, and without getting into the details of whether or not it's their strong belief or the actual karma itself, but certain things _cannot _happen to them here. Or to anyone who is here with them. Lucifer would not be able to get in. Or if he did, he would be powerless to hurt the nuns or anyone else here."

"To the nuns, nothing can happen to them outside of their karma. This is not to say nothing bad could ever happen to them – for instance the Chinese occupied Tibet. Those people were not immune to bad things happening, even with their deep spiritual practice. But before I was cast from heaven, I could see that these people here have a special ring of protection around them. They truly believe their lives are at peace at this place, and it is true."

Dean wondered if this was true, or was this something Lucifer wanted them to believe? It seemed too good to be true.

"What about Zachariah? I'm assuming he also can't mess with these nuns," Dean said.

"No, he can't."

"I'm not sure I can believe this," Dean said. "So Lucifer could bring the whole world down, but this little mountain of nuns will still be at peace?"

Castiel looked down to think for a moment. "I don't think I'm making myself clear – this place is as close to an alternate reality as we can get while on Earth. In a way, Lucifer _could _bring down the rest of the world and this place would still be at peace – because they would choose that frame of mind, no matter what. And they would reach out and help the less fortunate."

"Yeah, these people have an interesting mind frame, that's for sure," Bobby said.

"Wait a minute, Castiel," Dean said. "You said you didn't want to let me know Bobby was here not only to protect Bobby but this place. If what you say is true, then they didn't _need_ protection, and you could have told me!"

"I felt it was safer not to discuss it outside. And that is a good point. I was afraid that Lucifer could tip the scales if he found out about it. I would say that under normal circumstances, this place is protected by its very nature. Yet Lucifer is very powerful. I'm just being cautious and using common sense. I want this place to stay protected."

"Remember how I protected us from the Archangel at the very beginning? I could read that both you and Sam had enough faith in me, that I could use it as an umbrella to hide us. I took us to unusual places like the expensive hotel and the remote campground to help strengthen your faith. Faith is a powerful thing. It was important though, that you did _not _know what I was doing, because then you could have started questioning things more, with your faith faltering. It is the same with this place. I hid it and Bobby to protect it. Please understand Dean, there are forces at play that you don't quite understand yet."

"That makes some sense," Sam said.

"Are you two going to quit arguing and tell me what the Jiminy Christmas has been going on?" Bobby said. "I'm hearing stuff about you all running into Lucifer, Castiel no longer being an angel, and there was another _me _running around and you two boys couldn't even tell? What in the name of the Lord has going on?"

Dean shot Castiel a "I'll get back to you later" look and everyone took turns telling Bobby about recent events.

--

Disclaimer: There really _is _a monastery of Buddhist nuns in WA state, but this story is not meaning to represent them in anyway. I put them in a different mountain area and other than using a few true facts, my descriptions are fictional and I am not an expert on Buddhism or their life. I thought I better mention that in case someone already knows of them, I most certainly do not want to disrespect them in any way.


	21. Chapter 21

After hearing everything, Bobby still had trouble with the fact that Dean and Sam didn't realize they weren't with the real Bobby for days.

Dean felt embarrassed. "We – had things on our minds."

Sam shot Dean a look, but thankfully said nothing. Nothing about Dean and Castiel's relationship had come up in the rehash, and Dean wasn't sure how he was going to explain that to Bobby.

"Well, from now on, no more nonsense about not keeping in touch with me. I was this close," and he held his thumb and forefinger almost together, "from leaving this place and calling you guys. I don't know, but I think Castiel might have put some mojo on me along with his dream, because it convinced me to stay."

Bobby told them about his time there at the Abbey. The nuns had been very nice when he showed up. He explained to them that he wasn't sure why, but he was told in a dream he needed to come here. They didn't think that was odd, and had him help out with certain chores and join in on their meditation practices, while offering him the retreat cabin. Bobby read several books from their library to help pass the time, the nuns didn't have television or other recreation.

"And soon as we're outta here, I'm popping open a cold one. I've gone two weeks without a beer!"

Everyone had a chuckle over that. Even Castiel cracked a small smile. Bobby told them about the books he'd read – that the Buddhists believe in karma and reincarnation and basically wanted to become enlightened to benefit all sentient beings.

"Benefit them, how?" Dean asked.

"By helping them all eliminate their suffering."

"Even Lucifer? They want to eliminate his suffering?"

"Uh, yes, I guess so, but I'm not sure they'd see Lucifer the same way we do. Anyway, not that I've bought all their ideas and am ready to take them home in a basket – but it did get me to thinking some, of a strategy for Lucifer."

"Yeah?" Sam said. They had already told Bobby that they were looking to him for help on what to do next.

"This even reminds me a little bit about what your Vicewren told you," Bobby said. "Almost mirrors it, in a weird way. But I thought of this before you guys showed up. I think we need to find out more about what Lucifer was like _before _he fell. When he was still an angel. I'm thinking Castiel might know some things," he nodded to him, "And I think I know of a couple of people who actually saved some ancient lore on the topic. And don't worry, these people aren't dabbling in the black arts. I'm not leading you all into Lucifer's lair," Bobby gave a reassuring look to Dean.

It was getting late, and Bobby told the men that they'd better talk to the nuns about accommodations before they went to sleep. Bobby told them there was another retreat cabin, just like this one.

"Sounds good," Dean said. "I'm staying in this cabin with Bobby. Sam and Cas, you two are together tonight."

"You still don't believe me," Castiel said to Dean.

"We'll discuss it more later. See you."

Castiel didn't seem to flinch, but Sam gave Dean a peering look. Then they turned around to leave.

After Sam and Castiel left, Bobby said, "You really don't think he's Lucifer, do you?"

"I don't know what to think anymore," Dean said. "I'm not so sure anymore that it is Castiel. But maybe it's just my paranoia talking."

"I doubt anyone _but_ Castiel could be given' you those _looks _he's always giving you. Like you're the only person in the goddamn world. And just now, he looked so hurt when you said he had to take off with Sam. Is he used to hanging out with you all the time?"

"He did? I didn't see him looking hurt, I saw him looking neutral! It was really bothering me, and was one of the big reasons I wasn't sure about him."

"Oh, he was a more than a little disconcerted that you didn't believe him. You really couldn't see that? And the look in his eyes today, I felt like I was intruding on a private conversation! It was like he was trying to reach out to you the whole time. I didn't think much about it at first, figured you were so used to his puppy-dog eyes that you didn't think about it twice."

"Maybe Lucifer's cast a spell on me, to get me to not trust Cas. To mess with me."

"It's possible. I wonder though, why he didn't choose Sam to deceive you with, rather than Castiel? It's not like he's an angel anymore. I'm not knocking him or anything, but it seems to me it would be more strategic to hit you where your heart is."

Dean looked down. Damn, Bobby was smart. "Good point," Dean said. "But Cas isn't meaningless to me, you know? We've been through a few scrapes together."

Bobby nodded an acknowledgement and they both were ready to dive into their beds, as late as it was. Dean spoke out loud before he realized what he was saying. "I guess maybe it's good for us to sleep apart for once."

"Oh yeah? Why? Crowded motel rooms have you two bickering a lot?"

"No, not exactly. I'll explain in the morning. Goodnight, Bobby."

Dean crawled into bed and tucked the plaid flannel blanket over his shoulder. He remembered the time he _thought _Bobby had caught Dean with Castiel in his arms. Back then, Dean didn't feel as embarrassed as he thought he would be.

But now, he felt unsettled about whether or not Castiel was really himself, and some embarrassment was gripping him. And Dean was back to square one on needing to clue Bobby in about Dean and Castiel being an item. Well, on the bright side, Dean thought, Bobby wasn't going to have to catch them together in his bed.

If this was really Castiel. It bothered Dean that he felt so suspicious and untrusting of him right now. Maybe all it was was that Lucifer _had_ put a spell on Dean.

_God_. Just a couple nights ago, Dean was saying to himself that no-way, no-how was Lucifer going to get in the way of Dean sleeping in Castiel's arms. Yet apparently, he succeeded.

Dean wanted to stop feeling like a damn yo-yo. First, he decides that he won't sleep with Castiel tonight because he needs to guard himself against Lucifer's tricks. Now he felt like that same action means he _did _fall for Lucifer's tricks. _Dammit!_ He willed himself to stop worrying about it for now, and to get some sleep.

--

Sam and Castiel were brought to an identical cabin, and they bedded down immediately. In the dark, Castiel asked, "Sam, do you believe me? I'm really sorry I didn't tell both of you about Bobby. But please understand, I've been an angel for millennia's. It's in my normal frame of thinking to see the bigger picture when it comes to actions being taken."

"Yes, I believe you. I'm finding it a little bit strange that Dean is so suspicious of you, especially after that 'love talk' of yours the other night."

Castiel sighed a little. "This is to be expected – Lucifer will try in many ways to get us to lose ground. And I apologize for the 'love talk' in front of you, I suppose that was inconsiderate of us…"

"Eh, don't worry about it. It was weird, but it's not like you two have any real privacy. Well, maybe if Bobby's hanging around with us often, we can rent two rooms. Me and Bobby in one, and you and Dean in the other."

"Perhaps. If Dean trusts me later. I miss him tonight, but I am more disturbed about what Lucifer could have done to make Dean so suspicious of me. It could blossom into something much worse than what it is now."

"Maybe Dean's just being cautious," Sam said. "We did get the wool pulled over our eyes by that Bobby-wannabe."

"Yes. Perhaps that is all it is. Goodnight, Sam."

Castiel lay quietly in his bed, feeling a mixture of faith and fear – it was a rather incompatible concoction, like water and oil. The feelings kept themselves separate, and Castiel felt split into two. He felt some faith that things could turn out okay, that Dean would trust him again. And they would all be a team to help Dean stop Lucifer.

He also felt a cold, gripping fear in his stomach that Dean's mistrust would get worse and worse and separate Castiel from Dean, and impair his judgment, making him less capable of defeating Lucifer. He remembered the two times Dean had walked away angry, talking as if he'd never speak to Castiel again. He couldn't bear it – and that's when he still had his grace to act as a shield against emotional pain. The pain had still hit him, sharp, a stab in the stomach, heaviness to his chest. And then Dean had spoken to him again rather quickly, hadn't stayed mad, so he never had to deal with Dean being at odds with him for very long. He wasn't sure his heart would know how to navigate such a thing if Lucifer got between them, or even Dean just being Dean got between them.

He decided he would deal with that when he got there, and not a moment before. He wasn't going to let Lucifer jerk his chain. He calmed down by reassuring himself there was reason to have faith. Things were going remarkably well, they'd escaped Lucifer once, they could do it again.

He did notice though how much he missed Dean's wanting to look over him every night, to make sure he fell asleep. Dean had taken the stance of an archetypical angel, in that respect.

Castiel had noticed that Dean hadn't mentioned the word 'love' when Castiel had told Dean he loved him, but thought nothing of it at all. Dean wasn't verbal about feelings, it was Dean's way for his actions to speak for him. So Castiel missed Dean's nurturing nature even more, but told himself this would pass.

--

Dean woke up and reflexively squeezed his arms in anticipation of holding Castiel closer to him, and then realized he wasn't there. Instead of Castiel's divinely handsome face, Dean was looking smack at the red plaid blanket that felt rough and itchy against his face. These nuns don't use fabric softener, Dean thought.

Dean pushed the blanket away from his face and sat up. Bobby was still asleep. Dean stepped outside to stretch his legs and get a breath of fresh air. Something about that little cabin made it smell and taste musty every time he took a breath.

Outside, it smelled like it had just rained, and moisture was visible on the grass, but unbelievably, Dean could see a large patch of blue sky above him. There was a huge clearing of mowed lawn before him, and beyond that, the glistening snow-capped peaks of the mountains. Dean wondered if he was supposed to start spinning around and singing like Julie Andrews.

Dean heard the door moving behind him and spun around. Bobby was stepping out, squinting at the sunlight.

"Has it been sunny like this the whole time you've been here?" Dean asked.

"Most of the time. Sometimes it rains. Why?"

Dean explained that all over the United States the weather had been overcast ever since Lucifer broke free.

"Huh. Maybe what Castiel says about this place is true. Say Dean, what were you going to tell me this morning? About you and Castiel having troubles sleeping in the same room or something?"

Here goes, Dean thought with a lurch in his stomach. He wondered how much explaining it would take. If Castiel had been in a female vessel, Dean could have said some ridiculously sexist comment about some fetching body part of hers, and had a chuckle with Bobby about what a catch she was, and let it go.

Dean felt like cutting to the chase was the best approach. No need to make it more painful by elongating the process.

"Well, actually, Bobby, we're not having troubles sleeping in the same room. We've been sleeping in the same bed. And -uh- liking it."

Bobby looked at him funny and stepped back. "You're kidding, right?"

But Bobby could see how nervous and embarrassed Dean looked. "You're not kidding. Wow. Wait a minute. Are you really Dean?"

"Yeah, this is really me, Bobby! Sam asked me the same thing when he found out. To be honest, I have trouble figuring out how this happened to me in the first place. It just sort of happened. Me and Cas, that is."

"Hey, hey, hey, simmer down, boy. I believe you. It's just some surprising news." Bobby said. His eyes softened. "I bet it took a lot of guts to tell me that. Especially for you, Dean."

Dean smiled a little. "Yeah, it did. So, you're not going to give me a hard time?"

"Not with you looking like you did just now, like you just bared your goddamned soul – oops I shouldn'ta said it that way – anyways, not when you laid your heart out like that. I'm not cruel."

"The other Bobby was. He was kinda snide about it…" Dean looked down thoughtfully, then said, "Castiel knew it wasn't you, and he's the one who stopped us from doing the ritual in Lucifer's bed. Or Vicewren's bed. I thought at the time he was incredibly perceptive and wanted to give him props for being so level-headed at the time, but now I'm feeling angry, because he had forehand knowledge, and knew it wasn't you to begin with!"

"Uh – what ritual in Lucifer's bed? You didn't tell me about this last night."

Dean looked back at the memory of last night, and realized that he had quickly gone over the part where Castiel realized Bobby wasn't Bobby and got them to get out of the house. Dean rushed through it and got to the part where they were all at Father O'Brian's place before slowing down his speaking pace. He'd purposely been vague – very vague.

So he filled Bobby in on the rest, even the horror of the killer erections, which got a rip-roaring laugh out of Bobby. "So Lucifer gave you a killer dose of Viagra, huh?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Lucifer's probably going to turn the whole world into some really nasty porn flick. Ugh. I still don't like the thought of sex right now."

"Can I tell you something Dean?" Bobby said.

"Yeah, of course! I've just told you some of the most embarrassing stuff in my whole life!"

"I had a suspicion that maybe that was going on, between you and Castiel, but was sure afraid to ask. Then when you told me, it was still kinda shocking. But don't be embarrassed, boy. If there's anything I know about you Dean, it's that when someone makes their way into your heart, you're going to be real good to them. That matters a whole lot more to me than who it is."

"Uh, thanks." Dean cleared his throat and tapped his feet, anxious to change the subject. "I really hope that Castiel is Castiel. Now I feel sorta bad about last night."

"That's part of the reason I wondered if you and Castiel could be together, that if he put a spell on you, he was hitting you where your heart was. In fact, I might have something we can look up at home about exactly what he used." He scratched his head. "This sounds familiar, somehow."


	22. Chapter 22

Dean saw Castiel walking across the meadow while he was standing there talking to Bobby, and it jump-started his heart. Whatever sentence Bobby had just said kinda faded off in the distance in Dean's mind, and for a few moments it was if nothing had happened yesterday. Dean found himself wishing he could be alone with Cas, even for a few minutes, to put his head against his warm chest, to let his heartbeat lull him into a peaceful place. Dean was kicking himself for making Cas sleep in another cabin.

Yet as Castiel came up to Dean and Bobby, his eyes looked distant, uncaring, _un-Castiel_. The same heart that had just gotten jump-started felt like it had been kicked, stepped on, and flattened. All the feelings of mistrust he'd felt yesterday poured into him again, making him feel poisoned, tainted, _betrayed_, by Castiel.

Dean started wondering if he hadn't made a mistake after all, last night. He glared at Castiel, angry that he wasn't who he said he was. Or was he? This thing wasn't making a lot of sense to Dean, but he needed to follow his feelings and they said, 'be careful.'

"Okay, kiddos," Bobby said, looking back and forth between Castiel and Dean repeatedly, studying their eyes closely. "I really got a feeling that there is some bad mojo going on here, and we need to take care of it lickety-split. Let's get to my place _now_."

"But this place is preferable for discussing our plans," Castiel said.

Dean glared at Castiel again. Castiel wanting to steer Bobby into staying made Dean suspicious. He wasn't sure he even _wanted_ Castiel to come along.

"You're free to stay here if you want, Castiel," he said gruffly, emphasizing the ending of his name."

Bobby looked between them again. "Alright, we're gonna git-go _now, all of us, _before this damned soap-opera can keep on enfolding right before my eyes. Whatever plans we needed to make, we'll make them later because I think we're going to have a lot worse mess if we don't clean this up first. I'll even wait for my cold beer until we get home. Castiel, you're in my car so I don't have to worry about squabbles. Let's go."

Dean immediately felt paranoid that either Castiel was going to turn Bobby darkside, or kill Bobby, or that Bobby _still_ wasn't Bobby. What was worse, was every time he looked at Castiel, he felt as if he were seeing another man behind those eyes – someone he didn't know at all. If this wasn't Castiel, where was he? Dean panicked, wondering if the former-angel had been killed already during his brief stint as a mortal.

Bobby rustled everyone into the cars, told Dean he'd better stay right behind him, and they took off into the fresh mountain air.

--

In the car, Bobby put his hand on Castiel's shoulder briefly. "I can tell that it's you, Castiel. I see how you're looking at him. But Dean can't see it right now. He's under some sort of a spell, and it's making him see you differently." He explained what Dean had said the other night, and about the spell he'd heard about in one of his books at home."

"I wondered if that was it," Castiel said. "Somehow, it still – hurts – to see Dean look at me that way, even though I know he's not seeing clearly."

"Well, we're going to get him fixed up. There's no way we can all function as a team if he's suspicious of someone all the time. Just hold onto your hat, Cas."

Castiel wanted to let Bobby know he wasn't wearing a hat, but realized it must be one of those human expressions. "Thank you Bobby, I appreciate what you are doing for us. For Dean."

--

Back at Bobby's place, Dean was getting déjà-vu – remembering the last time he was here, how Bobby wasn't Bobby after all, and now he didn't know if Castiel was Cas anymore. Being at Bobby's made the first time he'd held Castiel closely in his arms crystal clear in his mind, and it felt more like jagged piece of glass in his heart than the warm, comfortable memory it should have been. He wanted to jump out of his skin. He couldn't concentrate, every little thing Sam had said to him in the car on the ride over had irritated him, but he had bit his tongue figuratively most of the way, because after an hour of arguing with Sam, it was just giving him a headache and making him feel even more suspicious of everyone.

Bobby didn't waste time – he reached into the fridge for a cold one, offered one to Sam and Castiel (who denied) and refused to give one to Dean until later. Then he went to his study and brought back a couple of thick, worn-looking books. After sifting through several pages in each, he said, "I got it. I know what's wrong."

"What's wrong," Dean said, "Is that people aren't who they say they are."

"No, Dean, what's wrong is that Lucifer or someone in cahoots with him has put you under a high-end demon spell, trying to rip you apart from the inside out. But we can nip this thing in the butt. I've got a spell right here," he tapped the book with the green cover, "that will reverse this thing like a backwards-playing-record made right again. We'll be telling Lucifer we ain't going to be playing things to his tune."

"A ritual?" Dean shouted. "Hell _NO_. Lucifer tried to get me into a ritual and I'm not falling into his trap again."

"Dean, you're in his trap right now, and we're trying to get you out," Sam said.

"What? You're lying to me. You're all lying!" Dean screamed at the top of his lungs. He lunged for Bobby, making Bobby drop his book. Dean was about to swing for Bobby's face when Sam forced himself between them, making Dean's intended blow land into Sam's chest. Sam had push Dean on the couch and hold him there to keep from getting hit in the face. Bobby showed up behind them shortly with some handcuffs.

"Handcuffs again?" Dean said. "Damn you Lucifer, you are NOT going to keep doing shit to me that gets me handcuffed! Do you hear me, you asshole?" Dean shouted. "What? You're laughing at me? I'm going to kill you. I'm going to KILL YOU!" he screamed, trying to jump up, but Sam managed to block him.

"I guess this is going to be a two-handcuff job," Bobby said, and whipped out another pair from his gear. He snapped them shut at Dean's ankles.

Dean was still screaming, so Bobby motioned for Castiel and Sam to meet him in the other room.

--

"Here's the thing," Bobby said. "This spell, it's an ancient spell that's purpose is doing exactly what's happening to Dean right now. Makes him paranoid, mistrustful. It takes advantage of things that seem suspicious and uses them to make sure the victim sees the very worse. Like Castiel not telling Dean what he knew. Plus I'm sure the fact that there was a fake me makes things much worse, he has even more reason to be suspicious."

"Now, Castiel," Bobby said, "This spell was supposed to go both ways. It's supposed to pit two people that are close to one another, against each other. But you don't seem to be affected. What I'm thinking is, you got some of your angel juice still in you, somehow. It casts some kind of light that keeps the spell from being able to work inside you. That's my theory. A human being, you could say, is like a dark empty room – to a demon spell like this, anyway. Their nasty spell can grow inside an ordinary human like mold."

"You, on the other hand, are like a room with a light on. Their nasty spell can't grow inside you. Your angelic light casts away any darkness of the spell. Even though you say you've lost your grace, even if you've retained the tiniest speck of it, I imagine angelic light is some of the most powerful stuff in the universe. This particular spell wouldn't have a chance against it."

"That sounds like it matches something Father O'Brian said about Castiel. That his grace was still there somehow, like a silver lining behind a cloud," Sam said, excited. "But I wonder why Lucifer didn't think of this? That maybe Castiel wouldn't work?"

"I think Lucifer was convinced that my grace was completely ripped out of me. I mean, I myself was convinced that it was, so why wouldn't Lucifer assume the same thing?" Castiel said.

"At any rate, we're lucky he made that assumption," Bobby said. "We'd really be having a hard time if he'd chosen Sam instead of Castiel to pick on. In fact, I'm really surprised that he didn't, because of Sam's history with demon-blood, both with Old Yellow-Eyes and recently. You woulda been ripe ground for what they wanted."

"It's possible that Lucifer just couldn't resist the urge to kill two birds with one stone. He doesn't really have a beef with Sam, but he does with Castiel, being 'family' in a way, that ditched him long ago? Sorry if I'm hitting a sensitive spot, Cas, but I'm trying to figure this out. It's going to be important later that we understand where Lucifer's coming from."

"Yes, Lucifer could see things that way," Castiel said simply. "I was still dwelling in Heaven, he was not."

"Okay, you guys," Bobby said, "Here's where we are really in a pickle, though. I've got the reversing spell, but we need someone who Dean really trusts for it to work. And unfortunately, he doesn't trust Castiel right now, he's afraid I'm the imposter again, and I'm willing to bet he's still a little sore about what happened between Sam and himself, since I was the one who had to talk some sense into the man. It would be like Dean to just keep it to himself, anyway. So I'm not sure who we can use for this ritual."

"We need to be really careful about this," Bobby said. "If we do something wrong, it could really backfire on us. Any ideas?"

"What exactly will we be doing with this person he trusts?" Castiel asked.

"He needs to look deep into their eyes for awhile, while we say some incantations and do some other stuff on the side. That other person will be kind of like an anchor into the realm of sanity and trust again."

"We'll use you, Bobby," Castiel said.

"But Castiel, I just explained to you, he probably doesn't trust me right now…"

"Dean has legitimate reasons not to trust me right now, because I did withhold information that he wanted from him. And he also has legitimate reasons not to trust Sam completely. Sorry, Sam, but if not for the recent demon-blood issue, you would have been the perfect choice."

"However, Bobby, you yourself haven't done anything to lose Dean's trust recently. The shapeshifter did, but not you. I'm guessing you could still be an accurate anchor for Dean. In his heart, he does not feel any betrayal towards you. Suspicions, yes. Betrayal, no. I believe he will be able to connect with you."

Bobby looked down thoughtfully. "You may be right there. And it may be the only chance that we've got. Dean's parents are dead, he's not real close to a lot of people. You guys think we should give this a shot? Sam, you'd have to say the incantations then."

Sam and Castiel agreed that it was their best hope.

--

Later, after 2pm, it was cool in Bobby's bedroom, but Dean kept sweating profusely. Castiel continued to diligently wipe the sweat off of Dean's forehead and chest and arms, trying to help Dean feel more comfortable. Dean shook and moaned every now and then, scratched out at air in the dark. The ritual had made him unconscious, which was part of the undoing of the spell. Kinks were being worked out in his psyche, Bobby had said. His eyes would remain closed for awhile, so that nothing would interfere with the breaking of the spell. Only time would tell if the ritual had been successful.

Dean had shouted a bunch of expletives as he had looked into Bobby's eyes, and it had taken awhile for him to settle down. He had kept calling Bobby a filthy shapeshifter, so it was uncertain as to whether there was a connection made between Bobby and Dean at all.

Bobby asked Castiel to be the one to stay with Dean. When he finally woke up, Bobby hoped that Dean would get a jump-start back to reality by seeing Castiel there, looking at him at the way only Castiel could. It was a risk, because Castiel could still look like a stranger to Dean.

Dean was unhandcuffed, and kept rolling around in the bed, as if he couldn't get comfortable. Castiel kept saying prayers that Dean would be alright. Castiel was tired, but refused to sleep, in case Dean woke up. Finally, when dawn's first light started pouring into the bedroom window, Dean opened his eyes.

--

Dean didn't know where he was. It was rather dark. He appeared to be on a bed.

Dean had the sensation that he were drowning. He desperately wanted to reach air. He clawed at the air, trying to find it. He was breathing, his chest moved up and down, but somehow that wasn't enough.

Castiel sat in front of him on the bed, and Dean reached for him, gripped his shirt tightly. "Turn on the light," he said. "Turn it on!"

Castiel turned around to turn on a bedside lamp, and then faced Dean again.

"Are you okay, Dean?" Castiel asked. His eyes were warm and inviting, while concerned at the same time.

Dean blinked, to make sure he was seeing things right. Castiel looked down at Dean with adoration. Dean grabbed Castiel and pulled him down next to him on the bed, and looked into those eyes for a long time, before they both fell asleep, side by side.

Dean had finally reached air.


	23. Chapter 23

Dean heard the door open, and looked up. Bobby was looking down at him.

Dean jerked, started to sit up. It was hard to do, since he was completely entangled in Castiel's arms. "Bobby, I swear, we weren't doing anything in your bed," he said. Embarrassment flooded through him. How did he get caught in Bobby's bed with Castiel again?

Bobby chuckled. "Hey, it's quite alright. I was just checking to see if you were okay. How's he doing, Cas?"

"Cas is asleep," Dean said. "I'm fine. I…don't feel all suspicious like I did earlier. Castiel looks normal to me. I can see him in his eyes. God, what a relief."

"Thank goodness, cause we had no idea if the ritual would work. Sleep tight, boys." And Bobby shut the door.

Dean lay awake, staring at Bobby's ceiling. There was enough light cracking through the window that Dean could see old water stains directly above him. Well, he hoped they were old. He started wondering if he needed to be worried about getting wet, until he realized it wasn't raining. Even so, he felt this nagging feeling that at any moment, water could start dripping on him.

But it wasn't the water Dean was actually worried about. It was Lucifer. The fact that he could seep into his life so easily, like poisoned blood, unnerved Dean immensely. Dean wondered how close Lucifer was to pulling another scheme like the one Dean had just been through? What if they couldn't stop Lucifer next time? He'd heard Bobby. Bobby hadn't been sure if the ritual had worked. Dean wondered why.

Dean looked down at Castiel's face. He remembered the way he'd felt about him, hours earlier. Now that he could look back at it, it was rather nonsensical. He'd gone back and forth between feeling that Castiel himself had betrayed him with not telling him about Bobby, to Castiel wasn't Castiel at all. One or the other, and it was odd how he'd been upset at Castiel for _both_ reasons, when it was impossible that both were going on. He'd also been suspicious of Bobby, and then Sam…

_Sam._ It was if Lucifer had dredged up a whole lot of sand that had just been sitting at the bottom of a pond, buried and ignored. Took a stick and stirred it all up, let those parts of Dean float up to the surface. Parts he wanted to keep buried.

Sam had really betrayed him. Castiel probably hadn't at all, was just trying to be careful, like he said. But Sam, he'd chosen a demon over Dean that day. When Castiel had completely healed Sam of the demon-blood addiction, it seemed good ole Sam was back, trustworthy like he'd always been. Dean had chalked up the experience as Sam being under the influence, like a drug addict. He wasn't in his right mind. Yet, when Dean was under the influence of this… Lucifer spell, the unpleasant truth kept stabbing at him. How disappointed, hurt, Dean was by Sam's choice. How Sam had kept his secret all that time, not telling Dean what he was up to.

Even though he could remember these thoughts and feelings clearly, he wasn't experiencing them anymore. Sure, he still felt a little annoyed and hurt by his brother, but it wasn't consuming him like it had during the spell. In fact, he felt like he'd had some kind of spiritual enema. It felt easy to forgive Sam in this state of mind, to tell himself that Sam just wasn't himself when he made that decision. Other than a nagging feeling that Lucifer was cooking up more trouble in the background, Dean felt at peace with his brother, Castiel, and Bobby. And did he ever need it after all that trouble the last couple days. He didn't feel like things were _perfect _with everyone, but then, when was life ever perfect?

Dean thought about the words "under the influence." Dean had been under the influence of something recently. It had made him think and act differently. The same thing had happened to Sam, really, if you thought about it. Dean wanted to be accountable for his actions, though. He turned on his side, facing Castiel. He traced his finger along Castiel's cheek as softly as he could, not wanting to wake him up, even though he was anxious to talk to him.

He lay there, looking at Castiel's face, resisting the urge to lean in and kiss those perfect lips of his. Lips that had a darker outline than usual with excess stubble – Dean's behavior must have kept Castiel from having time for the razor. Dean sighed and lay on his back again, and when confronted with the ugly stains hovering above, turned and faced Castiel again and willed himself not to touch. At least in this position, he could enjoy the view.

Dean reflected on how much he'd changed in such a short time. In the past, he'd had one night stands all over the place without batting an eye. Now, he had been sleeping with this…man…he wasn't sure if Castiel completely qualified as a man, but he was currently in a man's body, anyway. Okay, so the sexual orientation switch was weird enough. Dean was convinced though that this was only for Castiel. But what felt weirder to Dean was that they'd gone weeks of sleeping in the same bed, holding each other, and still had no sexual contact with each other, whatsoever. It was so backwards from not really knowing the person at all and jumping straight in the sack with her.

"Dean?" Castiel said softly. His eyes were still closed as he spoke.

"Yes? I'm here, Cas." Dean leaned in for that kiss he'd be holding out on. Even though Castiel was sleepy, their lips met perfectly, moved in sync with one another. Castiel's lips seemed warmer than usual, but that was probably because Dean's lips had cooled down from their absence. He kissed him even more passionately, until Castiel moaned, vibrating Dean's lips in the process.

Dean pulled back. "Something wrong, Cas?" Dean asked.

"No, not really, this just feels really good," Castiel said, eyeing Dean's lips. "I missed you."

"Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that," Dean said. "I'm really sorry I made you sleep alone. I feel bad about it, did you sleep alright?"

"Yes, I was able to sleep. I like sleeping next to you better, though. I want to know, are you feeling okay, Dean? You were so upset recently with me, I want to make sure you know I meant you and Bobby no harm…"

"I know. I know Cas. I'm so sorry if I hurt you. I wasn't myself the last few days, which really upsets me because Lucifer succeeded in getting right under my skin. And I treated everyone badly because of it. What really disturbs me is, what's next? What else is Lucifer going to pull? To be honest with you Cas, I was too angry with you to miss you, I'm ashamed to say it. But I know you missed me and I wish you hadn't had to go through that. I know _I _don't want to have to miss you, Cas, but it's very possible the way things are going with Lucifer being the ultimate bitch pain in the ass right now. Not only do I have to worry about Lucifer destroying the world, now I have to worry about Lucifer destroying _us. _I don't want to lose us, Cas. I don't know what this is, but I don't want to lose it."

Castiel hugged Dean tighter. "Maybe you needed the motivation? I don't know. I too, do not want to lose us. But I have to have faith that everything that is happening to us is happening for a reason and things will work out. That there is a silver lining behind the cloud."

Dean laughed. "There's that silver lining again." He leaned in to kiss Castiel again. "I wish I could feel like I've made some progress. I feel like Lucifer's got the higher score for sure."

"We will make progress. And maybe we'll be surprised by how swiftly we can defeat him. Maybe the final battle won't take much time at all. I know how much you feel like we're wasting time and not getting far, Dean. But we really aren't."

Dean reached down, caressed Castiel's hip, and considered moving inward, but stopped. "That's another thing I feel like I haven't…uh…made progress on. You're hard," Dean said. "I can feel it up against my own, and God, what a turn on! Right now I will be really grateful if we can get our own room tomorrow night. I'm sure not going to be doing anything in Bobby's bed."

"I can wait for that progress, Dean, although it would be nice if we didn't have to wait much longer." He giggled and then smiled. A brilliant smile.

"Um, oh my god, Cas, you can smile!" Dean said. "That is the most adorable thing I've seen in the world! And I'm not kidding!"

"I will try to smile more then," he said. "So Dean, does this mean you are no longer disgusted by sex?"

"It's starting to interest me again," Dean winked.

--

After a couple hours of resting, Dean and Castiel were ready to head down to the kitchen for breakfast. Sam and Bobby were already up, talking while they poked their noses into books. Research, Dean thought, both Sam and Bobby's favorite part of the hunt.

Both Bobby and Sam looked happy that Dean was better. They were also eager to discuss their research.

"I think I've found a way to protect us against almost any demon spell," Bobby said. "Like a huge immunization shot. Similar to how our tattoos protect us from being possessed. But there isn't a tattoo to keep out demon spells. I wish it were that simple."

"What do we have to do?" Dean asked. "Boil some eye of Newt?"

"I said it _wasn't_ simple, Dean," Bobby said.

"Alright, I'm all ears," Dean said.

"Well, we kinda need a dose of Castiel's grace," Bobby said.

"Cas's grace? How? We don't even know where it is!" Dean said. "Thanks a lot, Bobby, you're getting my hopes up for nothing. I thought you found something we could actually _do_."

"Now just wait a minute and stop getting your panties into a bunch," Bobby said. Castiel looked at Bobby quizzically. "It's an expression, Cas. Anyway, I'm working on it. I forgot that you didn't know that Castiel has at least some of his grace on him still."

"What? How?"

"Cas wasn't affected by Lucifer's spell. The only way that is possible is that he has some of his grace."

"That's nice to hear," he said, smiling at Castiel. "But even if we knew how to access his grace, how would we get a dose into us?"

"One step at a time, Dean," Bobby said. "First, I'm working on a locating spell. As in, how to find it within Cas, without burning our eyes out. But it's not going to happen right away. I want us to get going to see those buddies of mine that know some stuff about Lucifer. We should pack up and leave early this afternoon."

"Maybe we should figure out this stuff first? It would be nice to know I can't catch Lucifer cooties, and also to find Castiel's grace would be terrific for Cas."

"We're only going to find the small piece inside him, not all of his grace, Dean. And we're packing up my books and gear and bringing it along. Don't worry, this task won't be left behind."

"Where do your friends live?"

"California."

Dean felt nervous and excited at once. California was too far away to get there immediately. They were going to have to get motel rooms tonight. Not a room, but _rooms_.


	24. Chapter 24

Bobby had to clarify for Dean over breakfast that his books didn't actually say that an angel's grace was needed to protect someone from demon spells.

"We were just looking in the books to see if it was possible, if it had been done before. Because angels haven't been on the earth much until lately, we didn't think we'd find anything at all," Bobby said.

"But some holy people were protected from demons temporarily by something they called 'an infusion of the Lord's light.' We think it could mean an angel's grace," Sam said. He looked at Castiel expectantly.

"That's exactly what that is," Castiel said. "Some priests, monks, and nuns were given a small dose of an angel's grace when dealing with an especially troublesome exorcism. But that was a very long time ago, and I wasn't one of the angels called on to donate. So I am not exactly sure how it's done."

Bobby finished his last bite of pancake, and then stood up to take his plate to the sink. "On the way over, Castiel, I hope you can fill us in on whatever you know about Lucifer."

--

Castiel and Bobby sat in the backseat of the Impala, so that they could talk to each other easily. Dean listened in, and stole glances of Castiel's handsome face in the mirror at times. It was better to look at than the billowing gray clouds above the road before him. Ordinary, Dean would have thought the clouds were stunning and dramatic, but after about a month of them non-stop, Dean just felt like seeing the dark road with its white stripe and a blanket of clouds above made him feel colorblind. He looked at Castiel again, sighed within as he looked at his eyes. At least he was able to see some blue on a daily basis.

With his eyes back on the road, the clouds were reminding Dean of the turmoil inside him. He felt some fear and apprehension that he felt every day since Lucifer became free, and now he also felt very nervous and excited. He thought often of the empty motel room that awaited him. He even wondered if he had the nerve to ask for a Queen sized bed rather than two beds. Geez, if he had a gorgeous chick on hanging on his side, this wouldn't even be an issue. He'll, he'd be arrogantly hoping the motel clerk noticed his catch for the night.

_To hell with this_. Dean decided this was Castiel's first time, and he deserved to lose his virginity in style. Dean couldn't believe the end of the world was coming and here he was, worrying about looking gay to one motel clerk. He made up his mind and went back to just feeling nervous and excited at once. He was ready to burst from the tension. He willed himself to have some patience, reminded himself but soon it would be done and over, and then they'd be out trying to defeat Lucifer. Or maybe Lucifer would get between them for good afterwards, and this would be their only time together. That thought made Dean feel even more nervous. He put in some music, set it to low volume so he could still hear Castiel and Bobby.

Castiel had said that Lucifer had been an archangel, one of the highest of God's chosen. Definitely one of the very few angels that had actually witnessed God first hand. Castiel was created long after Lucifer was – Lucifer was ancient. So Castiel wasn't completely sure of Lucifer's history with God, and didn't know a lot about him, period, but he could still remember the day Lucifer was cast out of Heaven.

It was the day God had created human beings. Castiel gave a short background of what angelic life was like before humans existed. Basically, life was posh. Existence as an angel before human beings existed was too difficult for Castiel to explain, he said it was rather abstract. He said he'd always had longings to be in God's presence one day, even though back then, there wasn't such a thing as a _day_, not until human beings existed. His life consisted of communing with angels that were about the same age as he, and living off the rays of God's light.

Not being directly in God's presence, Castiel said, had been like being next to a door of a room with a very bright light inside. The rays of the light still escape out of the cracks. Castiel lived for those small rays. He knew that some of the angels, Lucifer being one of them, lived constantly on the other side of the door.

"Sounds kinda lonely," Dean had butted in. "I mean, always waiting to see your parent on the other side of the door, but never getting to?"

Castiel explained that was just the way things were in Heaven. You didn't question it. Then, one day - it was the sixth day since God had created days and the earth, he created a man and a woman. They were different than the animals God had created, they could speak, communicate with God, and with each other. Most of the angels were curious, and listened to these humans speak to God in their coarse, harsh language. Castiel could understand them even though it wasn't the angelic language.

"What were they saying? Were they speaking English?" Dean had asked.

"For God's sake, no, Dean." Sam said. "They wouldn't have been speaking English back then."

"I was trying to be funny," Dean said.

Castiel told them it was a language that didn't exist anymore, but was responsible for the start of several ancient languages. He also said they were mostly praising God and observing the land around them, and each other.

God asked all angels to bow down to these new humans. He told them that the angels would play an intrical part in their lives, and he wanted the angels to show respect for his new creation.

"So, did you hear God saying this from behind the door, or what?" Dean had asked.

Castiel patiently explained that he always heard God's wishes through a chain of command. So no, he hadn't heard God's voice directly.

"What? Then how do you know God is real? He could be like that Wizard of OZ, just a fake!" Dean exclaimed.

After explaining to Dean that knowledge of God's existence was based on more of a feeling than visual or auditory evidence, Castiel continued his story.

All the angels willingly bowed down to the human beings. Except one. Lucifer refused. From what Castiel had heard, there had been a great argument between God and Lucifer, but Castiel did not know any of the details. None of the lower ranking angels did.

Lucifer would not obey God, and God did not want this kind of disobedience in heaven. He cast Lucifer into a place called hell. Back then, no one knew what this place was. All they could gather was that it was not Heaven and not earth.

Later, as the human population grew, angels were given tasks to assist the humans – almost always invisibly. It became the angel's purpose. Gone were the days of resting in heaven close to the Lord. Now everyday was a task to be fulfilled. Every day, angels worked so that human suffering could be minimized.

It became known that wicked humans, ones that caused others great suffering, went to this place called hell that Lucifer had been sent to. Angels now knew it was a place of punishment and banishment. There was some talk of a prophesy that Lucifer could be free again.

"Is it true, what I've heard, that Lucifer was cast into hell because he loved God too much? That he loved God so much he only would bow to God, and not the humans?" Dean had asked.

"Yes, it's what I was told." Castiel said.

"This is why I don't believe in God. You just told me that God's a jerk. I don't like jerks." Dean said.

"Dean, if you think he's a jerk, then you believe in him," Sam pointed out. "By the way, you're a jerk, Dean. When God made man in his image, he must have created you."

"Shut up!"

"Will both of ya's shut up?" Bobby said. "I'm trying to hear what Castiel has to say. This is important."

"Dean hasn't really been a jerk lately," Castiel said in Dean's defense. "He's been rather nice. You may want to re-evaluate your opinion of Dean."

Sam broke into a thunderclap of laughter. "I was teasing him, Castiel!"

"Wait, Cas," Dean said. "You used to think I was a…jerk?"

"At times, yes, Dean, you were."

Sam was still laughing. Hearing that, Sam laughed even louder. Dean shot him an icy stare. This made Sam double over and hold his stomach, he was laughing so much.

"Alright, Chuckleheads, let's get back to business. I want to hear what else Castiel has to say about Lucifer," Bobby said.

Castiel told them that what he knew about Lucifer was mostly talk of him after he'd been sent to perdition. That he'd been the most beautiful of all God's angels. That he was now the devil, ruling hell, creating a legion of demons to do his work.

Dean had turned on his music at this point of the conversation. Bobby said, "Well, I'm hoping my friends can fill me in, because I feel like a big piece of the puzzle is missing. Like why God got that annoyed with Lucifer, to throw him into the pit. What the argument was about. It might shed some light on why Lucifer is behaving like he is."

"Wouldn't it be even more difficult for humans to find out that info, if Castiel couldn't?" Dean asked.

"We'll find out more when we get there. I hope not."

Bobby and Sam read some of Bobby's books for awhile, hoping to learn more about how to use Castiel's grace for protection. Also how to find Castiel's grace inside him. At the next rest stop, Dean had Cas sit in the front seat of the car. He held his had the rest of the drive for the day. It helped Dean feel calmer.

--

Dean ordered a room with a queen sized bed, just like he planned. Bobby ordered a room for him and Sam, and winked at Dean as he headed away.

Castiel looked a little nervous. "We don't have to do anything, if you don't want to," Dean told him.

"No, I want to. I'm just not exactly sure what I want," Castiel said.

Dean smiled. "Me neither. Well, let's just take it slow and see what happens."

--

Author's note: I don't know anything about Lucifer, other than stuff I heard on the show, and stuff I read on Wikipedia. Most of what I say about him from this chapter forward will be a fabrication of my mind! If my story deviates from anything said on the show, well, this is just a fic!

Also, working on an M rated chapter for what happens next with Dean and Cas. Will be posted separately from Stormclouds because I want to keep Stormclouds rated T. Will post it soon so keep your eyes peeled in the M section if you want to read it. If you skip it, you won't be missing any of the plot, I promise.

Thanks to all my readers! I love the reviews! Very encouraging!


	25. Chapter 25

Dean liked to use heat in a room for protection. The warmth would envelope him, and Dean imagined, kept him safe. He could jack up the heat in a motel room and not have to worry about the electric bill, so it became a semi-unconscious ritual for him, to turn on the heat and feel protected by it. Now that Dean had Castiel in his arms, that feeling of warmth and protection came to him on a whole new level. He realized that in a way, he associated the warmth he always wanted when he went to sleep with angels. Dean never did quite feel like the angels were there with him – like his mother had said – unless he was warm and comfortable.

Dean nuzzled his head against Castiel's and held him tighter. Angel or angel no more, Dean felt protected around Castiel, nonetheless. His warm body helped validate Dean's belief. That and the lovemaking they'd made the night before put an extra glow into the warmth he felt from Cas. He snuggled in closer and sighed happily. He was drifting back to sleep when he heard Castiel murmur against Dean's chin, "Dean, are you awake?"

Yeah, Cas." He held his head back a little so he could kiss him on the lips. Then he pulled farther back and focused on Castiel's eyes.

They were dark with concern. Dean couldn't help but note that Castiel looked gorgeous with that look in his eyes. Dean was looking at a painter's dream. Depth and beauty all at once. Yet, something was clearly wrong, and it shook Dean to the core.

"Cas, what's wrong?" Dean asked. As he was waking up further, he remembered their night together, and how much he had enjoyed himself, and hoped Castiel wasn't having regrets.

"I think some of my grace came back." Castiel closed his eyes, and he was gone in a blink of an eye. Dean did a double take. It had been a long time since Castiel had done his disappearing act on Dean. He wasn't used to it anymore. He hadn't missed the ache he always felt when Castiel left, one bit.

He was about to shout out, "Well, are you coming back?" when Castiel said, "I'm behind you Dean."

Dean shifted so he was facing Castiel. He was standing right by Dean's side of the bed, with his clothes and trenchcoat on. He had been in a t-shirt and black boxers before he left the bed.

"Your clothes are on!" Dean said.

Castiel looked down at himself. "That's kind of a habit – sort of a wrapped package. I teleport, I have clothes on. I wouldn't want to accidently transport somewhere naked."

Dean smirked. "Now _that_ would be funny."

Castiel sat next to Dean on the bed. "I guess I could use my ability to do transport-streaking."

Dean slapped him on the back. "You really are getting a sense of humor!"

Castiel stood again and took off most of his clothes and climbed back into the bed. "Dean, if I have even some of my grace back, I'm detectable to the angels. This isn't good."

"But how did it come back?" Dean asked.

"Last night – I think the lovemaking brought it out. It's the only thing I can think of."

Dean made a face. "That? Why? How?"

"It was a guess, Dean," Castiel said. "It's the only thing I've done recently that deviates from my regular habits."

__

Not too long afterward, Dean tried to find the most discreet way of explaining what had happened to Castiel to Bobby.

"You two had a roll in the hay and Castiel's grace squeezed out in the process?" Bobby said. Dean looked at the ceiling. So much for being discreet. It seemed Dean was destined to have Bobby know the intimate details of his life, both this Bobby and the fake one.

"Did that hurt, Dean?" Sam asked. "You know…did some of Castiel's grace leave his body and…"

"Dammit, no, you guys, I'm still intact," Dean said curtly. "Let's talk about what this means and if Bobby can get us a dose of it, to protect us."

"I'm still in the dark on how we can use it," Bobby said. "And I hope we can figure out how before Zachariah gets his hands on him. Those friends of mine are our best bet."

Bobby looked across the room quizzically then raised his eyebrows. "I just thought of something." He went for his backpack of books and took one out.

"Here!" Bobby said after several minutes. "I found it!"

Everyone leaned in, eager to hear what Bobby had found. Dean looked over at Castiel and started wondering what it would feel like to have some of Castiel's grace inside of him. Would it give him insight as to what it felt like as an angel? Would it give him a natural high? Dean realized that having some of Castiel's grace would be more intimate than the lovemaking they'd done the night before. Because part of Castiel's very being would be living right inside of him. Dean felt excited and enthralled at the thought, and hoped Bobby could figure out how to do it.

"I don't know if this is legit, since this is only lore. But I bet there is some truth to it."

Bobby showed them the story in the book about an angel that was forced to become human. The angel hadn't realized that his grace was tethered to him. Not until he'd killed someone in an act of passion. Then he felt a surge of his own grace coming back to him. It wasn't called grace in this story, but Bobby believed they were talking about the same thing.

"His name was Zaran. He was known in the story as a trouble maker. It was the reason he lost his grace. When he got it back from committing murder, it caused a big fuss in heaven, and other angels were trying to cut the tether. Zaran saw this, and made an escape. Then he committed another act of murder, and more of his grace came back."

"Then an archangel killed him. Turns out that Heaven wasn't so upset about the murdered human beings as the fact that an angel was able to gain access to his own grace when it wasn't the will of God."

"Wait a minute," Dean said. "Are you saying some Archangel is going to kill Cas now?" Dean couldn't keep his concern out of his voice.

"No, because it's just a story," Bobby said. "I'm wondering though if the tethering part has a ring of truth to it."

"This story makes no sense," Dean said. "If God didn't want the angel to access his own grace, why not just cut the tether?"

"Maybe it's impossible. And if it's at all true, we can use that fact to our advantage," Bobby said.

"If an archangel doesn't get him," Sam said.

Bobby looked at everyone. "I know you are worried about how Castiel might be on the radar right now, and I am too. But let's not worry about that till we're there. There isn't much we can do about that anyway. It's not like we can hide him in a suitcase."

Everyone finished packing up to leave, more eager than ever to get to California and see if they could find out what was going on with Castiel, and get details about Lucifer. Dean looked at his Impala on the wet parking lot and for once wished it was another color besides black & chrome. It reminded him too much of the desolate sky that hadn't seen much change since they were in the Washington mountains.

Later, when they were alone in a rest area bathroom, Dean asked Castiel what it would be like for Dean to have some of his grace inside him.

"Will it feel like you're always with me at all times?" Dean asked hopefully.

"No, not quite," Castiel said. "My grace, when transferred and shared, is more like a light – well better yet, a warmth – dwelling inside you. A comfortable warmth, nothing overbearing. It won't feel like my personality is living within you. That can't be transferred, just the part of me that is angelic and protective. It's sort of like being armored with an angel coating. Did that answer your question?"

"Did you say a warmth?" Dean asked, smiling. He was disappointed it wouldn't feel as if Castiel were right next beside him always, but he felt a wondrous excitement that he could carry that feeling of warmth and protection with him at all times. So it wasn't his imagination, all those years! He thought. Angel protection and warmth went hand in hand.

Back in the car, Dean jacked up the car's heater, eager to feel that protection already. He felt a little unnerved about the fact that Castiel was probably visible to the other angels again. He kept glancing at Cas to check up on him.

Then one time, Dean looked over, and Castiel wasn't there. At the exact same time, Sam and Bobby were exclaiming, "Cas!" They too had noticed the emptiness in the front of the car where Castiel was supposed to be.

Dean pulled over on the lonely road and starting looking around, shouting, "Cas, come back!" and "Zachariah, bring him back, you fricken asshole!"

"What do we do now? Dean roared in anger, after several minutes.

"Let's get to my friend's place. We need their help more than ever," Bobby said.

--

Sorry it took so long to update, and please forgive the cliffhanger…I'm actually writing up the next chapter right as I post this one…I don't want to leave you guys hanging too long again. But I really wanted to get this one up right away so you guys don't have to wait any longer for it.


	26. Chapter 26

Dean drove slightly faster down the freeway, but not fast enough to get a ticket. His heart felt clutched at, tight and uncomfortable, and he was very uneasy about not knowing where Castiel was, but he focused his stirred up energy on getting things done. He wanted to get Lucifer and find Castiel all at once, all in a nice, neat wrapped package with a bow on top. Dean was worn out. At the same time, he still felt energized by his bond with Cas. That too, gave him strength to keep moving.

They stopped at a dusty gas station in the desert so Dean could take a leak. The restroom was quiet without Castiel there taking a leak beside him. He missed him instantly. He remembered the one time they peed in unison, at a cold rest area restroom. Their streams had started at the same time and stopped at the same time as well. He never could have had that memory with a girl, he smirked to himself. He finished the necessity and went to the sink to wash his hands when he caught a glimpse of something red behind him, its shininess matching the chrome frame on the mirror.

Dean whirled around quickly, instinctively reaching for his closest weapon on him. The sight before him made him blink. He felt like he was looking at a cartoon character.

It was the devil. Redder than a fire truck, a huge chest that was practically gleaming, and big brown horns that had a circumference wider than Dean's biceps. The devil grinned at him.

"So you like this form?" He said. "I thought I should come up with a good cliché for you, since you're convinced you are dealing with the devil himself."

"Well you sure as hell aren't Bambi," Dean said.

Lucifer laughed. "That I am not. I like your sense of humor Dean. Come to think of it, I like you in general. I think we have a lot in common."

"I have nothing in common with you!" Dean shouted, the anger in his voice nearly causing a punch with its force.

"Oh really?" Lucifer said. "What about all that time down in hell, how it broke you, turned you into what you really are, a man who actually _enjoys_ torture. We've both tasted an essence of the dark side few souls get to savor. You know what most souls do in hell? You'd think they'd break like you, but instead they give in to torturing because they are tired of the pain, yet detest the torture they inflict upon others. It's a whole other form of torture, another layer of a delightful symphony making a beautiful song."

"You sick fuck," Dean said, rolling his eyes and then locking them onto Lucifer's large black ones. "I am _nothing_ like you, as I said. I may have been like that in hell, but I'm man enough to regret it. I regret it every day of my life. It doesn't undo what I did down there, but I'd like to think it at least takes me way off the map of having something in common with you."

"Aw, Dean, that's hurtful. And I was just trying to make friends with you," Lucifer said. "Never mind that. I can't expect you to appreciate who I am yet when you are as naïve as you are. All in good time."

Dean rolled his eyes again, but noticed something in his peripheral vision as he did so. Lucifer's form was changing. Dean expected him to quickly morph into something more human, but instead watched a most confusing sight unravel before his eyes.

Lucifer's face went from a cartoonish devil to an incredibly beautiful one. Unearthly beautiful, it was still under the red skin of the devil form, but it stirred Dean in unimaginable ways to see it. It blossomed like a flower, looking as delicate as bone china and was a face more divine than his beautiful Castiel, he hated to admit. It was utterly flawless and something he could look at for an eternity. He wondered if it was Lucifer's original form. He used to be an angel, after all.

But Lucifer's face didn't stay that way for long. It melted and merged with something horrifying, the epitome of ugliness. Then, half of the face seemed to stay angelic, the other half grotesque. It nauseated Dean some to watch them intertwine, the motion of it like a choppy sea, and the ugly half was really sickening to look at. It overrode the beautiful half. It was too damn ugly.

"What the hell are you doing?" Dean finally said. He had to look away.

"Showing you a bit of who I really am," Lucifer said.

"Which is?" Dean was actually curious what his answer would be.

"I am the genuine yin & yang," Lucifer said.

Dean laughed. "Yeah, right." But he was compelled to look again, and realized that at times the more beautiful part outshone the ugliness. For a flickering moment, and then the sickening half made him want to wretch in disgust. "Enough of the freak show, Lucifer," Dean said, looking at the ground. "You're really good with theatrics, but I'd rather you just get to the point."

"I'm trying to show you the true nature of humanity, and myself," Lucifer said, "And you scoff."

"What, that we all have good and evil inside us? Big fat hairy deal, Lucifer. Why don't you try telling me something I don't already know."

Lucifer shook his head a little, and the beautiful side completed his face and stayed there. Dean was able to look in his eyes. Would have trouble looking away if he were asked to. The eyes were a light golden color with flickers of blue throughout the irises. They glowed with an ethereal beauty. Dean forgot he was looking at Lucifer. For a moment, anyway.

"You thought that's what I was trying to tell you?" Lucifer said. "No wonder you are unimpressed. I have to keep reminding myself you are naïve. One can't teach a kindergartener calculus, this will take some time."

"Dammit, can we lay off the metaphors? I'm getting bored and I'll meet up with you later on. We can chat more then." Dean winked and turned around, but had to take one last glance at the beautiful face. He hated it that he liked it, and that he'd probably never see it again.

"Dean, what I was trying to tell you is that I am incredibly important, and I have an important purpose. I want to make the world a better place."

"Dude, I've lost my patience with you. I told you, I'm leaving. I could care less about your egotistical bullshitting lies."

"Do you want to know where Castiel is?" Lucifer said.

Dean spun back around. "You've got my attention. Where is he?"

"Actually, I have no idea where he is. He's a resourceful little angel, my little brother. I think I'm proud of him."

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Does that mean he's not with Zachariah?"

"Zachariah's too busy with his own flawed plans. But he might be interested to know that Castiel's learning his grace is coming back to him."

"What are you saying? You blackmailing me?"

"All I want is a listening ear, Dean. Your ear."

Dean folded his arms and rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever. Make it snappy."

"Dean, I am a very unique creature and part of God's plan. Without me, God's world cannot be."

"How so?"

"Tell me something good about a shadow. Of anything."

Dean thought for a few seconds. "You mean like shade, from a tree?"

"Very good, my pupil. And at night, do you want the lights on as you are trying to fall asleep?"

"No, what's your point?"

"I am…both. You don't want too much light. You don't want too much darkness. I make both possible, in a very delicate balance. I am trying to undo some great unbalance that has been going on for years while I was in hell."

"You're not making any sense, Lucifer. First you say you are all part of God's plan. Then you say that it's very flawed and unbalanced while you've been in hell. And by the way, why did you cast that spell on me, asshole?"

"I will answer your last question first. Because I am both. Sometimes scales need to be tipped to make an ultimate balance. And as for the first, an unbalance during a certain period of time is not necessarily a permanent unbalance. Making it right in the cosmos ultimately makes it as if it were right all the time. Deep meaning of life stuff I know you aren't ready for yet."

"So you're saying if your mission is complete, life will be perfect?" Dean said sarcastically.

"No, but I am saying my mission must be complete. And it will be complete. I guess that will make it perfect. Hmmm.

"Yeah, whatever. I don't trust you. I think you're just a big liar. See you."

"Remember that Dean, what you just said. It's important. Oh and I hope you find Castiel" And Lucifer did a Castiel and disappeared.

Dean walked out of the restroom, convinced that Lucifer was trying to screw with his mind some more. Stupid Asshole, Dean thought. Stupid powerful asshole.

--

Later, in the car, Dean wondered if some of what Lucifer said could be true. There was an angel of death, maybe God had made an angel of yin & yang? And Lucifer was it? He was more eager than ever to get the scoop from Bobby's friends.

"He seems different than he did at Vicewren's," Dean said to Sam and Bobby. "Back there he was a sickening jerk and was going on about seals to break. Now he's just talking about cosmic balance like some new age guru. I don't know what to think."

"Maybe there is some yin-yang to him," Bobby said. "And it gives him multiple personality disorder. And being in his presence will lead us to the meaning of life."

"Oh, goodie," Sam muttered.

They chuckled dryly, the new info on Lucifer weighing heavily in their minds. And Dean whispered to them in the car as it rode through the desert. "I think I know where Castiel is, that is if Lucifer wasn't lying about not knowing where he is."

Bobby and Sam nodded in silent agreement, and there was an unspoken plan made in all their heads of where they were going to go right after California.

--

That evening, their last night in a motel before the place in California, Lucifer's revolving face haunted him when he closed his eyes, shifting and roiling like a pot of boiling water. He wondered again if Lucifer were literally two sides of the same coin. And what that could mean. And then he just wished that Castiel was there, so he could hold him and feel a lot better than he did at that moment.


	27. Chapter 27

Eventually they all crossed the California border. Nevada's desert bled into California's desert, both equally dry and desolate, reminding Dean of how empty he felt without Cas around. He would have given just about anything to see that trenchcoat appear beside him.

It didn't appear. Eventually civilization did, strip malls and dusty neighborhoods. Once they were closer to the ocean, things were looking greener and more attractive. Bobby's friends lived on the coast of California, so it perked everyone up just a bit to smell the salty ocean air once they arrived.

They pulled up to a condo structure with an excellent ocean view and knocked on the Kirlu's door. A handsome and well-dressed man opened the door, and grabbed Bobby for a bear hug. Dean glanced at Bobby's worn red flannel shirt and his friend's expensive silk dress shirt, and wondered how these two turned out to be friends.

A pretty face showed up behind the man, and she smiled briefly. Her thick blonde hair fanned around her head, as neatly placed as if she just stepped out of a salon.

Bobby introduced his friends as they invited them all inside. Their names were Rick and Ellen. Once inside, Dean could see Ellen was elegantly dressed as well. Dean looked down at his own clothes and felt as if he showed up to the prom in rags.

In a well decorated living room, filled with warm colors and a magnificent view of the ocean, they all took a seat. Dean felt a small tug of déjà vu as he recalled that Vicewren had also had a lavish, well decorated home. And they were hoping to find details on Lucifer, once more.

Ellen brought out some refreshments. Bobby started explaining things that they'd been through recently, including Castiel's grace coming back and how they thought it had happened. Dean turned red in the face. Ellen noticed, and patted Dean on the shoulder. "We all fall in love," is all she said.

"I believe we have information that could help you," Rick said, and the relieved sighs in unison sounded like a deflating balloon.

"I usually don't tell outsiders this information," Rick said, "As what I am about to tell you has been guarded by my family line for centuries. Each generation made certain to have at least one offspring, so we could pass it on. Ellen and I have a son, Timothy, and a daughter, April. My wife Ellen became privy to the knowledge when I married her, and not until we'd been married for 7 years." He smiled at her. "I had to be certain she was sticking around."

Bobby looked at Ellen. "And you believe him? Or did you think he was a crackpot?"

Ellen nodded. "I knew him well enough to know he wasn't making things up. Plus he had the _Necsiler_.

"Necsiler?" Dean said. "What's that?"

"The _Neciler _is the only book I know of that has written documentation of what we're about to tell you. I keep it in the most expensive type of safety deposit box possible at the bank. It's protected from water or fire damage there, theft, and I used a spell written in the book to protect it from supernatural threats, like demons or spirits."

"Why is this book so important?" Dean asked.

"It's the only written work that describes what happened between Lucifer and God. An ancestor of mine transcribed it after speaking with the angel Metatron, who had secretly taken a vessel."

"You actually _know_ what happened between God and Lucifer?" Dean said. "And why was the information held so secretly?"

"Yes, and because we were instructed to hold the information confidential, until this moment, actually."

"_What_?" Dean said. "How do you know we are the right people?"

"Everything is in the _Neciler_. I had no idea _I_ would be the one to share the sacred knowledge." He was incredibly excited, beaming. "For all I knew, the information would be handed down many more generations to come before it met its destiny."

"And this has been destined for _how_ long?" Dean asked.

"Many millennia," Rick stated. "Eons."

"This is beyond weird," Dean said. "I feel like I'm a puppet again, a pawn."

"I think we all are, but it depends on what perspective you take," Rick said.

"Explain. And I'm curious to know how this Neciler of yours describes us," Dean said. "I mean, are we written up as dashingly handsome, or what?"

Rick laughed. "Yes, the _Neciler _told us to keep our eyes peeled for some dashingly handsome men. I had some trouble ruling people out until you came along," he winked at Dean.

Dean harrumphed. "I'm taken," he said.

Rick laughed harder.

"He's teasing you, Dean! Get off your narcisstic high-horse already and let's hear what the man has to say!" Bobby shouted. "I don't care about whether or not it describes you as handsome, I just wanna know what it says!"

"Bobby, I was just teasing myself, dammit. And I _do_ want to know how it describes us, I mean the idea that someone was writing about all of us eons ago creeps me out a little bit."

Rick cleared his throat. "Shall we begin?" He asked.

They all looked at Rick and nodded vigorously.

"I am about to tell you about a time in which there is no recorded history, other than a hint of it in the _Neciler_. The Bible hints at it as well, in the beginning of Genesis."

"Lucifer was God's top Archangel. His Number one. They were incredibly close. Try to imagine all of the important relationships on Earth rolled up into one, parent-child, brother-sister, friend-friend, even lover-to-lover. They both lived and breathed through their bond. For the longest time, there was just God and the angels. Other angels could only hope they would get as close to God as Lucifer was. There was some jealousy between the angels, jealousy of Lucifer, obviously.

God wanted to include all angels in this bond, and others as well. He created the human race, in the hopes that his affection could be shared equally among many. God was also in the mood for something new.

Now it was Lucifer's turn to become jealous. He wasn't used to sharing God's attention with so many other beings. When it had just been himself and the other angels, Lucifer had no competition. God was closest to Lucifer. Lucifer confronted God, demanding to know why he divided his love so. Did that mean he loved Lucifer less now?"

"You have much to learn, Lucifer, my dear child," God told him. And he explained how God considered the human race as a gift to Lucifer. For he and God together would see over the new creation together.

Lucifer became excited, and felt badly that he had second-guessed God, accusing him of loving him less. Their bond tightened, and Lucifer and God proceeded to look over the human race.

God gave his new children everything they could have hoped for. A beautiful paradise, kindness and love, and everything was perfect. For awhile."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Is this going to be about the Garden of Eden, now?" Dean asked.

"Oh no," Rick said, with some amusement. "This is a time long, long before then. Like I said, a time that has no written records other than the _Neciler_."

"Oh."

"The people started to get bored with paradise. This took some time, several thousand Earth years, actually. It wasn't enough to love God and each other. They wanted more.

The people started to go against the grain of their society. Sins were commited. People were hurt by others. God didn't like to see the suffering, and so attempted to make things right.

Lucifer felt these people were a disgrace. They had a chance to love God and they threw it away to divulge in small pleasures. He saw them as tainted and told God he should do away with them. They were imperfect and flawed.

God felt great love and respect for Lucifer, but he didn't agree on this subject. "No Lucifer, your love is flawed. Can you not see it?"

Lucifer didn't care. He wanted things to go back to the way they were, before the human race took attention away from God. He desired it intensely.

But he loved God so much, and he knew how much these little pets meant to him. So he waited. He didn't participate with God anymore, looking over the people. This caused a divide between Lucifer and God. Other Archangels took advantage of the situation, and tightened their own bonds with God. They all felt Lucifer a fool.

Lucifer, however, could see where the human race was headed. Several thousands of years later, they annihilated themselves. Lucifer had what he wanted, just by being patient. The human race was gone. Only the angels were important to God again.

Well, almost. God was saddened that the humans were gone, but their soul energy lived on, and formed a new archangel. All human souls combined created an angel much more powerful than even Lucifer himself. Lucifer was not happy at all. When they were in human form, at least they were just mere pets to God. In this form, Lucifer could lose his status as God's number one."

"Wait a minute," Dean interrupted. "What do you mean, the human race was annihilated? We're still here!"

"Remember what I said about Genesis? It describes in the beginning how God replenished the Earth. That was the beginning for _us_, not the previous human race. There was an entire civilization before us. And we know almost nothing about them," Rick said sadly.

"Is that were Atlantis existed?" Sam asked.

"No, Atlantis was during our own human race. Like I said, there are no records of this previous race of humans other than the _Neciler_."

"You keep saying that," Dean said. "Why is it so?"

"God wanted a clean slate. He was trying terribly hard to mend things with Lucifer. Seeing their bond dissolving was very hard on God, actually. He noticed that Lucifer was happy about the human race being gone, but truly, something created by God cannot be destroyed, ever. Lucifer was very unhappy about the new archangel created by the human souls.

God started again with another race of humans, and the new Archangel was divided once more. Not only that, the human souls could now earn a place in heaven after death, individually. God hoped Lucifer would see he was still his number one. And God made plans for this new human race. He didn't want to see them annihilate themselves again.

Lucifer argued with God fiercely once he realized what God was up to. He couldn't believe he'd have to wait out several millennia for these pathetic beings to kill themselves off again. He wanted God to destroy them immediately, before God could become heartbroken over them all over again.

God refused. His love for the humans were true, and he felt Lucifer had a lot to learn. He explained it wasn't possible to destroy these souls. Once created, they were eternal. This angered Lucifer, and he stated that God's universe then was flawed. The humans would continue to corrupt it. God was wasting a lot of energy and time on beings that had no care for God.

God commanded Lucifer and the other archangels bow before his new human race. They had little respect for the humans, and he felt things needed to change. Many of the newer angels couldn't even remember the previous human race, and bowed in eagerness to please God.

God asked Lucifer if he should throw the people away then. Lucifer showed happiness, and hoped God was finally seeing the light. Instead, God said, "Lucifer, than I shall throw you down into Perdition. If you believe even just one of my human souls deserves such a fate, I will let you create a space where souls could finally be destroyed. This is the only way. I will look forward to communing with you once again."

And God threw Lucifer into a black and heartless void. Parts of God shattered off of him, he was so heartbroken. These new energies became some of Luficer's first demons in hell.

Lucifer himself could not comprehend being separated from God. The anger he had felt at the humans fueled his pain and he blamed them for what had happened. He was angry at them and at God. Especially at God, he had been betrayed by the one he loved most.

By the only one he truly loved.

--

Note: obviously this is all made up and doesn't go along with Supernatural's season 5. The only part in here that's true is that it does say replenish in Genesis.


	28. Chapter 28

God began to wonder if his universe was flawed. He had thrown his closest Archangel into oblivion. His heart tore some more, and more demons were created.

"Wait," Dean interrupted. "God's not even sure if his universe is flawed or not? What kind of a God is he?"

"God…sounds…human," Sam said.

"The Bible does say we were made in his image," Rick said.

"Our God is a doubting God?" Bobby said. "And what exactly does all this mean for Lucifer breaking out and going into a battle with Dean?"

"Breadcrumbs," Rick said, looking at the ceiling.

"Breadcrumbs?" Dean, Bobby and Sam said in unison.

"This is really starting to scare me," Dean said. "What if God doesn't want Lucifer destroyed? What if God just wants a happy reunion with Lucifer, and even if that means the human race will have to be destroyed?"

"What were you talking about with the breadcrumbs?" Bobby asked.

"A path has been laid out to lead Lucifer away from Hell. It included whatever events that lead up to his release from hell. All I can think of is God's laying a trail of breadcrumbs for Lucifer to follow out of hell. Dean and Sam were both breadcrumbs, huge ones. No offense, guys."

Dean stood up, angry. "So, what are we, just little pawns in a game? Well, I've had it. God and Lucifer can have their love spat without me and Sam."

Sam grabbed Dean. "Lucifer wants to destroy the human race. I think we're important in stopping that."

"Isn't God more powerful than Lucifer? What is all this nonsense anyway? Why did God suddenly want Lucifer free?"

"We might not know the answer to that," Bobby said, "But we know now what Lucifer's motivation is. He blames humans for his separation from God."

"Yeah, but how do we use that to stop him?" Dean asked. No one had an answer.

--

Dean drove towards Washington state wondering if humans were nothing more than playthings. It disturbed him to the core. He felt like more than a plaything. Sam, Bobby, and Castiel felt like more than a plaything. If God truly wanted to protect us from Lucifer, Dean wondered, why would he lead him out now? He wasn't sure he bought the breadcrumb idea. Nothing made sense anymore. All Dean was caring about was getting to Castiel. He hoped with all his heart that he'd hidden out at the Abbey, where he was supposedly safe. Dean couldn't even think ahead to what he'd be doing if Castiel _wasn't_ there.

"What do you guys think of us all being pieces of some archangel?" Bobby asked.

"It made no sense to me," Dean said. "I thought people went to heaven when they died, not became an archangel."

"Well, remember Rick said that it was the first time around it happened. And how God made it so people could earn a place in heaven the second time around."

"Maybe. I don't like the idea that I used to be a pimple or something on an archangel. It's weird."

"Dean, archangel's don't get pimples." Sam said.

"How do you know?" Dean snarled. "Have a sense of humor for once, Sam."

Sam ignored Dean's nastiness, knowing it stemmed from Dean's pain.

"What about how demons were pieces of God originally? I thought that was interesting. Not to mention impossible," Sam said. "God's divine, demons aren't even close."

"Yeah, but Lucifer was once a divine archangel, and look at him now," Bobby said. "Who knows what happens when divinity gets unhappy?"

--

At a gas station, Sam bought a newspaper to see if anything apocalyptic was happening. At first he thought there was nothing newsworthy, until he took a second look at a tiny article on page 3.

"This is interesting, you guys," Sam said. "Two people were murdered at the exact same time at opposite sides of the globe. The only reason the journalist heard about it was he ran across the coincidence on Twitter. What was unusual about it was loved ones were twittering the birthdays of the people that were murdered. The guy who wrote the article dug deeper and discovered not only had they been born on the same day, they'd been born the exact same minute. Different time zones by far, but in real time it was the exact same minute. Born the same minute, and killed the same minute."

"Their lives were exactly the same length," Dean said. "That's gotta be rare!"

"Not only the exact same length, but lived their lives at the same time? Wow," Bobby said. "I don't think this is a coincidence. This smells like a ritual to me."

"What could this mean?" Dean asked.

"I have no idea."

--

Pulling into the Abbey a few days later, Dean braced himself for disappointment. This was it. Either Castiel was here and he could let out a huge sigh of relief, and actually feel happy again, or he wasn't, and Dean could face days of worry and depression. Not just days. Weeks. Years. Dean had no idea of knowing he'd ever lay eyes on Castiel again.

One of the nuns greeted them, and Dean was asking about Castiel before she could even finish saying hello.

"Yes, he was here, but left a day or so ago," she told him."

"He was?" Dean was already sighing with relief, even though he felt sharp disappointment he wouldn't see Castiel immediately. "Did he say why he left? What was he doing here?"

The nun seemed a little puzzled that they didn't know. "He was here to learn to meditate. He was making great progress, and then said he needed to leave. We did think it was odd he showed up without a car. Do you all live near here?"

"Not even close," Dean said. "Did he leave me a message?" he asked hopefully.

"No, he was rather quiet. Said he needed to learn to meditate, and then left. We don't ask questions, really."

Dean wanted to strangle him for not leaving him a message, but not as much as he wanted to hold him and kiss him and speak to him. He got a grip on himself. Cas must be acting discreet for a reason. He was going to have to be patient.

--

"Well, at least we know he's alive, or has been recently," Bobby said as they were unpacking in one of the cabins. They had asked if they could spend a couple nights here, in case Castiel returned.

"Would you leave out the 'has been recently'?" Dean asked. "He's _alive_. I can't let myself believe otherwise."

Bobby and Sam just nodded, understanding. They too wanted Castiel to be alive.

--

Sam spent some time searching the internet for any other unusual news. It didn't take him long to discover there had been more murders in kind with what he'd found in that article.

A couple of teenagers in Ohio had been killed in the same way, their throats slashed at the exact same time. Despite the fact that they were 300 miles apart that night, their time of death by the coroner was identical. Not only that, they had been born in the same hospital, at the same time, and were called the 'hospital twins' by the community because of it. They grew up together being best friends.

"Wow, something really is going on here," Bobby said. "Do you know how rare it has to be for people born at the exact same time to die at the exact same time? It just doesn't happen. At least not to my knowledge."

Sam found a few more cases of the same thing with more digging. "Write down everywhere that these people are being killed, and their birth times and death times. It could be important," Bobby said.

Bobby did a little digging around of his own, first to ask the nuns if Castiel had specified what kind of meditation and/or why he needed to learn. He hadn't. Bobby did learn the type of meditation though, that the nuns taught him. It was a distinct breathing exercise designed to help people connect with their true selves, and involved imagining a tether that tied them to that true self.

"You taught him that specific visualization even though he didn't request anything in particular?" Bobby asked with eyebrows raised. They confirmed it. Bobby told Dean and Sam, and they all concluded that Castiel must be trying to reach his angelhood again. Dean was grateful to at least know something about what was going on with Cas, and then shoved his feelings about what that could ultimately mean for their relationship later into a space inside him. He didn't plan on looking at for awhile.

Bobby also poured through his books to see if they listed any rituals that involved lives that lived identical times.

A couple days went by and Castiel hadn't shown up. Dean was getting ansty and bored with sitting around. Plus he had this feeling Castiel wasn't showing up there anytime soon. Dean was disappointed. Here he was, sitting in this safe place and at least Cas could show some courtesy and pop in for a minute. Then Dean tossed the thought out, realizing that Castiel could very well be in trouble.

Everyone agreed to drive to Ohio and look into the deaths there, since the double murder was the only one so far that had both of the murders happening in the same state. Each day Sam found news about another similar double murder, but it was getting to be rare if the people were in even the same country. Sam diligently logged each one he could find on a spreadsheet.

Something that stood out too was that each time a murder happened, their throats were cut. And then Sam found some forensic notes that had bled into general cyberspace.

"Wow," Sam told everyone. "Not only did they live the exact same length of time, and have their throats cut, - well first I should say another case happened in the US. Down in Florida. The coroner was saying that they both lost the exact amount of blood from the cut, which isn't too unusual, I guess, but the fact that the blood they lost was missing from the crime scenes – someone took it."

"Now this really smells like a ritual," Bobby said. "I wonder if that happened for each case, and if this is just the first time we saw it documented?"

"I bet it is," Sam said.

Bobby continued to pour through his books when it wasn't his turn to drive.

--

Dean lay flat on the motel bed in Wisconsin, staring at the dark ceiling. They'd taken so many turns driving that they hadn't stopped for a motel until now. It was nice to be on a bed again, but he was painfully aware that he wasn't curled up next to Castiel. He lay awake and found that secret compartment inside him opening up and filling him with questions.

Was Castiel becoming an angel again? He wondered. If he was, Dean couldn't decide if that was good or bad. Part of his heart felt it was bad, because Dean might never be close to him again if Castiel wasn't human. Part of his heart wanted to be happy for Cas, because he could be getting back what was wrongfully taken from him, his angelhood. Dean felt so confused but knew this was all speculation. His stirring mind finally decided the only thing that was a fact was that Dean missed him terribly, right before he fell into a strained sleep.


	29. Chapter 29

**Finally, another chapter of Stormclouds! Wow, I can't believe it's been since February since I updated! Well, if anyone is still reading….here you go!**

The motel room was too quiet. Even the heater was no longer creaking. Dean realized he was holding his breath, and exhaled, listening for the hushed sound, to confirm that he wasn't deaf. He lay there, staring into the darkness, thinking about what he'd learned about Lucifer.

Nothing was making any sense to Dean anymore. If what the Kirlu's had told him was true, then God loved Lucifer and wouldn't want to destroy him. So why did God want Lucifer dead? And what was Lucifer talking about, saying he wanted to make the world a better place? Lucifer didn't want humans in the picture at all, according to the _Neciler._ Is that what he meant? A better world meant no humans? And why would he tell Dean he was trying to make the world more balanced? If he wanted to just annihilate humans, why even tell Dean about it? _Probably because he's a bully_. _He's getting a rise out of stepping on us like little ants._

And he thought about Castiel. Did Cas know about the _Neciler_ already? He wished Castiel had been there at the Kirlu's, so he could ask him about it. Dean had the suspicious feeling that maybe Cas had already known, just like he'd known all that time Bobby was up in Washington with the nuns….

But Dean couldn't stay mad at Castiel. He missed him too much, and didn't want to jump to conclusions on him again like he had earlier under that spell.

So he reminisced a little on the times they'd had together, until he realized how hollow the memories felt.

Now that Castiel had been gone for more than a week, everything that had happened between them felt like a dream. Because just like a dream, Castiel was only a memory now. At least at the moment. He remembered how Bobby was gone for weeks but turned out okay, and held on to the hope Castiel's absence would have the same happy ending.

If it was possible to have a happy ending in the apocalypse.

The heater in the room started banging again and Dean closed his eyes, intending to fall asleep, when he heard the familiar whoosh that he hadn't heard in a long time.

Dean bolted upward and peered into the darkness. "Cas?" He practically jumped out of bed so he could reach him quicker.

"Actually, I was hoping you could tell me where he is," a voice said from a dark corner of the room.

Dean groaned inwardly. More like _screamed_ inwardly. He decided he was still going to jump out of bed, to strangle Zachariah. Well, he wanted to, but he was intrigued that Zachariah didn't know where Castiel was either. Lucifer had said that in the restroom, but Dean wasn't about to take Lucifer's word on the matter.

"Zachariah," Dean said between clenched teeth.

Zachariah stepped closer, and Dean could see his silhouette. "I'm just as enthusiastic to see you, Dean," he said. "I'm actually getting pretty tired of people jumping ship. You jumped ship, Castiel jumped ship, and now Castiel is gone. Tell me where he is, Dean."

Dean laughed dryly and then looked around. Well, listened around mostly. Neither Sam or Bobby were bolting up to see what the commotion was. Dean started wondering if he could be dreaming.

"They aren't going to wake up," Zachariah said. "This is just between you and me."

"You think I know where Castiel is?" Dean said.

"I did," Zachariah said, and paused. "But you seemed anxious when I popped into the room, as if you thought it might be him, and you hadn't seen him in awhile."

"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock," Dean said. "So why don't you get out of here. First tell me though, if you're the one that stole Castiel in the first place."

"Stole? You're forgetting, Dean, that Castiel belongs to Heaven. I cannot steal him."

"He's no longer an angel. You ripped that out of him," Dean growled. "How does he belong to Heaven when you threw him away?"

Zachariah stepped closer and knelt down to Dean's level. Dean could see his face now in the faint light that came from the streetlamps.

"That's not any of your concern, Dean. I want to know where Castiel hides. I know you know of a place. Tell me."

"Get bent." Dean looked around. He was speaking loudly now, and still Sam and Bobby didn't wake up.

Zachariah was close enough now for Dean to feel his hot breath. Or the vessel's hot breath. It needed mouthwash. Dean wanted to lecture Zachariah on the importance of hygiene but didn't get the chance.

"Do you realize, Dean, that we could have killed Castiel for his transgressions?" Zachariah asked. "Yet we chose to keep him alive. Cooperate with me, and when I'm through with him, I'll make sure he lives. However, if you fail to cooperate with me, I'll make sure we dispose of him when he outlives his usefulness. That's not a threat, Dean. It's a promise."

Dean wondered why Zachariah would need Castiel temporarily, and then not ever need him again. It sounded strange.

"Why do you need him so badly? What's the big deal? Like I said, I thought he was useless to you."

"His location, Dean, NOW!" Zachariah shouted.

"I told you, I DON'T KNOW!" Dean shouted back.

"Dean, do you know why we turned Castiel human?" Zachariah asked.

"Because you didn't like it that he was giving a rat's ass for humanity?"

"No, because he was suddenly playing for the wrong team," Zachariah said. "And now that we know you know about the _Neciler_, and he's trying to reignite his flame, it changes things."

"You knew about the _Neciler_?" Dean said. "Wait. Tell me how all that stuff in that book ties in with the apocalypse."

Zachariah shook his head and waved his finger. "Uh uh uh, Dean. You want me to tell you anything, give me Castiel's secret hiding place. I know you know where it is."

"What makes you think I would ever tell you, Zach? Why the _hell _would I do that?"

Sam and Bobby still weren't awake. Dean realized something felt very off. As if he and Zachariah were the only two people in the entire world…

Dean woke up. He was lying in the exact position he'd been lying when he'd thought he was trying to fall asleep and all was quiet. On his left side, facing the dark room. Dean looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. It showed he'd been asleep for a couple hours. Which made no sense, because it seemed like only 10 minutes had gone by.

He jumped out of bed and shook Sam in the next bed over. Sam moved his head around with his eyes closed, living one last moment of a dream, probably, before they cracked open.

"What's going on?" Sam slurred.

"I just want to make sure this is you," Dean said. "And that I'm not still dreaming."

Bobby woke up too from the noise. Dean hadn't bothered with whispering. Bobby snapped on a lamp so everyone could see each other.

"Do you think it was just a dream?" Sam asked after Dean explained it.

"No, I don't," Dean said. "I think Zachariah is really looking for Castiel. And it's really starting to get to me that I don't know where he is."

"Why wouldn't Zachariah just show up rather than make it a dream, though?" Sam thought out loud.

"I don't know, Sam, but we need to find Cas. And I'm really starting to wonder on some things."

In Harken, Ohio the sheriff looked physically & emotionally beat from the recent two murders. You and me both, Dean thought, gazing into his lost looking blue eyes. Yet he was very willing to discuss the facts. He was very intrigued that there were similar murders around the world.

"I wonder if it's some kind of satanic cult," Sheriff Brisker said.

"Could be," Sam said.

Sam asked Sheriff Brisker several questions, trying to get an idea of what kind of clues and details were left at the scene. Both crime scenes were too neat for any crime lab technician's tastes. No odd fibers left on the scene. No mud tracks showing shoe size. Nothing out of place other than the dead bodies.

"If this was a satanic ritual, wouldn't there be things drawn on the wall with blood, other kinds of ritualistic items?" The sheriff asked.

Dean, Sam, and Bobby were pretending to be FBI agents that were also experts on ritualistic murders. The deception was a piece of cake for them.

"Usually, yes," Sam said. "However, this string of murders seems much more sophisticated. It really has us concerned. Could you tell us where they are buried? It could give us clues."

The "hospital twins" were buried in Belasides Cemetery at the edge of town, and were both buried in the evening, at 8pm, side by side.

"Wait a minute – they were buried at night?" Sam said. "It's winter, so that's well after dark."

"Yeah, I thought that was weird too. But I guess both of the mothers wanted it, so that's how it was."

"What time was it, that these victims were born?"

"8:00am, on the nose," Sherriff Brisker said.

"And then they were buried 12 hours from their birth time, interesting," Sam said. They all knew that the time of death was approximately 2:00pm, from the coroner's report.

"Um, wow!" Sam said. "They were born at 8:00am on the dot, buried at 8:00pm on the dot, and then were killed in the time right between those two times, at 2:00pm. That can't be a coincidence!"

"But how could the killer know the mothers were going to bury their children right at 8:00pm?" Sheriff Brisker said. "I'm not liking the sound of this…"

"The mothers probably aren't involved in the murders themselves, but we really should talk to them to see if anyone influenced them to bury them at such an unusual time. That could be really important."

They took down the mother's names and contact info, and thanked the sheriff for his time. "Now I really need to look deeper and see if other murder victims were born at the top of the hour like these too," Sam said quietly as they were going out the door of the Harken County Sheriff Department. "And exactly when they were killed, and when buried."

Dean was glad Sam was sharp and on task, because he felt like he was in some kind of daze. He looked out at the scene before him, a street with angle parking on both sides, and an old courthouse building across the street, and the sky looking like it had been holding onto rain for hours but wasn't ready to let go yet – and he was painfully aware that something was wrong with Castiel. Or at least, that Dean's whole world was wrong because he couldn't get a hold of him.

Dean was about to get into his car when his cell rang. Seeing the name on the caller ID, he nearly leapt with hopeful joy – it was the Abbey in Washington State. He had given the nuns his phone number and asked them to call if Castiel showed up again.

"Hi?" Dean said, answering it immediately. His very breath to say the word was a prayer that he'd be hearing something about Castiel for once.

"Dean? This is Venerable Jeshe. I'm calling because…"

"Is Castiel there?" Dean interrupted eagerly. He couldn't help himself.

"No, we haven't seen him," she said, and Dean's heart fell like a lead weight. He literally felt like he was going to have to pick it back up off the pavement. "But I'm calling because something really odd is going on here," Venerable Jeshe continued.

Dean's eyebrows rose. The nuns lived in their own little peaceful world, so the fact that something odd was going on for them was significant.

"Tell me all about it," Dean said.


	30. Chapter 30

"We contacted one of our teachers in Asia, and he told us to tell you what was going on," Jeshe explained.

"He did?" Dean said, surprised. "Okay, what's up?"

"We have some houseplants around the Abbey. One of them, we need to prune dead leaves off it daily. It's just ordinary for this sort of plant. But now, for about a week, we haven't needed to prune a single dead leaf. It's stayed in the same form all week."

"Maybe the plant's just…healthier?" Dean suggested. "Did you give it some Miracle Gro?"

"No," Jeshe said patiently. "One thing we believe in solidly is the impermanence of all things. By default in nature, nothing can stay static – that is go on forever. Everything constantly changes. This plant was the perfect example. We took turns pruning it, using it for our practice to remind us of the impermanence in life."

The thought that nothing can go on forever reminded Dean painfully that his relationship with Castiel might already be over, either through Castiel's death or return to angelhood.

"Well, that is kind of weird, then," Dean stammered out. "What do you make of it?"

"Our ancient writings tell us that this is a sign that the end of the world might be coming," Jeshe said gravely.

"The end of the world," Dean said slowly.

"I know it sounds crazy, but our teacher said you would understand," Jeshe said hopefully.

"Actually, I do understand," Dean said. "That is just really weird that your teacher would know that I would understand it. In fact, does this guy have any advice on how to stop the end of the world?"

"All we know is that a selfless man and a deva together can do actions to stop it," Jeshe said.

Dean wondered immediately if he could be considered selfless. He was having some trouble with that picture. _And a diva?_ "A diva?" he asked. "Like Aretha Franklin?" _How on Earth was he going to get a hold of a diva?_

"No, no, sorry, I'm forgetting you don't know many of our words. Its deva spelled d-e-v-a. It's a being similar to an angel."

Dean's heart leapt at the word angel. "An angel? Really? That's great!" Dean said enthusiastically. "So, what are these actions that need to be done?" Dean was hoping his Buddhist friends had instructions laid out for him like a grocery list.

"Well, I'm afraid I do not know much – the man and his angel will need to follow their hearts, yet make difficult decisions as well. It is a long path having to do with balance, and strength, and kindness. I'm sorry to be so vague. I wish I could tell you more."

"No, you've been a great help. Thanks for calling. Please call again – either if you see or hear from Castiel, or your teacher has new advice. And did you say a man and _his _angel?"

"Yes, sorry, that's one other thing I do know about. The man and the angel have a profound bond. Do you know someone like that?' She asked.

"Yeah, I do," Dean said. "Let me know what is going on with your plant, will you? It sounds like it's an apocalypse thermometer." They said their goodbyes and hung up.

"Wow," Sam said, having overheard the conversation. "It sounds like Castiel has to be okay. Doesn't it?"

"I really hope so. They didn't say that it was written in stone, their ancient writings, that is, but it is giving me some hope that things could be right, I mean, if Buddhists were writing about Cas and I during ancient times? Wow. Just wow."

Dean was back to being shell-shocked at how important he and his decisions were to the entire world. It was too much. "Let's get something to eat," Dean said. "I want to drown my worries in a piece of pie."

They went to a diner nearby that had the clichéd red and white checkered tablecloths. Their food was above average, though, and Dean not only bought himself a piece of blueberry pie, he bought an entire pie for the two mothers they were going to see next.

"If I'm going to have to be selfless, I guess I better start now," Dean joked. "Besides, I think they might be more willing to talk if we come bearing gifts."

The women lived in the same neighborhood, but several blocks away from each other. They went to see Helene Markham first. When she opened the door, Dean, Sam, and Bobby could tell that grief had taken a toll on her. Her face looked eternally tired, and she wasn't able to muster up a smile in return for Dean, Sam, and Bobby's smile.

They gave her their condolences, and asked if they could speak with her about the burial. Dean also offered her the pie, which brought out a small tinge of smile from Mrs. Markham. She invited them in, and looked curious as to why three men would be so interested in her daughter's burial.

"We heard that your daughter and her friend were buried at night," Sam said, sensing her curiosity. "Plus, we're sort of working on the case, trying to find some clues as to what happened to them. Could you tell us if there was anyone who tried to influence you, or the other girl's mother, to bury them at night?"

Mrs. Markham insisted they all have some tea and a slice of the pie before she got started. Dean wondered if she were eager to serve someone – by looking at the family photos on the fireplace mantel, there was only one child, in different stages of life. He felt bad for her all over again.

Pie and tea in hand later, on very fancy china in Dean's opinion, she was willing to talk.

"Yes, there was someone who influenced me. And Margaret. That's the mother of Emily, my daughter Heather's best friend. Margaret and I had been talking about burying the girls together anyway." She choked through sobs on the next sentence. "They were born together, they died together – well sort of, at the same time, anyway, and we thought it was only appropriate that they be buried together."

They patiently waited for Mrs. Markham to compose herself, and Sam even patted her hand with sympathy.

"Anyway, we were at the funeral home, discussing all our options, for caskets, flowers, all the arrangements, including the day and time of burial, and this man came in. Dusty's boy – the funeral director's son – he was asking him how could he help him, and to our surprise, he wanted to see us.

"He offered to pay for our favorite set of caskets, if we agreed to bury the girls at the same time at 8pm. We were flabbergasted, but decided it wouldn't hurt to bury them at 8pm. The man covered the funeral director's after-hours fee as well."

"Did he give you any reason as to why he wanted it done at 8pm? Did you call the police? It's rather odd that a stranger suddenly has interest in a couple of stranger's burial. He could be the killer," Sam said.

"As for the 8pm part, he said something about full-circle, I can't remember it all, but it had to do with their birth time, and how it would be ceremonial to bury them at the opposite time of their birth. We thought it was just his odd way of paying his respects. Dusty told us later that he knew the man was a rich recluse, and so we assumed he was harmless. Do you think he could really be the one who – who…"

"We think he might have something to do with it. Not necessarily be the murderer, but be in league with the murder. We have to look into every possibility if we're going to help the police find and stop who did this to your daughter," Sam said.

Dean wrote down the man's name and made a mental note to ask Dusty if he knew where the guy lived. "Did he stipulate anything else?" Dean asked. "About the funeral. Besides the odd time? Any other details?"

"Well, he did give this to us…hold on a minute." Mrs. Markham got up and went to her purse, and pulled out a piece of paper with scalloped edges.

"He didn't say we had to use it or anything, he just offered it to us for the service, if we wanted it." She handed the paper to Dean.

_A child's love shines like no other. Multi-faceted and etched into every corner of our hearts, its brilliance can know no death, no darkness befall it. Where can an eternal love hide, when its very existence eliminates all shadows?_

_If a child's love is obscured from view, it peeks out from the edges of shadows like the silver lining of a cloud. Look to that light, and once again, the child's love covers ever corner of this world with its gleaming._

Dean made sure Sam and Bobby could see it. "Oh man, this looks really familiar," he said.

"Oh. My. God," Sam said. The three men looked at each other.

"What is it?" Mrs. Markham asked.

"We've seen another version of this before, is all," Dean said. "We think it might mean something. Can I copy down this version to keep? And did you actually use it at the service?"

"We did, we thought it was quite comforting. And let me get you a pen and paper."

Dean copied it down, and took down the woman's phone number as well, telling her he'd be in touch if they discovered anything interesting. They also advised her to give the same information to the police.

Back in the car, Dean said, "What's his name's poem. Father O'Brien. Except it was slightly different. It was about Cas. Not children."

"Damn, this is just getting weirder and weirder," Bobby said. "There's no way this is a coincidence."

"Yeah, we've got to call O'Brien later and ask him about it," Sam said.

"You know what's been eating at me all afternoon?" Dean said. "I'm wondering if the nun's place in Washington is no longer a safe spot. I mean, now that the nuns see that there can be an end of the world. According to Cas, before, they were in their own peaceful little bubble. Now it's like they've become players in the whole apocalypse scene too. It worries me."

"Yeah, me too," Sam said. "I really wish Cas were here to tell us."

"Tell me about it," Dean said softly. Then louder, "Okay, next order of business?"

They went to see Margaret Shadle, the other mother. She gained a pie, but they didn't gain any extra details on the mysterious recluse. It was a much quicker visit – five minutes on her front porch and it was over. They decided to scope out Mr. Mysterious's house since they had the address.

Dean was expecting some gnarly old mansion up on a hill a la Edward Scissorhands, and he wasn't too far off. Except it was not so secluded and was not ugly. It was a beautiful, large brick house, with a gate and an intercom. Dean pressed the button, but no one answered. Not even a butler. Dean thought that was odd. Surely he keeps hired help around all day, if he has this kind of money to blow?

Dean tried a few more times but got the same results. Dean headed back to their motel, and Sam called Father O'Brien on the way there.

"Voicemail," Sam said, and left a brief message.

After pizza and beer, and a few discussions about the day's events, Dean was ready to hit the pillow early. Bobby and Sam didn't mind crashing early either. The lights went out and Dean eased into a comfortable sleep. He was still faintly aware of Castiel's absence as he usually was – his arm would reach out and find air, and then the blanket. Yet he never failed to reach out as if he were actually there and could be pulled into his arms.

Dean woke up somewhat in the middle of the night, and reflexively reached out to hold Cas as he usually did, when he realized something warm was pressing up against the full length of his body. His arm didn't land on the blanket, it landed on something warm and breathing. "Cas?" Dean said groggily. "Cas, is that you? Oh god, let that be you!" he said in a whisper. He realized if it was Castiel, he didn't want to wake Bobby and Sam – well not right away.

"Hello Dean. I've missed you."

**A/N: ACK! I know, I know bad place to stop, I thought I was going to write more, but it's almost midnight, I really need to get to bed, I wanted to be able to leave the readers something today though. Hope you enjoyed it, and yeah I stole that "profound bond" line, I couldn't resist! Haha!**

**And please remember a lot of what I write about the Buddhists is going to be imaginary for the story – they do think about impermanence though, and I got the part about the deva from Wikipedia – so thanks to Wikipedia for the info!**


End file.
